845. Aunt Lola

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Aunt Lola was a drunk. She’d start drinking at about nine o’clock each day and would be drunk as a skunk by lunchtime. She used to knit, and half the time she didn’t know if she was knitting purl or plain, but it didn’t matter because she had no clue whether she was making a pullover or a pair of socks.

And selfish! She’d ask if anyone wanted a chocolate, and she’d produce a big box of chocolates, and when all the kids said “Yes!” she’d take a chocolate and unwrap it slowly and pop it in her mouth and say “Ha ha ha”. Everyone else got nothing as she slowly sucked on her chocolate.

And dirty too. I don’t know if she ever showered. She stunk. Apparently when she died they had to use a pair of scissors to cut her underwear off. It was stuck to her skin. Yuck!

She was one of the nastiest people I have ever met. A total conniving vixen, if you ask me.

Finally, I’d like to thank her kids for asking me to speak at her funeral today.

57 thoughts on “845. Aunt Lola

      1. Yvonne

        I’m doomed. My niece is also writing a eulogy, but far as I can tell, it’s all about her. I might as well give you her email address and keep knitting this … thing.

        Reply
  1. thecontentedcrafter

    Ouch! I was sucked in by the pretty picture and hit over the head with the first sentence. Haven’t even finished first coffee yet Bruce! I guess [apart from Yvonne’s] you won’t be getting any invites to eulogise at any funerals.

    Reply
  2. Susanne

    It’s the kind of eulogy you’d like to hear when a bitter old maggot dies and instead everyone goes on about how “unique” they were or “misunderstood” or some such nonsense.

    Reply
  3. Cynthia Jobin

    Having recently had to sit in a church suffering so called eulogies of persons I knew, delivered by people who really did not know or cherish the deceased, I think all formal eulogies—especially by clergy— should be dropped completely. It is better—as in the case of Lola—not to speak unkindly of the dead.

    Reply
    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      The clergy (RC) are not meant to deliver eulogies – that’s meant for some knowing person towards the end of the ceremony. The priest is meant to deliver a general and lovely little homily about death and life in general… 🙂 The worst one I have heard was my last school principal when a teacher died suddenly. He didn’t know anything about her and it showed.

      Reply
      1. Cynthia Jobin

        In the old days, in a small parish like ours, the priest did deliver the eulogy—though I know it’s not done that way now. I remember my grandmother’s raging request that we make sure the priest did not speak about her at her funeral. The gossips of the parish were quite stupefied when there was not the usual eulogy.

        Reply
      1. Cynthia Jobin

        One of the practical problems is…those best able to eulogize, because they genuinely knew and loved the person now dead, are usually too upset to be able to deliver a public speech.

        Reply
        1. arlingwoman

          You know that’s true, but I’ve seen some amazing ones where I wonder how the person found the strength. My brother delivered a truly beautiful one for my father and only had to pause once to gather himself. I could not have done it.

          Reply
  4. exiledprospero

    I see you have already begun to eulogize poor Lola, but for the real deal you should keep balance in mind, which is to say you should not only highlight your aunt’s good points. At the moment we get an unrealistic, somewhat Pollyannish impression of the woman. Go ahead, add some shocking details, look under some rocks or under those ugly, mean-spirited garden trolls. Nobody is that good, and the tear-shedding members of the congregation will shift uneasily in their pews. Oh, they may not call you out on it, but they will be thinking that you are an insincere and conniving fox, only interested in your aunt’s sizable inheritance.

    Reply
    1. Bruce Goodman Post author

      I certainly will take your kind suggestions to heart if ever called upon to do another eulogy or panegyric (the difference between the two has always escaped me). The thought of being Pollyannish struck me to the quick. I once accused a woman of being “very nunny” and she burst into tears. Your admonition was in that ilk. I must have the wisdom and humility to seek out the bad in the bastards I have met. Thank you.

      Reply
      1. exiledprospero

        It’s always best to go for the jugular first. You can always deal with the intricacies of slander later on. Besides, people in general need a good dressing down from time to time, and if you happen to be that instrument of public humiliation or chastisement, so be it. As to delivering another eulogy, I don’t see a problem as long as your rates are reasonable.

        Reply
        1. Bruce Goodman Post author

          Giving a person a good dressing gown seems an excellent idea, but not that handy (I suggest) if one is already dead. My panegyric rates are astronomical. The occasional fool accepts them and I get thrice as much for doing half the work.

          Reply
          1. exiledprospero

            Let’s take the example of a Greyhound bus (or the Nouvelle-Zélande equivalent). It’s safe to assume that more people on said bus are alive than dead. The moral of this preamble is to beseech you not to waste your time dressing down the dead: the living are far better audience (more lucrative: blackmail really pays well) as they outnumber the dead. Don’t waste your talent, Bruce.

            Reply
            1. Bruce Goodman Post author

              First of all I wish to make it quite clear that I am not one of these people who travel by bus, although I have been known to instruct the chauffeur with a “Follow that bus”. AND I wouldn’t be seen dead extolling the vices of a bus traveller. It’s like the meaningless saying “Make one’s bed and lie in it”. Who these days, except bus travellers, makes their own bed?

              Reply

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