697. The national paper

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The famous sports star has a new driveway at his holiday home! I repeat! The famous sports star has a brand new driveway! It’s on the front page of the national newspaper. But that’s not all! No! No! No!

A neighbour has complained. It’s all there on the front page! Complained! She said it was an ugly driveway. She’s trying to sell her house and the next-door famous sports star has ruined her prospect of selling by putting in an ugly driveway.

There’s even more on the front page of the national newspaper! More? More! A film star was seeing buying a pair of sunglasses in a little village to the south. A little village! A pair of sunglasses! A real film star! Why was she in that little village? Is she making a secret movie? Is she having an affair?

But wait! There’s more! A third item on the front page, complete with a coloured photograph, states that the Prime Minister spends ten minutes each morning reading the morning paper! The national morning paper! Our paper! The same paper as me! He does it, he says, to keep up with what’s happening in the world.

Just on that alone, the editor should get a pay rise I reckon.

37 thoughts on “697. The national paper

            1. Bruce Goodman Post author

              A fan here too! I once played the part of Algernon Moncrieff! On opening night, the person playing Ernest forgot his last line, and instead of saying “Which just goes to show the importance of being Ernest”, he said, “Which just goes to show how necessary it is to have the name of Ernest”!

              Liked by 1 person

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                    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

                      Mud, mud, glorious mud
                      Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
                      So follow me follow, down to the hollow
                      And there let me wallow in glorious mud. Flanders and Swann’s “Hippopotamus Song”

                      Liked by 1 person

          1. Bruce Goodman Post author

            As a former library, there are two things not to be tolerated in libraries: eating and guffawing. As Cynthia suggests – a demure giggle behind the hand could be tolerated. (Provided the giggle stemmed from reading something genuinely humorous in a piece of classic literature.)

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  1. thecontentedcrafter

    And right there we have all that is wrong with the world …….. You have a way of putting your finger exactly on the sore spot Bruce! Beautifully told too. I’ve missed a post or two due to the general chaos and busyness of having family descend on me for my birthday celebrations, please forgive any further absences in the comments section – Like Arnie, I will be back. 🙂

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    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      When Pope Benedict resigned the New Zealand Herald’s main page item was in fact some Hollywood actress had purchased a pair of sunglasses in Masterton (which is the town film director Peter Jackson lives in!)

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  2. Belinda Crane

    Hilarious Bruce. Unfortunate that this is a non-fiction piece. Who really needs to know this stuff. Love the audio. I was so hoping the actress had been seen in a Fish’n’ Chip shop. You guys always give me a giggle when I hear you say that. Really though …. who was the actress?? Need to know… 😉 (Just joshing Bruce …. )

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