694. Ella’s annoying husband


It annoyed Ella immensely. She was spitting tacks. Her husband, Abram, was addicted to reading all those safety procedures on the back of packaging. Go into a paint shop and he’d be reading what paint was harmful to aquatic life, and what bottle of turpentine if spilt on the skin could form a rash. Go into a garden shop and it was the insect sprays and plant fertilizers. Wait a week after spraying before devouring the sprayed broccoli. It drove Ella nuts. She hated going shopping with him.

“Why don’t you stop reading all that nonsense?” she would say. “All you seem interested in these days is chemical safety procedures. What about developing some proper interests? Mabel’s husband took up lawn bowls. You could do that. Or at least have some awareness when we buy food at the supermarket instead of standing there among the detergents and laundry powders reading the labels. Just get a life, you silly man.”

“It says here,” said Abram, “that this oven cleaner may cause damage to internal organs through prolonged or repeated exposure.”

“Poof!” said Ella. “Who cares?”

Ella should have cared because, if the truth be known, Abram wasn’t overly interested in chemical safety procedures. He was reading the labels because he was planning the best way to finish her off.

46 thoughts on “694. Ella’s annoying husband

  1. Cynthia Jobin

    Well, if Ella is already spitting tacks, Abram shouldn’t have to plan too much longer….I’m wondering if you do research for these gleeful murder stories,… you know, in case you ever need to know for DIY…..

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Susanne

    I love the name Ella and now I think of Ella Fitzgerald spitting tacks as she sings. This Ella stands a fighting chance if, as she expires, she shoots her annoying husband with her last drop of saliva.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Cynthia Jobin

          Bocce is a bowling game similar to lawn bowls only it’s Italian. The jack is called a “pallino”, the wooden balls are the size of a very large grapefruit and are totally round, rather than elliptical on one end; it’s usually played outdoors on grass or dirt. I used to live near a factory where there was a bocce court for the workers—mostly Italian—who played bocce on their lunch hour with great gusto, argument, and loud cheers and boos. In a former life, my partner and I owned a bocce set (much less expensive than lawn bowls, I surmise) and the young nieces and nephews loved to play with it in our back yard.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Bruce Goodman Post author

            Thanks for that! I have no idea why I have never heard of it. Major sections of the capital city – Wellington – where I once lived – is Italian so you’d think I would’ve come across it. We used to have a croquet set. It’s played by sweet older people who smile as they violently decimate their opposition.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. arlingwoman

    Maybe he should just hit her with a croquet mallet. When I was in graduate school, one of my friends lived in a house with a croquet set and the roommates had set up a permanent course on the lawn and we spent many, many ill-clothed hours playing hilariously vicious croquet without a thought for chemicals in the lawn (because there were none).

    Liked by 1 person


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