2877. Drought

You wouldn’t believe the callousness and civic irresponsibility of some people. I say “civic irresponsibility” but it’s straight out civic disobedience.

Hi. My name is Marrick and I was put in charge of policing water usage during the drought season. The law says when a state of drought is declared that water has to be used carefully and is limited to two gallons a day for each household. There is a serious water shortage.

Just the other day I was out in the countryside and I ran into this chicken farmer. I said to him that his vegetable garden looked pretty lush if you ask me, and he said that over the wet winter he had stored water in two large tanks. He needed the water for his chickens and some for his vegetable garden to feed his family during the drought.

I pointed out that he should buy his vegetables like everyone else. He is not above the law. People are suffering. There’s a limit of two gallons a day for each household.

He said he’d saved the water when there was plenty falling from the sky.

Ridiculous! I’ve sent a crew out to his farm to empty the tanks. Two gallons a day is the stipulation. If he protests there’s always the court.

2852. What future is there?

By the year 2087 the Government has promised to get rid of gas stoves, heat pumps, wood burners, lightbulbs, fuel driven vehicles, lawnmowers, plastic, and many other things.

By then I shall be 137 years old. I am not looking forward to it.

Poem 104: Let no petal

Please recall when times were cloudless;
Then flowers of laughter strewed the way.
Let no petal fall in darkness.

Governments scream in rabid blindness:
This is how you’ll die today.
Please recall when times were cloudless.

Dying grandma faces vastness;
All alone she strives to pray.
Let no petal fall in darkness.

Parents, children, spouses - cheerless;
No held hands; no words to say.
Please recall when times were cloudless.

A little child knows no kindness;
Face the music come what may.
Let no petal fall in darkness.

Uncared for corpses, lifeless, worthless;
Governor’s greatness, no dismay.
Please recall when times were cloudless.
Let no petal fall in darkness.

To hear the poem read aloud click HERE.

1338. Fat lady in turnstile

Amanda was so fat that she got stuck in one of those entrance thingies one walks through to get into the supermarket. No one else could get into the shop because she was blocking the entrance.

Amanda began to scream, “I’m stuck! I’m stuck! Get me out of here!” No one took any notice. They had all gone to shop at the other supermarket in town where Amanda wasn’t blocking the entrance thingy.

In the end, the manager of the supermarket where Amanda was stuck got sick of no one shopping in his shop, so wrote a letter of complaint to his local Member of Parliament asking why the government hadn’t done something about it. The local Member of Parliament formed a committee. They came to observe Amanda stuck in the entrance thingy. Once again Amanda cried out, “I’m stuck! I’m stuck! Get me out of here!”

The committee decided not to act on the vociferous protest of a lone strident activist. “We can’t act on the recommendation of everyone who screams blue murder,” they said.

And that’s why Amanda is still there. Presumably.

1255. Annual drought relief

Hurry! If we farmers can get the Government to declare a disastrous-for-the-country drought before the expected rains arrive tonight, then of course it will take months to recover from such a drought. The handout should provide us with a pretty good nest egg. Me and the wife are thinking of using it for a well-deserved break in Tahiti. What you doing with yours?

1176. Government memo

Every item in every Government Department is to be insured against theft. Except for clocks as there’s always someone watching them.

1156. Free phone

It’s a marvellous thing, modern technology. The Government gave everyone with dementia a free phone.

They spend all day phoning each other up to tell each other the same thing.
They spend all day phoning each other up to tell each other the same thing.
They spend all day phoning each other up to tell each other the same thing.
They spend all day phoning each other up to tell each other the same thing.
They spend all day phoning each other up to tell each other the same thing.

I’m talking about the Government, not those with dementia.

871. Saved by the Government

The Government Minister of Finance couldn’t stop grinning from ear to ear. Beaming is hardly the word. The smile was so broad you could see his gums.

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that bacon can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating bacon by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that ham can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating ham by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that all meat can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating meat by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that food can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating altogether by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

The Government got re-elected because, in these hard times, they’ve done wonders with the economy.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!