714. Why people hate taxes

714cherries

Please fill in the form below, answering each question thoroughly:

1. Food is not a taxable item. If however you have eaten a cherry in the last financial year, then roughly 45% of the cherry is non-edible, being the cherry stone and stem. The tax element for each cherry purchased is 22% of the total cost of each cherry divided by 45%. Multiply this by the total number of cherries devoured. If however, cherries were purchased for the hospitality industry, go to question 275 on page 84. If the cherries were purchased and allowed to go rotten before being devoured, add 7.5% for wastage tax, bearing in mind that if they were removed from your premises inside an official town collection trash bag, then 0.5% can be deducted from the 7.5%. Attach the receipt for the trash bag when sending in your tax return. If the cherries were imported from overseas, the tax rate is 47.2% per cherry, unless they were Romanian-grown, in which case the stones are inclined to be larger and the tax rate per cherry is 48.6%. If you haven’t eaten any cherries in the last 12 months, then go to the Health Section beginning on page 2,439 and explain why you’re not eating healthily. Note that a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae is regarded as part of the ice cream sundae and is taxed under the dairy section of this tax return.

2. Dried Apricots. If you have…

60 thoughts on “714. Why people hate taxes

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Thank you, Pauline. I actually wrote it just yesterday, as the story scheduled for today was about Hillary Clinton (whom I loathe with a vengeance) and I thought maybe it shouldn’t be posted so I wrote a replacement.

      Reply
      1. Cynthia Jobin

        You couldn’t possibly loathe Hillary any more than I do. Anyway, Albert Einstein is reputed to have said (when filling out tax forms): this is too difficult for a mathematician; it takes a philosopher.

        Reply
  1. chrisnelson61

    Brilliant, Bruce. Is the whole tax/ welfare system designed purely to confuse? It’s contagious too – here you can’t even buy a rail ticket without being bombarded by a multitude of ‘offers’ which are impossible to fathom!

    Reply
  2. arlingwoman

    I’m so glad to know that tax instructions other places are as maddening. Maybe it’s just people interested in doing that as a job? Don’t know. Re HRC, I like Bernie Sanders myself. And the Pope, well, I managed to avoid crowds, traffic and public transport today, so am feeling good about that.

    Reply
      1. wolfberryknits

        Lol, no, that would be chips or something wouldn’t it? πŸ™‚
        I actually have a little machine called a Cherry Chomper which pits the cherries. They are my favourite fruit, I take it very seriously πŸ™‚

        Reply
    1. Cynthia Jobin

      I notice, Oscar, my compatriot, that you call that part of the cherry a “pit” as I do, and not a “stone,” so I want to reassure you that your fine pun didn’t go totally unnoticed. But whether it’s a pit or a stone, I am bemused by the use of the word “pitted,” as with cherries, or pitted olives, means the pit is removed….but shouldn’t that be “unpitted”? Can’t always figure these things out. “Stoned”…on the other hand…..

      Reply
      1. Bruce Goodman Post author

        Thank you for pointing out the pun – and I dare say “pit” is the correct term although I’ve never heard it used; but “unpitted” certainly and I’ve always wondered what it meant. Apples have pips, and I was going to say peaches have kernels but Google said “peach kernels are extracted from the pits”. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if it’s just me … was I brought up in a sheltered existence and missed out on “pit” because of such, or is it a word not used here at the bottom of the world? My cherry tree is in flower at present – which is not at all a pit-ty.

        Reply
        1. Cynthia Jobin

          Thanks for the enlightenment on stone vs. pit, Bruce. I am druping with almost too much information. I suspect we will all respectively and respectfully continue to call the suckers whatever we’ve called them all along… πŸ™‚

          Reply
            1. Cynthia Jobin

              I remembered the word drupe from Biology class in high school, probably because I’m a word nut and it’s a fun word. But I couldn’t have defined it again until today. Thank you, Bruce. Once a teacher, always a teacher!

              Reply
  3. Keith Channing

    Cherries aren’t the problem. Groundnuts are the problem:
    “In the Nuts (Unground)(Other than Groundnuts) Order the expression nuts
    shall have reference to such nuts other than groundnuts, as would, but
    for this Amending Order, not qualify as nuts (Unground)(Other than
    Groundnuts) by reason of their being nuts (Unground).”
    Fictitious, but fun.

    Reply
    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Nuts are indeed a problem – and I can think of three meanings of nuts – but there’s probably more. So, to sum up, if you’ve got nuts man you’re sunk taxation-wise.

      Reply
  4. derrickjknight

    This is one of your more taxing offerings, Bruce. I lost the will to live, which shows how accurate you were. Oscar might like to know that certain members of my family always spout excrement in the way he has.

    Reply

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