631. Crab lines on a back drive

© Bruce Goodman 3 July 2015


(Today’s story is in response to a request/challenge from Derrick at Ramblings-derrickjknight. Derrick’s back driveway has been the object of possible mysterious criminal activity. To sum up the evidence at the scene: Jackie discovered something weird on the back drive. Derrick, camera in hand, was called. A fine fishing line, attached to two square spools, led across the gravel from a gap in the north hedge, and disappeared through a hole in the fence belonging to Number 5 Downton Lane. The fishing lines were removed from the drive, and upon pulling them up, they contained hooks and bait. They were identified as crab lines…)

The mystery has been solved, although no arrests as yet have been made.

One would have thought that Derrick, having been Mordred who created cryptic crosswords in newspapers for twenty years, could have solved the mystery himself. It goes to show how admirably cunning was the plot.

Something strange was happening in Milford on Sea and environs. Crystal and Jaspar Spanner-Linington of Stopples Lane, Hordle, Hampshire, United Kingdom, had grown bored. (Names and address have been changed to protect their children from getting bullied at school). Crystal and Jaspar were master thieves, but simple breaking-and-entering was very ho-hum. Thus they began a raft of eccentric thefts in Hampshire. This string of thefts was known to Scotland Yard, but was utterly unpredictable. Not one burglary was the same, and this made it impossible to catch the thieves.

Getting a couple of crab lines, attached to a couple of spools, with hooks and bait, Crystal and Jaspar tossed them over the fence from Number 5 Downton Lane (the occupiers were absent) onto the back driveway of Jackie and Derrick.

“Get your camera!” shouted Jackie to Derrick almost excitedly. “You’ve no idea what I have found on our back drive.”

They both rushed out to ooh and ahh and photograph. Strange indeed!

Meanwhile, Crystal and Jaspar Spanner-Linington had backed up their van and entered through the front door of Jackie and Derrick’s French terraced house. That evening, after the drive back to Hordle, Crystal and Jaspar Spanner-Linington dined on prawn crackers, spring rolls, chicken and cashew nuts, sweet and sour chicken, and egg fried rice. Jaspar microwaved the two chicken dishes whilst Crystal, eschewing the cooking directions on the box, fried the spring rolls and then, adding a mangled egg, the rice. Crystal drank Hoegaarden and Jasper imbibed more than a little cabernet sauvignon. Both pronounced the meal well worth the trip.

The following night they dined on fillet steak on a bed of onions, garlic, peppers, and mushrooms; chips; and runner beans; followed by mixed fruit crumble and custard. Crystal again drank Hoegaarden, whilst Jaspar imbibed Louis de Camponac cabernet sauvignon 2014.

Both agreed, a return trip was a certainty. Next time they’ll plant briar roses in the new rose garden. That should keep Jackie and Derrick occupied for some time while Crystal and Jaspar load the van.

20 thoughts on “631. Crab lines on a back drive

      1. thecontentedcrafter

        This is true – I should have realised that myself! I’m making my slowly through your autobiography and have just finished reading chapter 13, which is very sad and awfully realistic. I’m loving reading it and am savouring it a few chapters at a time.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. arlingwoman

    Oh Bruce, I was laughing so hard! I could join those folks in stealing food from Jackie and Derrick’s. I was particularly piqued by some fish cakes stuffed with cheese a while back. And of course, there’s all the scrumptious sounding take away….

    Liked by 1 person


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