699. Long to reign


(Today’s story is inspired by the fact that today the Queen of New Zealand , Elizabeth II, has reigned longer than the previous record-holder, Queen Victoria).

What a marvellous monarch the monarch has been. How graciously the royal duties have been performed since ascending the throne. And today, all records of longevity of reign are to be smashed: the extraordinary lengthy reign of a predecessor will be beaten by a modern counterpart.

It has been a week since the monarch’s body was discovered sitting dead on the toilet. And now the day for breaking records had arrived. The embalming fluids have done their job wondrously. No announcement announcing death need be made until the new record has been recorded.

The body sits, entombed on a throne. An official statement from the palace has announced that no speech will be given as the monarch is “feeling a little off colour”.

It’s now just four more minutes before the new record will be set! Four minutes! Three minutes!

The cameras are honing in. The crown has slipped down over the forehead. The monarch’s nose has fallen off. A seam in the stomach muscle has burst. Festering fluids swamp the white frock. The lengthy record of reign set by a predecessor still holds sway. So close! It was so close!

Oh well! We wish the latest late monarch’s successor greater luck.

42 thoughts on “699. Long to reign

                1. Cynthia Jobin

                  When I saw the crown jewels at the Tower, all I could think about was the weight of them…how could one wear that stuff without getting a terrible headache, or sore muscles for days….but then I was young, and totally enthralled by the handsome Beefeater who bent down to light my cigarette while I was waiting in line……..

  1. Cynthia Jobin

    We are not amused. Not merely amused, that is, but finding this so freaking droll as to cause unseemly, unqueenly paroxysms of laughter, and threaten a fluid incontinence from the nether regions of our person.

  2. Oscar Alejandro Plascencia

    And such is life: a Long Terrain that must be endured only to end up on the shitter!

    The first time I ever heard that expression, “on the throne”. Was from my first boyfriend in high school. His stepfather was a open minded man and we got along famously. On this occasion my query of his absence was off handedly replied, “he’s sitting on the throne”. My fifteen year old, English as a second language mind failed to grasp the euphemism. The contorted expression on my countenance was quickly smoothed out with the explanation, “he’s taking a shit!”

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Thanks Peter. Yes, I’m pretty pro-Elizabeth II as well. If the monarchy survives her son, especially in the antipodean colonies, then it could last another 1000 years!

  3. Kate Loveton

    Ah, poor Lilibet – I guess it takes a former colonist to give the Queen the proper respect she deserves. 😀
    Your story was clever and funny! The comments made were equally enjoyable – especially about the crown jewels…

        1. Bruce Goodman Post author

          The commentators seem to chat about anything! albeit it wise. They seem to excel in chatting about anything but what’s in the story. I always wonder, when it gets posted, what the topic of conversation might end up being about!


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