658. Joker

© Bruce Goodman 30 July 2015


Hamilton had planned a joke for weeks. He would phone up his cousin, Cressida. He had practiced putting on a voice so she wouldn’t recognise who it was.

“Hello. Hello. Is that Cressida? Yes, it’s the Lottery Commission. You have won four million. You haven’t claimed your prize. We had trouble tracing you. We did it by connecting the store’s video with your bank card number. The bank transaction and the video coincided. And you’ve won four million!”

Instead of being ecstatic, Cressida was annoyed.

“You’ve no right to phone me,” she said. “You know already that I won because I claimed the prize money two days ago.”

“Did you really?” said Hamilton, forgetting to put on his voice. “Did you win the lottery?”

“Is that you Hamilton?” said Cressida. “Yes, I won the lottery and haven’t told a soul. And if you tell anyone I’ll have your guts for garters.”

“WOW!” said Hamilton putting down the phone. “WOW! She won the lottery!”

Silly fool.

24 thoughts on “658. Joker

    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      Thank you!! When I was a kid the expression “guts for garters” was very common. These days you never hear it as the modern personage doesn’t know what garters are. In the old days having ones socks down was punishable almost with death!

      1. Susan D. Durham

        Well, it’s a delightful expression! In the States, it was “my stars and garters” way back in the old days. Yours packs an extra punch of fun. I think it’s time to revive old turns of phrase.

  1. Oscar Alejandro Plascencia

    He he he! Glad to see that Cressida had the guts to put a stop to that fool of a cousin. Of course if she did actually have his guts for garters, he’d also probably be the first fool to buy them off her market stall.

  2. Belinda Crane

    Great story again Bruce. I laughed at this one, I didn’t cry. I think the origins of “guts for garters” is quite ominous from memory. I just went and checked. It’s actually quite gruesome! It was a saying created from a rather barbaric act …. ewwww! 🙂

  3. Cynthia Jobin

    Bruce: a comment of yours came through my morning mail (regarding American politicians) which you seem to have expunged here— perhaps after second thoughts— but I just wanted to tell you I loved it!!


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