685. Gary answers the phone


The phone went. Gary answered. Hello. Hello.

It was Jenny from an insurance company. Did Gary have funeral coverage? There were many advantages.

Gary was interested. He didn’t have funeral coverage, and these days… goodness! A funeral cost more than a trip to Phuket.

And so many more benefits, said Jenny. Now have I got your address right? And your phone number? And you date of birth? Is this your bank account number?

We can arrange an automatic payment, said Jenny. What’s your pin number?

Gary realised it was a scam. He had already divulged too much. But a pin number over the phone? Never!

“Look!” said Gary, “we’ve traced your phone number. We now have your physical address. Just make sure there are no children in the building for the next 48 hours. And watch what you eat, and where you eat. In fact, why don’t you save us the trouble and slit your own throat?”

An arrest was made. Thank goodness for that. There are far too many bad people about that get away with things. But not to worry; Gary’s inside for two years.

39 thoughts on “685. Gary answers the phone

  1. Cynthia Jobin

    I especially liked your statement about how much a funeral costs, but was unfamiliar with a place called Phuket and, of course, I was mentally mispronouncing it, until I did some research and realized the error of my ways. Then I was inspired to write for you this wee verse:

    That wish-list you tuck in your bucket?
    You might as well pluck it and chuck it,
    Sock away half your pay
    ‘Cause a funeral today
    Costs more than a voyage to Phuket!

    Poor Gary…..

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Can the sun get brighter than it already is?
      Can a star slip lower on the horizon? Yes.
      And it is poo… But Cynthia had already composed her poem before she googled the pronunciation!

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      I think the Phu rhymes with pooh, and the ket rhymes with get! Pooh-ket! Here in New Zealand the WH in Maori is pronounced as an F. As a kid I lived in Whakarara – not sure what a rara is!

        1. Bruce Goodman Post author

          I was simply going on the television pronunciation during the tsunami! I tried to play the pronunciation on Websters Dictionary online, and it wouldn’t work. Maybe it’s Phuketted.

            1. Cynthia Jobin

              The Youtube pronunciation is as you say, poo-ket, and the guy at the local Thai restaurant (friend of mine, since I love Thai food) says it without the “t” closure at the end….like a French é
              I think I’ll go with your version, since its probably the most universal….and you’re so worldly wise!

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      It happened to me – except I didn’t go to prison. The police came and I had to write a letter of apology! The police weren’t the slightest bit interested in the scam. They were only interested in me telling the scammer to “go slit your throat”!

        1. Bruce Goodman Post author

          Actually, it was a member of Parliament. He was a “black” and referred to us “whites” as “mother-fucking white trash”. I complained to him in an email and he got the police on to me and demanded a written apology. He got the letter because I wanted to end the ordeal, but he was/is regarded as a “hero of indigenous rights”.

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Thanks Jane for the reblog and for reading and enjoying the story. The comments I have no control over – the commentators seem to be attracted to my stories like flies to a rotten carcass…

  2. Bruce Goodman Post author

    Anyone else getting an exceedingly annoying popup on WordPress bottom right that stays all sorts of message that I don’t want? I paid to get rid of the ads. And now this shits on my screen!
    😦 I rarely use the word, but it f**ks me off!

  3. umashankar

    A trademark stroke. I loved every bit of it, right from the caller who whisked up the horrors of the funeral, to the shocking end. it is always a pleasure to be in on Weave a Web.

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Well it actually happened to me – almost word for word – but I didn’t go to prison. If you’ll pardon the language, the Maori Member of Parliament called all the non-Maori members of the country “mother-fucking White trash”. So I emailed him and told him to slit his throat. It didn’t work! The police got on to me…! 😦

      1. umashankar

        Wow! There is one more thing we have in common, even though we are in crazily different cultures and climes –the pesky callers remain the same, nonetheless.


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