Category Archives: Yarns

1270. A lonesome birthday

Devon lived alone. It was the depth of winter, and it happened to be his birthday.

Devon had meticulously planned his solo celebration. He made a steak and kidney pie (his favourite but he reserved it for special occasions) and a lemon and honey cheesecake (his favourite but he reserved it for special occasions). To go with it, he had purchased a big can of Trappist Lager (his favourite but he reserved it for special occasions).

The log fire was blazing. Devon laid his pyjamas, slippers, and dressing gown near the fire so they would be warm and cosy when he got out of the shower.

In the shower he sang “Happy Birthday to Me” at the top of his voice, dried himself and walked naked (who cares when one lives alone?) to the fireplace.


1269. Don’t bother waking me

Noel had been a widower for three years. He lived alone.

His life-time friends, Nancy and Bert, said, “Why don’t you come up to our summer house in the woods for a few days?” So Noel did that. This was his third year going for a short time.

On the first evening they had a few drinks and chatted and reminisced. And then it was time for bed.

“Don’t bother waking me in the morning,” said Noel.

And indeed, they could not have if they tried.

1268. How right she was

Maxine was right-handed, but for some inexplicable reason, when eating an ice cream in a cone, she always held it in her left hand. An ice cream was the only thing she used her left hand for and she had no idea why.

Suddenly! One day! Out of the blue! While eating an ice cream in the park! Maxine was approached by a man with a microphone. The local television station was doing some sort of promotion and the man had been sent to grab the first left-handed person he saw, give them five hundred dollars, and ask them to be part of a left-handers’ television competition.

Five hundred dollars! Maxine couldn’t resist!

The first thing she had to do – there were two other left-handed competitors – was to have a game of darts. Maxine had never played darts in her life. She threw the darts at the board indiscriminately with her left hand. She won! The other two were useless!

The next thing they had to do was to thread a needle. Maxine couldn’t see the needle eye, let alone use her wrong hand to poke the cotton through. But! She did it! She won! She won!

The other two contestants broke down in tears. They admitted ashamedly that they were really right-handers in for the money. Maxine was horrified. How dare they! How dare they! Deceit, she declared to the television camera, is rampant in the world today.

How right she was – in more ways than one.

1267. Sleeping Beauty

So, Sleeping Beauty had a bit of apple stuck in her throat and she had fallen asleep and everything had grown rampant over her castle and ninety years later a macho handsome prince came along with a machete and knocked back the vegetation then kissed the princess who woke up. It was ninety years later silly.

She was all wrinkled and looked like death warmed up.

1266. My greatest achievement (thus far)

It is possibly my greatest achievement; certainly the thing I have done in life that makes me most proud. And yet, it was such a simple thing; a nothing really. It does one good to do something decent once in a while.

It was just a holiday job, working in the library at a university in Dublin where I was studying for a degree in mechanical engineering. My main task was to shelve the returned books. I suspect they hired me because I’d be more than useful fixing the squeaky wheels on the book trolleys! I was desperate to get the job because of this good catholic girl who worked in the library part-time.

Anyway, we were a bit behind in the re-shelving so we stayed longer after closing time, and me and Cassandra were just having our third coffee when this thief appeared. Students steal books like they’re going out of fashion. He had a stolen book under his arm, and I was lucky enough to be able to wrench the book from him and smash him over the head with it. The book was wrecked (it fell into a hundred pieces) but I stopped the thief and saved the day. Anyway, what’s one book in a library of tens of thousands? I was amazed how the book fell apart; disintegrated. Publishing standards these days have certainly slipped. The Book of Kells or something.

1265. International stardom

I was asked to perform at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, but I said “No!” Nerves.

I was asked to perform at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, but I said “No!” Nerves.

I was asked to perform at Sadler’s Wells in London, but I said “No!” Nerves.

I was asked to perform at the Opera House in Sydney, but I said “No!” Nerves.

Anyway, I’ll be singing in the shower down at the Shelter for the Homeless on the 15th, if anyone’s interested.

1264. We are not a-meow-ed

I am simply astounded by what is written on this bottle’s label. Astounded!

This rich Merlot offers elegant aromas of blueberry and plum with soft hints of raspberry. Enjoy with a simple chicken or pork casserole and roast dishes.

That’s disgusting! What on earth’s wrong with having just meat without all that fruit? I shall write to the paper about it. We are not a-meow-ed.

Yours sincerely,
Pussy Cat