Tag Archives: food

1029. Fastidious Johnnie

Claudia and Johnnie had been married for a good number of years. Over time, things that Johnnie did, little mannerisms and habits, began to annoy Claudia. Why, for example, did he always have to brush down the seat of the sofa before sitting down? The same for getting into the car. It was driving Claudia nuts.

There were other things too. The big annoyance was that he was older than she was. He had retired and stayed at home all day, while she still went to work. Talk about lazy. She almost pined for the day when he would pass away and she could live an independent life the way she wanted it. His fastidiousness was a constant aggravation.

Claudia thought Johnnie was eating unhealthily at lunch time when she wasn’t there. She began to prepare and leave healthy food for him to eat; organic fillings with gluten-free bread rolls, supplementary vitamin pills, non-fatty meats, and so on. No salt of course; never any salt.

After several months, Claudia discovered that Johnnie wasn’t eating the stuff she had prepared. He was eating junk food and hiding her preparations in the trash. No wonder the poison hadn’t worked.

995. Chicken cordon bleu

995schnitzel

Let’s face it; Alice was ever so slightly overweight. Her husband didn’t seem to mind, but it worried Alice. No matter what I do – she said – I can’t seem to lose weight.

The reality was that whenever Alice bought groceries she would also buy a big spicy chicken leg or a cheese burger or a sausage in a bun dripping with wonderful butter, and all from the delicatessen at the supermarket. It was something to eat in the car on the way home. Of course, Alice always tossed the wrapping out the car window. She wasn’t going to let her husband know she had squandered $2.70 on a fatty luxury.

On this day, Alice bought a wonderful soft cheese wrapped in a chicken schnitzel and fried coated with buttery bread crumbs. It was in a black polystyrene container with a plastic film wrapping. Alice devoured the schnitzel in the car. Delicious! She left the wrapping sitting on the passenger seat next to her. There was too much traffic for her to toss the wrapping out the window. She might get caught littering.

Once she was out of the traffic, Alice reached over, grabbed the schnitzel wrapping, and dropped it nonchalantly out the window.

When she arrived back home the wrapping was still on the seat. It must have blown back inside.

For weeks after that, Alice wondered… Where had she mislaid her purse?

882. I’m so tired of being rich

882venison

I’m so tired of being rich. People don’t realise how tedious money can become. I’ll give an example to illustrate what I mean.

Every day the cook would ask if there was anything special I would like for the evening meal. After a while – rather quickly actually – I ran out of ideas. I suggested to the cook that he make up his own mind, as long as he maintained his usual quality. That’s what he’s paid for. Well! You’ve no idea what happened! He served up a wild venison dish. I don’t like wild game particularly, and this meat was far too strong. It might’ve looked fancy, but … yuk! After that, I had to replace the cook with one who toned down the flavours a bit, thank heavens.

Then when my birthday came I said I was tired of all this fancy food and wanted something plain. Perhaps a rissole in a bun – something simple like that. What sort of salad would I like in the bun? A bit of red onion? No, no, no! Cheese? No, no, no! Just a rissole in a bun. Like poor people have every day.

So that’s what I got. It was disgusting. Never again. And it was a top-of-the-range bun. I now understand what poor people have to put up with all the time. I have instructed the cook: once a month, when he’s foraging for groceries, he’s to buy a spare tin of cat food and leave it in the Salvation Army bin at the supermarket. If the poor people don’t have a cat, I’m sure it would be a treat for them to eat it themselves.

Life is certainly more satisfying now that I’m doing my bit.

871. Saved by the Government

871saved

The Government Minister of Finance couldn’t stop grinning from ear to ear. Beaming is hardly the word. The smile was so broad you could see his gums.

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that bacon can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating bacon by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that ham can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating ham by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that all meat can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating meat by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

Scientists, on a Government grant, have discovered that food can possibly cause cancer.

“There’s only one thing for it,” said the Minister of Finance, “we have to discourage people from eating altogether by taxing it heavily.”

And tax it they did. And then…

The Government got re-elected because, in these hard times, they’ve done wonders with the economy.

840. Daily feast

840food

I don’t want to bore you, but I do want to tell you a little about what I’ve been eating. At least, it’s what I’ve been having for the main evening meal. It doesn’t include what I might eat at other times during the day.

On Monday it was ground shoulder of farm raised beef served over pearl barley and oven-roasted red potatoes. Served with a sauté of fresh pan-wilted spinach, fresh kidney beans, zucchini, green beans, roasted corn mash and a touch of garlic.

On Tuesday it was hormone-free baked chicken breast and ground New Zealand leg of lamb again with pearl barley, oven roasted Idaho russet potatoes, and fresh baked whole-wheat croutons. Served with a sauté of California carrots, broccoli, and yellow squash.

On Wednesday it was slow-roasted ground pork, farm raised hormone free turkey with long-grained rice. Served with sautéed cabbage, steamed butternut squash, California broccoli, and fine ground fresh grated carrots with fresh baked and toasted rye croutons with organic safflower oil.

You get my drift… The trouble is, it might look and sound nice enough, but it’s predictable as you can get. Every Monday is the same. Every Tuesday is the same. Every Wednesday is the same. Need I go on?

It sucks being a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in this household.

784. Alfie’s birthday bash

784bash

Alfie, professional bachelor, decided he would spend his forty-fifth birthday at a ski resort with some of his friends. There were five of them altogether. On the evening of his birthday, even though his friends said the Birthday Boy shouldn’t have to pay for dinner, Alfie insisted that it was his birthday and he wanted his friends to have a good time.

“Order what you want, and as much as you want,” said Alfie.

The meal was delightful. The food was glorious, and sitting there next to the huge window overlooking the ski field on the snow-covered mountains was unbelievably wondrous in evening light.

His friends didn’t spare the ordering. Alfie personally ordered:

– A vanilla pear-drop drink with poached pear in a vanilla syrup with lemon and vodka, accompanied with nibbles of salmon with dill cream cheese, nori, and garlic grass.
– Bouillabaisse, a fish stock containing different kinds of cooked fish and shellfish complemented with garlic, orange peel, basil, bay leaf, fennel and saffron.
– A prawn and papaya salad, with moqueca baiana, a fragrant fish stew consisting of monkfish, peppers, onions, tomatoes, coriander, coconut cream and the like.
– Chocolate pumpkin brûlée pie (two helpings!)

Delightful! Alfie was the only one in the group that still smoked, so he went outside onto the veranda for some fresh air and a quick puff or two. That was when the avalanche struck.

Seven thousand years later, a mountaineer discovered Alfie’s body buried in the ice. Scientists were thrilled with the quality of preservation. The body told them so much about the habits of people seven thousand years ago. The victim, of a possible avalanche, had just eaten:

– A vanilla, garlic, fennel and onion hors d’oeuvre roasted with a bay leaf and saffron.
– Peppers and prawns with orange peel, coconut cream, coriander, and chocolate.
– Monkfish (now extinct) with tomatoes, papaya, basil, pears, and pumpkin.
– Salmon and various fishes and shellfish with vodka, cream cheese, dill, nori, and lemons in a fish stock, served (again) with chocolate.

707. Rowena’s food fairs

707insects

When the Reverend Bevin Barbridge was appointed to his new Episcopal Church of Saint Cuthbald in the Woods, he found the building itself considerably dilapidated.

He needed to raise money for a new roof. Rowena was the one! She could organise events with a paper bag over her head. And she did! She organised a Village Fair with the theme of Why Not Eat Insects? People flocked from all over, especially the youth. Who wouldn’t be daring enough to try fried crickets or a locust fritter? Barbequed grubs! Worms boiled in wild bee honey! Fried moths with ginger! What a marvellous success the fair was! What a marvellous money maker!

The following year the Reverend Bevin Barbridge needed to call on Rowena’s expertise again. The church building needed painting. This year the theme was Offal can be Offally Good. There were sweetmeats (which Rowena pointed out were calf pancreases), there were hearts, and brains, and livers, and kidneys, and oxtails, and hoof jellies, and mountain oysters, and sheep’s eyes, and… you name it, it was there.

No one came.