Tag Archives: food

1341. Waiter!

Waiter! Take this steak away. You know I always have it rare and this is overcooked. You might as well have served up a piece of charcoal.

Waiter! I like my carrots a little crisp. Take them away and bring some vegetables properly cooked, not something that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it.

Waiter! Were these eggs cooked yesterday? They’re as cold and hard as a rock. Take them away and bring me eggs done the way I like them.

Waiter! You expecting a tip? The service here is appalling. You won’t be getting a dime from me.

So why do you always eat here?

Because this is the only restaurant in town that does things the way I like it.

1294. Offensive food

Marcella was a pretty good cook. She planned her occasions meticulously. Not that she invited guests every day; occasions are for celebrating occasionally!

On this particular occasion, apart from her husband of course, she invited three couples; old friends in the main, although one of the couples was new to Marcella’s street. For dessert, Marcella planned to have a traditional rhubarb pie. Not the sweet-sour syrupy rhubarb pie drowning in sugar and hidden in layers of pastry, but the traditional French rhubarb pie, ever so slightly tart, that took several days to make.

But first, Marcella went online to confirm a recipe she already knew. And there it was:

WARNING: NEVER SERVE RHUBARB TO GUESTS. SOME PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE IT, AND IT COULD BE REGARDED AS OFFENSIVE. CLICK HERE FOR OTHER OFFENSIVE FOODS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE SERVED.

Marcella surveyed the list. There was very little left to eat. Even green beans were on it. And endives, and cabbage, and mayonnaise, and onions, and… Marcella made her main meal as bland as possible to cater for all palates; and instead of traditional rhubarb pie her guests had insipid fruit salad and ice cream. Marcella hoped it would be as tasteless as possible, so as not to offend.

1191. Three sons

Bridgette was tired. She held down two jobs. After all, as well as herself, she had three mouths to feed. There was Tom, her eldest, with Les in the middle, and Archie at the bottom. Three boys! And she provided for them on her own.

School was an expensive time, what with books, and camps, and computers, and this and that. All three sons with just a year between each. She should have spaced them out better!

Of course, they ate Bridgette out of house and home. Boys have such gigantic appetites. She was forever having to refill the fridge.

Now, at last, they’d all finished school. All three had part-times jobs, but spent most of their time at home on their computers and phones.

Could they not perhaps, suggested Bridgette, make a small monetary contribution to the running of the house? Now that they have part-time jobs?

But we live here. This is our home, they said. Why should we pay board?

Frustrated, Bridgette went out to mow the lawn.

1112. Stone Age mealtime conversation

Adzehead: My word, Wildhoneysuckle, this boiled food is absolutely delicious.

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s beaver tail boiled in fresh spring water with a touch of cress and a pinch of salt.

Adzehead: And this dish here… scrumptious. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s mammoth heart stuffed with seasonal juniper berries, and slow roasted in an iron pan, which is the latest technology.

Adzehead: And this here is the best of all. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: You should know! We have it regularly.

Adzehead: Yes of course. I don’t know how those Neanderthals eat such crappy food yet taste so good.

1105. At a pinch

Claudine McPherson came up with a plan. Now that her two children had started secondary school she had got herself a “proper” job. There simply wasn’t time to cook.

“There’s little time to cook every day,” said Claudine, “so we’re going to take turns: me, Dad, Sonia, and Benny.”

When it came to Benny’s turn to cook, he followed the recipe assiduously. It was ground meat, and mashed potatoes, and green beans. The recipe for the meat said “Add a pinch of cayenne pepper.”

“My word!” exclaimed Claudine. “That pinch of cayenne pepper does wonders!”

The next time Benny cooked he added a tablespoon of cayenne pepper to make it extra nice.