642. Hot breakfast

© Bruce Goodman 14 July 2015

642rude

(This story comes with a strong language warning for those of more discerning taste).

Once every two weeks or so, Mr Selwyn Bergquist would have breakfast at The Morning Egg on Main Street. If he had breakfast alone he always ordered “Colonial Fare”: a mixture of sausages, black pudding, fried eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. It came with a bottomless cup of coffee.

In recent times, however, Mr Selwyn Bergquist had brought along a guest; sometimes two. He would “show off”.

“These eggs are runny. You know I always have them hard. Take them back.”

“This toast has touches of burn along one side. Take it back.”

“This black pudding does not come up to the usual standard. Take it back.”

On and on would go Mr Selwyn Bergquist. The cook was beside himself. The manager of The Morning Egg had approached Mr Bergquist in private. The manager told him they were very unhappy when he had guests. Please refrain from your loud negative criticisms or eat elsewhere.

Mr Selwyn Bergquist was outraged. The following week he brought along three guests, “from overseas!” They were rich! They were famous! The Morning Egg should be honoured to have them eat in its premises.

“And this egg is hard. You know I like it runny. Take it back.”

The manager appeared.

“You and your fucking toffee-nosed swanky friends can shove the fucking eggs up your fucking arseholes, you bitchtited snorting testicle-faced twot. Either eat the fucking stuff or piss off.”

Mr Selwyn Bergquist stormed out. The following morning, the three “from overseas” came back for breakfast.

“We rather enjoy the cayenne pepper that comes with the food,” they said.

It caught on. The Morning Egg is now The Rude Crude Food. The place is always packed. The manager’s had to learn new strings of invective. The cook loves it; he can cook any-which-way provided the clients complain.

55 thoughts on “642. Hot breakfast

  1. Yvonne

    Argh, I’m about to become a Rude Crude Blog Follower! So, ‘they’ve’ changed things again, and we have to learn how to navigate the Reader all over again. I can hear the rust falling off the neuronal connections …

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. Cynthia Jobin

      Yes, Yvonne! It’s &%?#*@! infuriating! And now they’ve not only made it more difficult to access the original site, but they are telling you how long a “read” each post is…..How do they know how long it takes me to read one of Bruce’s stories? What if I want to re-read it for all the nuances and arcane literary references it contains….what If I want to muse over it? Is this a speed reading contest? Disgusting.

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply
      1. Keith Channing

        Taken with the changes made to the authoring/edit screens, It’s probably because they are convinced that (a) the vast majority of users access the site on a mobile phone, (b) the majority of users are young, and (c) those that don’t fit into he first two categories don’t really matter.

        Liked by 3 people

        Reply
        1. Bruce Goodman Post author

          I think you’re right, Keith. Your 10 minute postings take me half an hour to assimilate. What’s the definition of a WordPress person who posts? Someone who impatiently paces up and down in front of the microwave!…

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
  2. Ryan

    First of all, I lost it on this line “You and your fucking toffee-nosed swanky friends can shove the fucking eggs up your fucking arseholes, you bitchtited snorting testicle-faced twot. Either eat the fucking stuff or piss off.” But that´s just me, a sucker for foul language. Also, the subtle twist at the end coupled with a happy ending was awesome. I really liked this.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

This is the chattanooga choo chew the fat chat:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s