Today is Anzac Day in New Zealand – when we remember those who fought in wars.
Melissa had a pet python. It was huge. Of course, she was unmarried. The snake kept all men at a distance.
At night Melissa would snuggle up in bed with the pet python wrapped around her. On a warm night the snake would sleep on the floor.
“It curls around me for warmth,” said Melissa. “It’s not going to swallow me!”
Melissa pooh-poohed the idea that it could devour her. “Pooh-pooh,” said Melissa.
“It will kill you one day,” warned Melissa’s mother.
“Pooh-pooh,” said Melissa.
One night Melissa got up in the dark to go the bathroom. She tripped on the python curled up asleep in the corridor. She broke her neck. In the morning there wasn’t much to clean up. Just a pair of slippers.
The Queen of the country made an important announcement: next Thursday she would turn up with her entourage at any house in the kingdom – chosen at random – and have dinner.
Goodness me! Did the country go into a flap? Every household prepared a sumptuous dinner. Windows were cleaned, toilet bowls were brushed, everything was spick and span. What if the Queen came to our little house?
All were ready except apparently for Tommy Ursendoff in his little house in the country. “If she comes here she can sod off,” said Tommy Ursendoff. “I’ll give her a raw carrot and tell her to shove it. I’m not bowing and scraping to some pretentious old git. If she was going to pay, that would be another story altogether.”
You already know, gentle reader, that the inevitable will happen. Out of the millions of houses in the Kingdom, whose house should be chosen at random? Why of course! Lady Brackenbury-ffodalia-Battenberg-Courtney-Weasal was chosen. She was a personal friend of the monarch. Her husband was an Earl. The Queen had a wonderful time devouring fresh strawberries floating in a vanilla sauce.
In the meantime, Tommy Ursendoff had much to say: “She did not come here because she doesn’t like to piss into yesterday’s toilet bowl. She’s a snob of the highest order.”
Nora and Gus always knew what their oldest son, Gadsby, would give them for Christmas. It had been the same for the last five years, and what a saving it was! He always gave half a cow’s carcass for the freezer, nicely chopped up and packaged. It would last the two of them the year. Of course, they had other meat in between, like chicken and pork, but beef was their main meat.
Nora and Gus inevitably marvelled at Gadsby’s luck. He was presented at work with a cattle beast carcass just before Christmas. He worked at the abattoir. “Half a cow is enough for my freezer,” he told his parents, when they visited him.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, these days Gadsby has still got a couple of years left before they let him out.
Truly wonderful things happen to some people occasionally. Reading the stories on this blog one could get the impression that wonderful things happen all the time, but that is simply not the case. Today, however, something wonderful happens in the story. Perhaps it’s even true.
Sigrid and Ferdinand had been married for five years. They desperately wanted a baby (or two) but it was not something they could afford on their meagre wages. They skimped and saved; they did without. How wonderful it would be down the track if they had some children and owned their own home! They rented an old house. Both were keen gardeners, but there was very little space for a garden.
Every week, on a Friday night, they did the grocery shopping together. They would make a list and spend the entire shopping time discussing (at times even arguing) as to the cheapest and most penny-saving brands.
They were in the vegetable section of the store when they were approached by an elderly lady. She was bright-eyed and alert.
“I couldn’t help but over hear your penny-pinching discussion,” she said. “I have a proposition to make. I’ve always been a keen gardener, and my house is on a large property with an orchard and swimming pool. Sadly, the time has come for me to give it up and go into a retirement home. I have no relatives. No one in the world! I would like to give you my house and land, and even the furniture if you wanted it. I have no need for it, and you could sell it if you wished. If you want it, it’s all yours!”
Sigrid and Ferdinand couldn’t believe it. The elderly lady had already moved out. They could move in when they wanted. And indeed they did! They photographed most of the furniture (some they kept for themselves) and placed advertisements for it on an online trading post.
“We should really get some sparkling wine to celebrate,” said Ferdinand. So off they went to the store.
As they passed through the vegetable section they saw their elderly friend. She had cornered a young couple and was saying, “I couldn’t help but over hear your penny-pinching discussion. I have a proposition to make. I’ve always been a keen gardener…”