1991. Alien Class

Okay Class, now settle down. Good morning.

This is the third introductory class to life on Planet Earth. To think that it’s only five months before you begin your “visitation” to Earth, so we have lots and lots of work to do.

Today’s topic could be construed as being a little sensitive; at least the humans on Earth might regard it as being sensitive. It’s about a function they have or do that we simply don’t have. Nature has evolved us in a complexly different direction. We expel waste in a hygienic, constant, and unnoticeable way through what the Earthings would call our “skin”. The Earthlings however expel waste through a completely different process called…

Excuse me, Hottopius. Just settle down. I’m not telling you this for your entertainment…

Yes, Gloteressa? You have a question? You have been reading about it? You know all about it already? What is it you’ve read about?…

No! No! Gloteressa! That’s not how it happens; not how it happens at all! Goodness knows where you dug that up from. That’s not how they expel waste on Earth. Not in the slightest. The person who wrote that is living in La-la land.

Usually humans will leave, and sometimes rush from, the room away from others and go into a little cubicle reserved specifically for this function. It’s extremely private, which is why we know so little about it. Constipolorus, our great scientist, hid a camera in a cubicle and recorded what exactly went on. So we now know a thing or two. The video of activity I’m afraid I can’t show you because it is classified material, but I can perhaps describe it for you in detail…

Yes, Buckanorsis? You what? You’ve seen the videos? You saw the videos on Disgracebook? What did you think?…

Disgusting? You thought it disgusting? Well I’m not surprised. And if in five months you are to make a “visitation” to Planet Earth then you had better get used to what humans do in that little cubicle. Everyone there does it. It’s part of what happens on their planet.

You have a question, Blubberteria? Yes! Yes! You’re right. I was about to say by what names the expulsion of waste materials by humans goes under. They have many different words for it – such is the sacredness (or should I perhaps say secretness?) of the process. The most common expression I believe is “heave your guts out”. Some books refer to it as “psychedelic chunder”. Others simply say “throw up”.

Here’s what I want you to do before next class: take your Roget’s and dictionaries and make a list of all the words and phrases that Earthlings use to describe this fascinating private cubicle activity.

Class dismissed.

13 thoughts on “1991. Alien Class

  1. Herb

    I remember reading somewhere in the comments here that you get all of your characters’ names from the obituary section. I think New Zealanders have very interesting names. This was a very educational post.

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply
  2. badfinger20 (Max)

    “psychedelic chunder” and “Blubberteria”… I won’t forget those…

    They sound like rock band names. “Now featuring Blubberteria”…Blubberteria plays progressive psychedelic chunder…catch their new song “Constipolorus”…their tour dates are on Disgracebook.

    I agree with Herb also…New Zealanders have some unique names.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. Bruce Post author

      “Psychedelic chunder” is a fairly common expression over here – and I didn’t realize it was that uncommon – but it’s a very descriptive phrase and one I like!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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