2744. Under the table

Morag knew something was wrong when she discovered her grandmother’s body under the dining table. It was as if grandmother had been hiding there. A large tablecloth draped down over the sides of the table hiding anything underneath. That is why it took a while to discover where grandmother was. Possibly she had crawled there to escape some sort of danger. There she had a fatal heart attack – through fear – or something like that; although her head seemed quite bruised..

Morag had spent half an hour wandering the house calling for her grandmother. She never gave a thought that she would be under the table. She looked in all the rooms, including the kitchen pantry. She looked (and called) in every outside building, including the little woodshed. No grandmother was to be found. Morag often called in to see her grandmother. “You are my favourite grandchild and when I go you get the weaving machine that was my own mother’s.” Of course, given the current circumstance, a weaving machine was the last thing on Morag’s mind.

Morag didn’t want to call the police immediately. It had only been thirty minutes or so. Grandmother could have wandered over to chat with a neighbour, or popped down to the corner shop. That was why Morag didn’t call the police immediately. She filled in a further hour by vacuuming the living room and bedrooms. It was while vacuuming the dining space that she discovered her grandmother’s corpse under the table.

The hour or so had given Morag time to compose herself enough to return the frozen leg of lamb to the freezer.

2743. Shooting lesson

You can say what you like; it was an accident. Bryce had been showing his girlfriend Anthea how to load and use a gun in an emergency if the worst came to the worst. She had aimed the gun at a coke can sitting on a tree stump. The coke can shot into the air. It was a perfect hit.

Any excuse is good for a hug. Bryce flung his arms around Anthea and said “You’re a genius”. The whack as he pulled her into the hug jolted Anthea’s finger on the trigger and she shot Bryce in the back. He wasn’t dead. Anthea raced into the house and dialled the emergency number.

Bryce was dead by the time the ambulance (and the police) arrived. It was a dreadful tragedy; a terrible accident. And it had all happened so fast.

As the years went by Anthea learned to forgive herself. She still felt a little bad about what had happened but the distance of time was definitely a healing factor. Mind you, if any boyfriend in the future lied and double-crossed her like Bryce, she would do the same again.

2742. Damsel in distress

It was in the days of medieval Europe. Harold watched as Genevieve walked across the drawbridge over the castle’s moat. She entered through the giant doorway arch. The solid door slammed after her. Harold thought that could be the last he would see of Genevieve.

Bluebeard, who owned the castle, had demanded the hand of Genevieve in marriage, even though she was already engaged to Harold. Harold had no option but to relinquish the love of his life. But of course, there’s nothing particularly surprising at this time in history for a knight in shining armour to appear and save the damsel in distress.

In the dead of night Harold scaled the castle wall and entered the private section of the castle where Bluebeard slept. Harold had his trusty sword. He plunged it at Bluebeard asleep on his bed. Harold said:

Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more

Genevieve was so taken with Harold’s magnificent lyricism that she fell in love with him all over again. As they escaped down the castle wall on ropes (they couldn’t work out how to operate the drawbridge) Genevieve slipped and broke her neck.

2741. The birthday party

For Emmeline’s seventh birthday her mother said she could invite up to twelve little girls from school to her birthday party. All twelve excitedly accepted the invitation and all of their mothers (and one father) wrote a thankyou note:

Alexandria: Our religion forbids the watching of any video or television, so I do hope entertainment for the party is not centred around such a sinful monstrosity.

Primrose: Our daughter is allergic to milk products so the serving of such things is out of the question.

Pandora: My daughter drinks only potable water. I know you live in the country and are dependent on rain water, but please provide purified water in a bottle if water use is intended.

Cosima: Our little girl – as is the whole family – are vegan. Please bear that in mind when planning the menu.

Lavender: She is not fond of spicy food. We don’t want you to think it’s rude of her if she refuses to touch spicy food.

Gertrude: It’s the smell of cooking chicken that makes Gertrude feel ill. If you intend to provide chicken pieces please do not cook them in the house when Gertrude is there.

Genevieve: She is allergic to peanuts. In fact anything that has been within smelling distance of a peanut we have taught her to avoid.

Calliope: Calliope doesn’t like blueberries. So if you mean to have fruit salad would it be too much to ask that you make a separate dish for her without blueberries?

Tatiana: She only likes walnut and cookies ice cream. Thought I’d better warn you.

Apollonia: We always have pizza every Friday evening. Apollonia does love her pizza! So I know this party is on a Friday. Just a suggestion…

Evangeline: Evangeline eats only healthy food. It’s something we encourage her to do. In fact we insist she eat only healthy food. If you see how skinny she is you’ll see why we are so worried about what she eats.

Priscilla: We like to think of ourselves as modern parents. So if you intend to play games involving dolls and stuffed animals – even pin the tail on the donkey – we hope such things are anatomically accurate. Have a nice party!

Music 548: Ragtag 1

There’s no story today! I used to post lots of music but haven’t posted any here since 6th December 2022. That doesn’t mean to say I haven’t been composing (decomposing). In fact this year I’ve written about 33 pieces (mainly for piano).

So to break the cycle of not-posting music, here is a recent piece of music. It is called Ragtag 1, and is almost ragtime!

Ragtag 1

If you wish to hear other compositions of this year (plus links to other years) go to:

Music Compositions 2023

Thanks! See you tomorrow with another story!

2740. Presidential portrait

I hope people realize that the pictures that grace these stories are not actually photographs. It is easy to understand that people might think that to be the case.

Only the other day the White House in America asked if they could purchase some of my photographs. I responded by saying they weren’t photographs. Isn’t it amazing that artificial intelligence can make people believe a lie to be true?

President Biden thought that my photographs would go well on a wall with some expensive paintings he had purchased in the past year or so. I said I was sorry to disappoint. No, they are paintings. He might be an Art Hunter but he’s got a lot to learn.

So there you have it. I hope I haven’t ruined anyone’s day. Sometimes it’s best to leave some people in ignorance. I have slightly relented, for today’s portrait is one of those official portraits of US Presidents that are on display somewhere. Of course I’m not prepared to say which president. Officialdom can download a copy and use it if they wish.

2739. Tobogganing

Kevin had always wanted a toboggan, and he got one for his birthday.

“Who’s a lucky boy?” exclaimed Aunt Thora. She was always one for the original phrase. Kevin sighed. He’d heard Aunt Thora say “Who’s a lucky boy?” a thousand times.

“There’s no snow,” said Philomena. “Why would you want a toboggan?” Kevin explained that he could use it on a grassy slope. Going downhill on grass is not as slippery as snow but it’s still fun.

“To each their own,” said Aunt Thora. “I wouldn’t be found dead on that thing. Not even if you paid me.”

“You’re ninety-four,” said Kevin. “You’d probably break your neck.” It was a very imprudent thing to say to Aunt Thora. Kevin should have known not to rile Aunt Thora.

“You can say what you like,” declared Aunt Thora. “Personally I think it childish that you should want a toboggan when you’re in your sixties.”

2738. Ask not for whom the bell tolls

The bells of the church in our village began to ring. It wasn’t a Sunday. It wasn’t a call to the Divine Service. I knew it had to be something. Of course! Of course! Had the leader of the country died? Was there a funeral? A marriage? A christening? In our small village everyone knew everything that was going on. No one knew why the church bells were ringing.

It wasn’t a short ringing. It went on and on. Villagers began gathering outside the locked church. There was quite a cluster! What’s going on? What’s going on? No one knew. Perhaps the vicar would know but he was nowhere to be found.

After a good twenty minutes the bells stopped ringing. The crowd dispersed. I would estimate that villagers had arrived home no longer than five minutes when the bells began to ring again. The crowd reassembled but in greater numbers.

After twenty minutes or so, the bells stopped again. No one left this time. They waited. They had learnt their lesson last time. The ringing would start again. Shortly. Still they waited. And waited. The bells never resumed. In the end, in dribs and drabs, the villagers wandered home.

2737. The fishing trip

The thing was I didn’t know anything about driving a boat. A fisherman friend had invited me one Sunday to go fishing out at sea and I said I would enjoy that. We went what I thought was “way out to sea” but he said it wasn’t far from shore at all. But it was far enough for me to have to pretend that I wasn’t scared.

I didn’t catch anything – to be honest I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. My friend caught a snapper. One fish is enough for two people’s dinner, but no, we had to try for more. I just wanted to get out of this “petrified at the huge expanse of sea” scenario and go home.

Suddenly a great big tentacle came over the side of the boat. There was sort of something like suction pads on it. The tentacle coiled itself around my friend’s leg and dragged him over the side into the water. He disappeared. I presume he drowned or was eaten by the octopus or whatever it was.

I was terrified out of my skin. Was the tentacle going to come for me? I didn’t have a clue how to start the boat engine or how to drive it. In the end I figured it was like driving a car. I turned the ignition on, somehow put the thing into gear, and pointed the boat towards the shore. Things got a bit rough with the occasional wave but I kept going. When that tentacle came up over the side again I threw the snapper into the water and that seem to distract it from pursuing me as prey.

Eventually I made it to shore, although I didn’t know how to park it properly. There were a few people on the pier, and when I called out they were able to help.

The first thing I did was inform the police. I told them exactly what I’ve just told you now. I was extremely shaken and credible. But I couldn’t help but think that my “friend” won’t be doing a line with my girlfriend anymore.

2736. The curse

A rumour had circulated for years. Centuries ago a rich king had died and was buried in a secret cave on an isolated island. Apparently he was buried with thousands and thousands of gold coins.

There was a scary addendum to the story; anyone who tried to find the secret cave would be cursed.

I lie in a cave with gravel and stones.
A curse on the one who seeks my bones.

Kenneth and Graeme were fourteen years old. They didn’t believe in curses, but they did believe the story of the gold coins. They got in a boat and rowed to the island.

After several hours searching they began the trip home. Their boat sank. They drowned. We will never know if they found anything.