Category Archives: Fiction

1118. Noreen’s brainwave

Noreen was always thinking up new ideas, and this time she had come up with something brilliant. She had a man install floor to ceiling one-way glass in her toilet.

Noreen could sit there, comfortably enthroned, and survey the world. She could see out, and no one could see in. What a dazzling idea!

Outside the window was a busy road. It was always interesting to watch the traffic and pedestrians go by. She imagined all sorts of destinations and conversations. Beyond the road was an expansive valley, and beyond that loomed imposing mountains. Things were always different; ever changing. The weather made the scene a chameleon, forever mutating colours. The temptation was to sit there for too long. But goodness me!

Of course at night, with the toilet light on, and it being dark outside, Noreen couldn’t see a thing. But at night, people seemed so much friendlier; every second car seemed to give a friendly toot. And pedestrians passing by were always full of laughter.

1117. Flat Earth Society

Douglas Biddle was the president of the local Flat Earth Society. The Society had three members, counting Douglas himself. The purpose of the Society’s existence had nothing to do with believing the earth was flat. It was part of a plan to make money.

Every week the three would write an article supporting the tenet that the earth was flat. They would place it in people’s letter boxes. People laughed at them. Then there appeared a public ridiculing of Douglas Biddle in the local paper. Douglas Biddle sued the paper for every cent they had.

“I believe,” said Douglas Biddle to the two other members attending the final meeting of the Flat Earth Society, “I believe the Flat Earth Society has enough money to go ROUND.”

1116. Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping her way merrily through the forest, holding a basket of food that she was taking to her grandmother.

Suddenly a wolf appeared from nowhere.

“What big teeth you have,” said the wolf.

“There’s no need to get personal,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“What big feet you have,” said the wolf.

“Now you’re getting silly,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Let me look in the basket to see what you are taking to your grandmother,” said the wolf.

“Go away,” said Little Red Riding Hood. “I hate it when little boys dress up and follow me around like a bad smell.”

So the Big Bad Wolf scampered off. He would try to find Anita Alder. She was a scaredy-pants. She always screamed when he gave her a fright.

1115. Every dog has its day

God decided to call a meeting in Heaven for a semi-important announcement. God wanted to look averagely authoritative, so suggested having a pair of dogs to guard the steps on either side leading up to the throne. It would be like the stone Babylonian lions guarding the temple gates, although not so frightfully imposing.

St Michael the Archangel suggested using Afghan Hounds. They’re so majestic, what with their fine features and long hair.

Archangel Raphael suggested Bernese Mountain Dogs. They’re so big and imposing. They would lend authority and friendliness.

Archangel Gabriel had another idea. Why not a couple of Airedale Terriers? They have a wonderful playful streak that would delight everyone.

But God had other plans. The meeting was held. It turned out to be not that important. The assembly dispersed. But everyone was over the moon with excitement. Each one said the same thing: Did you notice that God chose MY dog to guard the steps to the throne?

1114. The short way home

Rachel decided to drive her mother to visit her mother’s widowed brother-in-law. It was a three hour drive. They hadn’t seen each other for several years.

Uncle Herbert had prepared lunch for his sister-in-law, Maureen, and his niece Rachel. They had a lovely time chatting away and catching up. Then it was time to drive home. Uncle Herbert said, “Goodness me, that’s not the quick way home. Turn off down the road at Harrisville and you’ll cut a good half hour off the journey. After turning, just follow the road.”

So Rachel and her mother turned off at Harrisville.

“I never realised where this shortcut was, but I’ve always heard people talk about it,” said Maureen.

On they drove. Four hours later Rachel declared “We seem at last to be getting somewhere”. And they were! One last turn in the road, and lo!

Somehow they were back in Harrisville…

1113. News from Hickton-in-Sticks

It’s been a month now, perhaps six weeks, since the town of Hickton-in-Sticks got broadband. Mrs Myrtle Beech said it was a great disappointment. She had waited months, even years, to start a blog and thus far nothing had gone viral.

“Nothing has gone viral,” said Myrtle. “The whole thing’s a scam.”

Mr Bristol Port agreed.

“I’d looked forward to broadband excitedly,” said Bristol. “But once you’ve seen one porn site you’ve seen the lot. In fact I get a great deal more satisfaction looking into the mirror. It’s blown way out of proportion.”

Ms Savannah Field thought the whole thing was marvellous. She was the town’s school teacher and the online computer games at least got the kids off their phones.

“It’s great for me as a teacher,” said Savannah. “The kids log on first thing in the morning and by the end of the day they’re reluctant to go home. Computer games are certainly a great boon for a teacher, and getting broadband in Hickton-in-Sticks has improved the quality of education the kids are getting.”

“It’s a scam,” said Myrtle.

“It’s blown out of proportion,” said Bristol.

“Put it this way,” said Savannah. “Things have changed for the better since we’ve got broadband. In the last month only five people from Hickton-in-Sticks have committed suicide.”

1112. Stone Age mealtime conversation

Adzehead: My word, Wildhoneysuckle, this boiled food is absolutely delicious.

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s beaver tail boiled in fresh spring water with a touch of cress and a pinch of salt.

Adzehead: And this dish here… scrumptious. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: It’s mammoth heart stuffed with seasonal juniper berries, and slow roasted in an iron pan, which is the latest technology.

Adzehead: And this here is the best of all. What is it?

Wildhoneysuckle: You should know! We have it regularly.

Adzehead: Yes of course. I don’t know how those Neanderthals eat such crappy food yet taste so good.