2020. The camel was designed by a committee

(Today is story Number 2020 and will be my last posting for a while. (For those a little slow, 2020 is also the year!) Today too marks my 71st birthday, so what a splendid time to debloggerate for a bit! 2020 stories, 100 poems, nearly four hundred pieces of music – and thanks to you my readers, just under 40,000 comments! (Clearly, some of you can’t shut up!) I shall be back at some stage but possibly to do different things. After all, if a person hasn’t found a single story they liked out of 2020 then… whatever. I thought (inspired by a suggestion once made by Uma) that I might write some monologues. Or (as Iseult suggested) I might write Part II of an “autobiography”. Or (as I have suggested to myself many times) I might write another novel. Who knows?! Anyway, here is today’s story, the final, entitled “The camel was designed by a committee”.)

The Nobel Prize for Literature Committee called a very important meeting. They had invited a group of people to advise whether or not, for the first time in Nobel history, a blogger should receive the award. No one knows a blogger like a blogger. Apologies if your presence and what you said at the meeting was not recorded; the story would get too long – but whole-hearted thanks to ALL who read this blog.

Below is a rough transcription of the meeting. Andrea set the ball rolling.

Andrea: I really don’t think we should award Bruce the Nobel Prize for Literature. He would probably show his thanks by killing us all off in a story.

Uma: I agree with Andrea. Our world is dark enough without our adding to it. Mind you, it’s a Catch 22 situation; he’ll kill us off in the stories whether we say yes or no.

Nitin: What Bruce getting the Nobel Prize for Literature has got to do with Bozo the Clown is quite beyond me.

Yvonne: I’m not in favour of the Nobel Prize for Literature being given to Bruce. Imagine the interminable shopping lists he’d make once he got all that money.

GP Cox: He needs a bomb put under him.

Lisa: I agree with Yvonne on this one. I have tried to play his music on the violin and I think we should concentrate on his stories.

Keith: As a poet and story writer who has lived in France I really think there are cases more worthy, such as…

João-Maria (interrupting): I agree with Keith. I can think of lots of Portuguese poets who…

Ian (interrupting): Since no one knows who I am I can speak the truth without any negative repercussions. All I can say about his getting the Nobel Prize is – balderdash. Bunkum. Hokum. (And (although he might hate me saying) possibly the one who writes enough stupid stuff to be appreciated).

Max: He doesn’t know much about popular music from the 60s and 70s, so personally I’m more in favour of awarding it to Bob Dylan. Someone like that.

Matthew: Bob Dylan’s already got it once. I agree with João-Marie; but not Portuguese poets. Colombian poets would be more suitable.

Noelle: The Pilgrim Fathers (and Mothers) didn’t get off the Mayflower to award the Nobel Prize for Literature to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. I cry Murder! Murder! It’s a “No!” from me because I usually found his methods of killing people under researched.

Sylvie: I suspect he hasn’t written any haikus, so it’s “Non” from me (which according to Google Translate is French for “No”).

Herb: I’ve looked back over my own blog over the years, and if length of service is anything to go on I shall have to recommend the same as Sylvie, only in English.

Chelsea: As a mother of five boys I simply haven’t got any spare time to voice an opinion, although it’s pretty amazing how much I get done in a day.

Terry: From my point of view, all I can say is I’m an Australian, and my excellent stories are…

Sarah  (interrupting): As a published author I cannot recommend the prize going to someone who has never been published. In fact, in researching the history of the Nobel Prizes I can’t think of a single unpublished author who has had a book published. Nor for that matter can I think of a published author who has not had a book published.

Alex: They certainly haven’t made any films using his stories. For that matter, they haven’t made even a sitcom. It’s pathetic. What a pathetic loser! What an insignificant personage! It’s going to be a big fat “No” from me.

Chris: And “No” from me. His poems don’t rhyme. Nor do most of mine but that’s not what we’re on about here.

Cindy: If it’s photographable I’m in favour of it, although he’s not particularly photogenic. Then again, not every bird I photograph is pretty. Some are downright ugly. On second thoughts, I’m voting “No”. Sometimes one has to take into account the feelings of the camera.

Marina: Hello from Greece. I’m standing at my easel wondering whether to write or paint my “No”.

John: It looks like it’s going to be a unanimous “NO”. I should know because I write excellent poetry and have two daughters who live in New Zealand. In fact, Bruce and I have just had a series of poems published in a new poetry anthology called “No More Can Fit Into the Evening”. Published by Four Windows Press in Wisconsin. More of that anon.

Inese: Bruce is as cunning as a fox, although he’s never seen one. I went for a long and very picturesque walk along a river bank in Ireland to think about this award, and I got so distracted by the beauty of the environment that I quite forgot to think. Mind you, I have played all 160 of his piano pieces. Unfortunately there’s no Nobel Prize for Piano Music.

Lindsey: Speaking of walking… who’s this walking up the garden path this very minute?

Gulsum: Why! It’s Bruce himself!

Bruce: Hands up! Hands up! This is a hold up! Stick ‘em up!

Tom: We can’t say we weren’t warned. (And Tom’s publishing company – Four Windows Press – is the publisher of the poetry anthology mentioned by John above. And Tom is also one of the editors).

Paul: Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!

Iseult: Where is a murderous machete when I need it? Help! A machete! A machete! My latest novel for a machete!

Bruce: Ok. Just this once I relent. In today’s story, you’re all going to survive. Well, maybe not all… YOU – over there in the corner in the silly hat – I see you’ve already nibbled surreptitiously on some of the poisonous salami I put out for refreshments later on.

Simon: I haven’t eaten any of the poisonous salami. I eat only what I cook myself – unless someone else cooks it. Why don’t you get on your bike and pedal off?

Bruce got onto his bicycle and pedaled off into the sunset. Of course, he’s so unfit that it’s not impossible he won’t get far.

THE END

71 thoughts on “2020. The camel was designed by a committee

  1. Shooting Nebula

    As Bruce was about to leave, I noticed that he forgot to take his shiny gift (brought by Ian) with him.
    Me (shouting and interrupting): Hey! Birthday Boy…
    But Bruce pedaled off real fast, waving the Nobel Prize with his one hand.

    Happy birthday Bruce 🙂 🎔

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  2. Herb

    Happy birthday! I had thought about voting for you but I felt the others had more clout and I may need the same committee some day. Honestly, I am going to miss you in the days ahead.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  3. chrisnelson61

    Many happy returns, Bruce. This is a marvellous take and I love all of your references (all of which I’m certain are accurate).
    Of course as the award was decided upon by a committee, and all were certain that you were not worthy of it, you did, in fact, receive it!
    Enjoy your rest and I will look forward to seeing you back here one day in the not too distant future.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  4. Yvonne

    Oh Bruce, we will miss you. My morning routine is all thrown atilt. My lovely Canadian niece and I will no longer have an email chat about your latest brilliant (or not, as the case might be) offering.

    Anyhow, do wish you a happy birthday, youngster, and many more of them.

    Would you accept the igNobel prize perhaps?

    So long, and thanks for all the fish.

    Love from across the pond.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Bruce - Weave a Web Post author

      Thanks Yvonne. Have you been in lockdown where you are? Do you wear a mask? and if so I hope you used the disguise to hold up a service station or two. I’m only too delighted to have thrown your morning routine out of kilter. I should have done it more often! Will be in touch any way….

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Yvonne

        My attempt at robbery went off the rails very rapidly. My Canadian accent, and tendency to giggle when trying to be serious may have given me away. The cell in the police station was surprisingly comfy.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
    1. Bruce - Weave a Web Post author

      We have four birthdays in the house – 2 on the 5th, 1 on the 6th, and 1 on the 7th. We have no whiskey but the wine bill over those three days eats into the budget like you wouldn’t believe. Regarding the poisonous salami – I was counting on the antidote: a good Wisconsin Beer.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  5. umashankar

    It will be cruel (and foolish) to stick a label on your virtuous Muse but I suspect you are a playwright deep down your heart. I was riveted to the edge of my seat till your signature climax! Here is wishing the best of everything on your special day, my friend. Little would you know, your blog has been the bough I’ve been hanging on to tenuously to keep me linked to the world of blogging. For the life of me, I can’t bid goodbye to you — I know you’ll be back.

    PS: Thanks for immortalising me in this exquisite piece.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
      1. umashankar

        Hi, Yvonne. Deep wounds have a notorious propensity of hurting in future! I have already begun feeling the withdrawal symptoms. I suspect we will have to conspire to extricate him from the self-imposed exile.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply
    1. Bruce - Weave a Web Post author

      Well dear Uma – I said I was taking a break and you know how unreliable I am. And that last one was written in September so that has already been a few months’ break. However – I am going (I think) to disappear for a while.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  6. badfinger20 (Max)

    I thought I told Bob to mention you in his speech! I might have to take it back from him…

    Bruce… Happy Birthday and don’t be shy with a hi every now and then…and if inspiration should hit for more music or a story please post it unless you decide to sell it to become a millionaire many times over…and then you will forget us…your readers… the great unwashed.

    Bruce don’t be a stranger… and I will miss your dark, musical, mysterious, and downright bizarre journeys every day…and where else will I learn those New Zealand phrases?

    Enjoy yourself Bruce. I will make it a point to start at your number 1 story and work myself through…until you decide to grace us with your presence again…and I actually mean that.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. Bruce - Weave a Web Post author

      Max, I am notoriously unreliable – so my “break” could well be a temporary venture. Today I listened to the 2020 music I’d done this year and thought WTF! Perhaps I should do more???? It’s wonderful people like your dear self that make some things worth the while.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  7. Keith Edgar Channing

    Many happy returns, Bruce. I shall miss your stuff if your break turns into a brake, but I’m sure whatever you decide to do next you will do well.
    For myself, I’m beginning to wonder whether I should have stopped when I hit 71 last year. I’ll not ask for a show of hands, though, for fear too many would say Aye.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
      1. Keith Edgar Channing

        I was feeling the same way, Bruce. Cutting down from daily to a couple of times a week helped me a lot. Before I started on the regular limericks, it was only the Kreative Kue and its response that were written weekly. The Sunday Serialisation is prepared many months in advance.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  8. inese

    Ah bless your heart, Bruce. I did play your music, and I loved it. I think you are too modest – but it is probably what makes you YOU. I look forward to reading the part II of your autobiography. It is the time for you to become a published author (and composer) to qualify for the Nobel Prize, if not anything else. I am delighted to hear you still cycle into the sunset with style and grace 😊 I wouldn’t even dream… Walking along the river is my limit 😉
    Happy 71! I know I will hear from you again soon. Thank you for being a friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. Sarah Angleton

    I demand a retraction. I was misquoted. And I would never interrupt an Australian. You will have to try again, at least 2020 more times. I’m a little late to the party, and I said it early because I knew I probably would be, but happy birthday again! Hopefully you are still celebrating.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Bruce - Weave a Web Post author

      Thank you, Sarah. I am still celebrating! I agree – it wouldn’t pay to interrupt an Australian as they would instantly forget what they were trying to say. I am surprised (sort of) that you feel you were misquoted as I was sure you’d said it as it was so witty!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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