Jerome Holke Barbarich-Askelund’s doctor had given him bad news. He had not been feeling well and was not at all surprised when the doctor announced (in a kindly and tender manner) that what Jerome Holke Barbarich-Askelund had was terminal.
“Oh well,” shrugged Jerome, “we all eventually get our marching orders I suppose.”
He went home and within a week had become obsessed with the death notices in the morning paper. Here was a list of those who had died – usually the day before. Jerome began to work out each morning where his name would go alphabetically if he had indeed passed away on the preceding day.
Amor
Austin
Baird
Burgin
Cain
If he had died his name would appear between Baird and Burgin.
Ackerley
Alexander
Batwell
Blayney
Blight
If he had died his name would appear between Alexander and Batwell.
And there, on the third day, BARBARICH-ASKELUND! There it was in print! In black and white! What a mystery!
Anderson
Atherfold
Aycock
BARBARICH-ASKELUND
Butt
“As far as I know,” said Mrs. Barbarich-Askelund, “we are the only ones in the country with this family name. It’s a complete bafflement. I’m in a state of stupefaction.”
After two weeks, Mrs. Barbarich-Askelund’s friend, Gloria Wiggins said, “Look Myrtle-Bianca, you have to admit that he’s been dead for two weeks now. You can’t go on pretending it didn’t happen. “
“Oh Gloria!” sobbed Myrtle-Bianca Barbarich-Askelund, “to die is one thing. To appear in print between Aycock and Butt is shocking. Jerome will never forgive me.”
Oh my. I completely missed it the first time because I saw there was a Baird on the list. It’s the name of a world famous blogger, you know.
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BAIRD IF I’m not mistaken!
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Yes, I believe you and I are speaking of the same one. Too bad about him. I wonder how he passed?
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Too much whiskey I suspect.
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Well, in Wisconsin they do use it to stay warm. Or so I have been told.
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That can’t be true – otherwise they wouldn’t put ice in it.
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It’s one of their customs, I understand. Perhaps to commemorate some ancient Baird or other.
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Yes – there’s certainly enough of them to finish the whole bottle off.
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Reports of my death have been slightly exaggerated.
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Must have been one of them New Zealand Bairds.
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Herb started it.
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I’m not surprised.
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Better than to die an ignominious death.
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I presume you’re not speaking from experience.
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If I were, I’d visit in person.
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Wow.
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It’s not the circumstances of a ghost propagating the ritual of reading newspapers that has left me stunned, it’s the scandalous existence of the departed between two private organs, even if symbolic. Very Mischievous, Mr Goodman.
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Thank you Uma. I kinda like “mischievous” even though I’m probably not!
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Hahaha, serves him right for having such a pretentious name I think!
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Although it’s true he had a [pretentious name, I wouldn’t mind it once I’d learnt to spell it.
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