1063. To aid arachnophobia

Hello. I am a spider. I’m a little overwhelmed that some people are afraid of spiders. It’s arachnophobically ridiculous. So I thought I would help out by showing you around my home. That way you might learn that we are simple, normal, run-of-the-mill creatures, and there’s nothing to fear.

This here is my web; the entrance netting. It’s a beautiful thing, especially in the morning dew. It’s like a human being’s front flower garden. People think it is there specifically to catch flying food, but that’s not exactly the case. It’s there mainly to protect the front door of my home from invasion, like your garden gateway to stop a stranger’s unwelcome visitation. When a flying enemy gets caught in the net, I numb them and kindly invite them inside. Some get quite a buzz out of that. Let us go inside now.

Welcome to my kitchen! It’s not a kitchen like other kitchens. We spiders eat our food raw. A lot of people do that with fruit and vegetables; eat them raw. It’s healthy to eat raw. But what the kitchen is used for is to boil up different syrups to make the web sticky. Note all the shiny copper-bottom pots hanging from the ceiling! It’s quite a job cooking and cleaning because, as you know, syrup can easily burn and stick to the bottom of a pot.

This next room is the exterminating room. After impressing my guests with the kitchen, we welcome them here and humanely exterminate them. They are simply injected with a lethal poison and are dead in seconds. Sometimes I might have to bite a head or two off to speed up the process. Let us move along.

The space through this door is the abattoir. First the juices are extracted on this sucking machine, and the carcass is then hacked into edible portions. We spiders eat politely. We’re not pigs. If there’s too much food, leftovers are placed in clay pots to be stored for future use. We won’t bother to enter just now, but the clay pots are stored in the pantry through that door.

Finally, here is the dining room. We don’t sit to eat; we stand. It’s a spider tradition. We must always be on the alert for the approach of yet another flying enemy. Would you perhaps care for a piece of moth leg or a slice of grasshopper abdomen? A fly eye? A mosquito proboscis? Such variety!

I hope this tour has helped conquer any irrational fears you might have about spiders. We are ordinary; in fact, almost human. I shall hopefully catch you later.

10 thoughts on “1063. To aid arachnophobia

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Thanks, Derrick. One of my (personal) all time favourite stories and only the one comment!!! Such a paucity raises so many metaphysical questions, such as: is there a heaven and a hell, how many angels can fit on the end of a pin, and what the heck is it that’s getting under your garden wall?

      Liked by 1 person

  1. GP Cox

    I don’t think it’s so much a fear of spiders, but they are so much like humans – sneaky. The black widow’s behavior and how about that brown recluse? So tiny he’s hard to see, but it will gradually eat your flesh away! You can’t hear them crawling up to you, they secretly build their webs when you’re sleeping and then you walk right into them when you water the plants – jeez – I think I just described my mother-in-law!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Ha Ha! I do hope mother-in-law doesn’t read your comment! New Zealand has only the one native poisonous creature and it’s a spider – the katipo. Someone last died of a bite from it as recently as 1901 so watch out!

      Liked by 1 person


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