When Trixie Caldhurst was offered “half a pig for the freezer” from a neighbouring farmer she was delighted. Half a pig was more than enough to keep her going in pork for a long, long time. It was going to be such a saving. What a kind and thoughtful neighbour! Trixie wouldn’t be able to thank them enough. She bought a bottle of wine and a thankyou card to express her thanks when the meat arrived.
Arrive it did! Trixie was most grateful. Except… it wasn’t chopped up. Half a pig was half a pig.
Trixie phoned her friend, Monica. They were both nearing their mid-seventies. Together they could hardly lift the half pig. Trixie looked up on the internet as to how to chop up a pig. The first thing was to split it in half. That was already done. As for the rest, the problem was even if they had the right tools they were in no position to weld them efficiently.
Monica went home and came back with a tomahawk and a hacksaw. Over the course of the next five hours they had the time of their lives. And a few wines. Monica was able to take home a good half of the half pig for herself.
“Necess… neceess.. nesissity is the muvva of invenshin,” declared Trixie at the end of the day. The pork chops were nothing like one would buy in the shop. But, my word, said Trixie pouring a celebration wine, there’s nothing more delightful than a home-chopped chalk pop!
Weave a Web 
A good wine will help you through those difficult tasks, it seems.
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I find the wine is even better if there’s no difficult task,,,
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That is a murderous gift. Always chop your half-pig before rushing out with the present.
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When I wrote this (only about 2 weeks ago) I had just been given the carcass of an entire sheep by my neighbour. It did take about three hours to chop it up for the freezer (but without the wine!) I was a bit rusty since I hadn’t cut up a sheep since 1967, and only had tools from the kitchen!
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There is a distressing autobiographical element in the story in which case.
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Non meat-eaters sometimes don’t seem to realize that meat gets chopped up… When I was a teenager milking cows, visiting youths from “town” were horrified that milk didn’t come out of bottles.
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Oh, gosh. When I was a child, there was something called “the locker” where people kept their half cows and venison and various meaty things. There was a butcher affiliated with it, so you could take your animal there and have it made into chops, steaks, roasts and then stored for you. Obviously, there isn’t one near you…
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Yes – but it costs!
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I do hope Trixie and Monica don’t have husbands, because in a Bruce Goodman story they’ve developed some quite dangerous skills….
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When it comes to butchery, they’re hacks.
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