Tag Archives: food

1112. Stone Age mealtime conversation

Adzehead: My word, Wildhoneysuckle, this boiled food is absolutely delicious.

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s beaver tail boiled in fresh spring water with a touch of cress and a pinch of salt.

Adzehead: And this dish here… scrumptious. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s mammoth heart stuffed with seasonal juniper berries, and slow roasted in an iron pan, which is the latest technology.

Adzehead: And this here is the best of all. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: You should know! We have it regularly.

Adzehead: Yes of course. I don’t know how those Neanderthals eat such crappy food yet taste so good.

1105. At a pinch

Claudine McPherson came up with a plan. Now that her two children had started secondary school she had got herself a “proper” job. There simply wasn’t time to cook.

“There’s little time to cook every day,” said Claudine, “so we’re going to take turns: me, Dad, Sonia, and Benny.”

When it came to Benny’s turn to cook, he followed the recipe assiduously. It was ground meat, and mashed potatoes, and green beans. The recipe for the meat said “Add a pinch of cayenne pepper.”

“My word!” exclaimed Claudine. “That pinch of cayenne pepper does wonders!”

The next time Benny cooked he added a tablespoon of cayenne pepper to make it extra nice.

1103. Foreign food

Unfortunately, Concetta’s love of exotic cooking had gone to her head. She had quite a name for it, and it was always wonderful to get invited to one of her festive meals.

She moved from country to country; not for real you understand, but in recipes. One day it might be a recipe from Bosnia-Herzegovina and the following week she would cook as if she lived in the jungles of the Amazon. Once, slap-bang in the middle of winter, her invited guests were treated to an array of recipes strictly from Iceland. Dried seals’ pizzles, for example. No one could guess where she got them from! What fun!

And then something wonderful happened! A new root vegetable appeared at the market. It was from South America. Concetta had never tried it before. Her research told her it was sweet and juicy. It could be eaten raw, in a salad or even a fruit salad. Or it could be cooked, like a potato. It came under a number of names. Some called it the Peruvian Ground Apple, but how plain is that? Concetta used the proper name of Yacón. Concetta invited her guests to partake of the exotic food. She would use it not only as a side dish for the main, but raw in a fruit salad along with pineapple and bits of peach.

The guests arrived. They were very interested in the side dish. It tasted alright; nothing to write home about. And then came the dessert. Thank goodness for French Vanilla Ice Cream! The fruit salad was horrible. No one said a word, but it was disgusting. It was extremely bitter. The guests chewed it with a smile.

But Concetta had muddled Yacón with Yucca. Yucca is an ornamental plant. By the morning, all her guests were dead from cyanide poisoning.

1092. Bastille Day

It was Bastille Day and Nora thought she’d invite the next door neighbours over for dinner. They were French.

Nora started with a mix of snails and frogs’ legs. “It’s very French,” said Nora to her guests. “I got the snails out of a tin. They’re the real thing.” Quite frankly they would never have guessed.

Next came French Onion Soup – “It’s out of a packet,” said Nora, “so it must be the genuine stuff.” The soup was served with French fries, and garlic bread made out of a baguette.

Last served was fruit salad and ice cream. “It’s nice to have something local in this cultural exchange,” declared Nora.

The neighbours went home afterwards, delighted with Nora’s commemoration of Bastille Day. They put on their berets, and rode home on bicycles with strings of onions hanging down the front.

1065. Chelsea felt hounded

Chelsea felt hounded, harassed, bothered. It wasn’t overly serious. She coped well. It was Tom from two doors down. He obviously had taken a fancy to Chelsea and had become a bit of a pain in the neck. Chelsea was too kind to tell him to go.

They were both quite young. No one was surprised that Tom had taken a shine to Chelsea. Chelsea lived alone, and Tom was left on his own all day. Everyone in the house went to work.

“He hangs around like a bad smell,” said Chelsea.

“Why don’t you give him the heave-ho?” asked one of Chelsea’s friends who was visiting.

“I’ve tried to but he takes no notice,” said Chelsea.

“Send him packing,” suggested another of Chelsea’s friends.

“I don’t have the heart,” said Chelsea.

“Why don’t you go one evening and visit the people home from work and ask them to try to restrict Tom a bit?” suggested yet another of Chelsea’s friends.

“He’s attracted to food,” said Chelsea. “Young males have insatiable appetites. For everything.”

“Don’t tell us you feed him,” exclaimed Chelsea’s astonished friends. “No wonder the dog comes to your place all the time.”

1029. Fastidious Johnnie

Claudia and Johnnie had been married for a good number of years. Over time, things that Johnnie did, little mannerisms and habits, began to annoy Claudia. Why, for example, did he always have to brush down the seat of the sofa before sitting down? The same for getting into the car. It was driving Claudia nuts.

There were other things too. The big annoyance was that he was older than she was. He had retired and stayed at home all day, while she still went to work. Talk about lazy. She almost pined for the day when he would pass away and she could live an independent life the way she wanted it. His fastidiousness was a constant aggravation.

Claudia thought Johnnie was eating unhealthily at lunch time when she wasn’t there. She began to prepare and leave healthy food for him to eat; organic fillings with gluten-free bread rolls, supplementary vitamin pills, non-fatty meats, and so on. No salt of course; never any salt.

After several months, Claudia discovered that Johnnie wasn’t eating the stuff she had prepared. He was eating junk food and hiding her preparations in the trash. No wonder the poison hadn’t worked.