Tag Archives: story

1158. Roll Over Shakespeare

I don’t often deviate into a true story, but so many have expressed a kindly interest in my house-hunting that I thought the “story” of getting a successful outcome would be an acceptable off-track thing to do.

We now have a house to go to, but what a saga getting there! It was our third trip away to look at houses, although we’d been looking online for over a year.

Here’s the view as we scamper along the road to the region of New Zealand called Taranaki. See the volcano?

We had decided we weren’t going to move until we found as near a “perfect” rental place as possible. Over the years we have been “forced” to hurriedly move because of work, or the owners sold or wanted the place themselves, and so on. It was time to find a place to rent that suited us! A list of must-haves and nice-to-haves was made, e.g. water pressure (not a dribble), three large bedrooms, room for a sizable vegie garden, a log-burner, two car spaces, and so on.

Several weeks ago we found a semi-suitable place online. It was in the shadow of Mt Egmont, one of New Zealand’s many volcanos.

Last Monday the rental agency phoned to say we had missed out in renting it, but another place had come up for rent. Were we interested? We said we were, and could travel the six-hours there and back to see it next weekend. On Saturday/Sunday we made the journey. It’s near the same volcano! It has three bedrooms, a wood-burner, three garages… It was at 422 Ryelish Road, way-way in the country! The appointment with the rental agency lady was at 11am. We waited at the gate. At 11.15am we still waited at the gate. At 11.30am we still waited at the gate. The rental agency lady didn’t turn up. We sent her a text. No reply.

Blow it! said I. We haven’t travelled all this way not to see it. We shall knock on their door and ask. So we did that, but no one was home. The house was unlocked. We went through the garages. We went through the house. I took photographs of everything. There was even a cat on the bed!! They had recently mowed the lawn in preparation for our inspection!

The place was excellent!

As we returned to our vehicle the phone went. It was the rental agency lady. Where were we? She had waited for an hour. We’re at 422 Ryeish Road.

It’s 422 Ryeley Road, she said.

Oh!

Oh!

It was in fact the next road over. We went there. If the wrong place had been excellent, this next right place was perfection! It couldn’t have been better (although there’s a tree blocking the view of the volcano so I won’t be able to photograph it for you when it explodes).

We shall be moving there in three weeks or so. Time to pack! Thank goodness I’m several months ahead with the daily stories! The nearest town is called Stratford. Roll over Shakespeare!

And that is the story of walking uninvited through some strangers’ house and photographing everything. I might add, they hadn’t made their beds.

1152. Romance reader

Jonathan was nineteen years old and loved to read popular romances. He particularly liked the swashbuckling heroes who rescued the damsels in distress. Then they would fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. Why settle for dark, morose characters when a rumbustious champion could conquer the world? Of course, he never told his friends that he read romances.

It wasn’t silly for Jonathan to think he could be like that. There must surely be some bravery in the world, and some zealous ardour to go with it. All he need do was find the right girl and the right situation.

Anyway, he went to the First World War and got shot.

1132. A white rose

When Noel’s wife, Noeline, died, Noel had Noeline cremated. He took the ashes, buried them in the garden, and planted a beautiful white rose on top.

Each year the rose flowered magnificently. Noel always picked a stem, put it in a vase, and placed it next to Noeline’s photograph on the drinks cabinet in the sitting room.

Then Noel lost his job. The factory where he worked closed. Such are the times.

Noel was offered another job, but it was in another town altogether. He turned it down. How could he leave his rose?

1126. The editing button

Talia had a blog. Who doesn’t? She put all her thoughts into the one basket. All her friends from school gave her lots of likes. In fact, Talia was Ms Popularity. Boys gave likes on her blog even if it was a girly subject like makeup.

And then Henrica stole Talia’s boyfriend.

Talia’s boyfriend was Judd. Talia called him “Judd the Stud”, and now Henrica, who had buck teeth, had pinched him.

Talia hatched a plot from her basket of thoughts. She posted the most beautiful blog. It was about summer flowers and gentle breezes, stormy skies and kitten’s sneezes. It almost went viral. Three hundred and seventy-two likes in one day! In one day!

Pressing the editing button, Talia deleted all she had written and replaced it with “Henrica Sorenson is a total bitch”. The “Likes” remained. Three hundred and seventy-two likes in one day! All agreeing that Henrica was a worthless wench!

Henrica overdosed on her father’s blood-pressure pills. Now Talia can get Judd back.

1071. An important meeting

Malcolm was very capable but must have been the most tedious bore in the factory. He was in charge of the knitting and weaving. If you asked Malcolm a question he would drone on and on. And on.

Claus, the boss, asked Emile if he would discuss with Malcolm the timing of some knitting procedure.

“And get a three hour lecture on how to make a clock?” said Emile.

“I’ll tell you what,” said Claus, “we’ll both go together and tell him we have an important meeting to attend in quarter of an hour.”

So they did that, and they were only one hour twenty minutes late for their fictional meeting. However, they both now know how to make a clock.

1064. To change a lightbulb

Barney was just about to leave home for work when a lightbulb went pop. It was on his front porch, and since he would get home in the dark (it was winter) he grabbed a bulb from the cupboard and changed it.

He arrived at work (he was a school librarian). Upon arrival, just as he switched on his office light, the lightbulb went pop. What a lightbulb-popping day!

Barney went to see Dave, the school caretaker. Dave said that Barney would have to fill out an order form. The order form book was in the school office, but Sharon the secretary hadn’t arrived yet.

Thirty minutes later, when Sharon arrived, Barney filled out the order form. Sharon said it required the school principal’s signature but she was in a meeting at present. “Just leave it with me,” said Sharon helpfully, “and I’ll get her to sign it once the meeting’s finished.”

Two hours later, and still in a dark office, Sharon phoned to announce to Barney the conclusion of the principal’s meeting. All was signed!

Barney took the order form to Dave, and Dave said he was out of lightbulbs but would order some in. Dave went to see Sharon in the office to get an order form, but she was out to lunch. After lunch, Dave got a signed order form for a box of lightbulbs. Was anyone going into town so they could be picked up immediately, or should they be couriered out?

Robyn, the Head of English, said she wanted to go into town and she could pick them up. But was she going to get a travel allowance because she was using her own car and chewing up her own gas? Sharon said that if Robyn filled out the appropriate form and included an estimation of the distance then a travel allowance could be considered.

The next day the light bulbs still hadn’t arrived because the school Finance Committee met only on Thursdays and they had to approve all teachers’ travel allowances. Barney said he’d go into town on his own pocket and pick up the box of lightbulbs, but he was informed that it was school policy not to allow staff to pay for things themselves.

A week later, Barney was still in the dark and hadn’t done any work, but progress had been made. He had stealthily transported a lightbulb in his briefcase right into his office. He needed a ladder, so he went to see Dave. Dave wasn’t there, so Barney simply took the ladder from the shed.

Would you believe? Just as Barney was up four steps of the ladder, Amanda entered Barney’s office. Amanda was the school union representative. Indeed, she said, it’s alright to change your own lightbulb, but it is against health and safety regulations to be more than two steps up a ladder. You could fall down and do an injury. The school would then have to fork out untold money in compensation. And anyway, what was he doing with one of those lightbulbs that were no longer regarded as ecologically friendly?

Listen, dear reader! Something wonderful has happened! It’s been seven months now without the lightbulb, but the principal has promised it will be done by next Wednesday. Provided of course that…