3006. Elections have consequences

Kieran thought he’d run for parliament in the up-coming elections. His wife thought it a great idea and encouraged him no end. Perhaps she was thinking more of the busy life a politician has and she would get more space in her domestic life.

His friends too thought it great as did any relative he mentioned it to who lived in the electorate. “You’re perfect for Hillsborough electorate,” declared Aunt Bergman. “You’re just what Hillsborough needs. I’m certainly voting for you.

In fact so many people promised to vote for him that Kieran sometimes thought he might even stand a chance at winning. Of course he belonged to a minor political party and it was his first time campaigning, so to be realistic his chances were slim.

The results are in! Kieran got no votes. Not a single one. He subsequently has no friends and has filed for divorce. Elections have consequences.

2857. Let’s get things done

Duncan had been the youngest Member of Parliament ever elected in his country’s history. What an up-and-coming young man! Such promise! He would bring a new perspective to politics from the point of view of youth. A term between votes was four years. Duncan had just completed his fifteenth term. He was set to break all records and run for his sixteenth.

What an up-and-coming old man! Such promise! He would bring a new perspective to politics from the point-of-view of the elderly. Parliament had become divisive and incompetent. He had the experience to be the adult in the room. He would mend fences. He would heal the broken-hearted. He would inaugurate interplanetary travel. He would cure Alzheimer’s. He would ban all white people from drinking at community water fountains. He would cure Alzheimer’s and cure Alzheimer’s by curing Alzheimer’s, and inaugurate interplanetary travel and mend fences.

He won in a landslide! Now we can start to get things done!

2409. Chemistry opportunities

Angelina was a solo mother. From the day Sylvain was born Angelina prayed that he would excel at his studies. She herself had not been given much of an academic opportunity, and it was important to her that Sylvain should do as best as he could.

When early on at school he showed promise at Chemistry, Angelina bought him a little Chemistry set, and some books on Chemistry. She prayed every day even harder; Lord, may Sylvain become a clever scientist.

Her prayers came true. When he grew up, Sylvain used his extensive knowledge and skills to blow up Parliament.

1610. Would you like a chip?

(Today’s story is a true incident that happened to a school friend 53 years ago).

Tony was waiting for a bus just outside the gates of Parliament. (This is long before the days when life was complicated). He’d been to town, from boarding school, to see the dentist. As all teenage boys find, he was hungry and so he had bought some fish and chips. For those not in the know, fish and chips are French fries and a piece of fish fried in batter. All is wrapped in newspaper. (This is long before the days when printer’s ink rubbed off).

There was only one other person sitting in the bus stop waiting. He was an old man, and Tony felt a bit sorry for him.

“Would you like a chip?” asked Tony, offering the goodies wrapped in newspaper. The old man accepted gratefully.

“Do you work?” asked Tony.

“Occasionally,” said the old man. “I work over there.” He pointed to Parliament buildings. “But I’m not on the permanent staff. I’m only a temporary worker.”

Tony offered him another chip.

The next morning’s newspaper reported that the Prime Minister reckoned he would’ve preferred a piece of fish.

1338. Fat lady in turnstile

Amanda was so fat that she got stuck in one of those entrance thingies one walks through to get into the supermarket. No one else could get into the shop because she was blocking the entrance.

Amanda began to scream, “I’m stuck! I’m stuck! Get me out of here!” No one took any notice. They had all gone to shop at the other supermarket in town where Amanda wasn’t blocking the entrance thingy.

In the end, the manager of the supermarket where Amanda was stuck got sick of no one shopping in his shop, so wrote a letter of complaint to his local Member of Parliament asking why the government hadn’t done something about it. The local Member of Parliament formed a committee. They came to observe Amanda stuck in the entrance thingy. Once again Amanda cried out, “I’m stuck! I’m stuck! Get me out of here!”

The committee decided not to act on the vociferous protest of a lone strident activist. “We can’t act on the recommendation of everyone who screams blue murder,” they said.

And that’s why Amanda is still there. Presumably.

811. Granny’s nannies

Old Granny Brown figured a way to make a little money. She had always loved her goats. She had three nanny goats. She used them for milk and would make cheese.

Now that her husband had passed away, she could ill-afford to keep them; until she came up with her wonderful idea: she would sell the milk! She placed a sign at her gate: FRESH GOAT’S MILK! The milk was very popular, so much so, that Granny Brown wondered if she shouldn’t get another goat. She decided against it. Selling goat’s milk at the gate was so she could keep the three goats she already had and loved. There was no need to be greedy.

In the meantime, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, introduced a bill into Parliament. We really must stop this unhealthy sale of goat’s milk on the road side. The milk has not been treated. Goodness knows what diseases are been passed on to the general population. The selling of goat’s milk at gates became illegal.

Granny Brown had to stop her sales. She could no longer afford to keep her beloved goats. In the new year, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, was given the country’s highest award. He was now a Member of the Imperial Empire’s Brigade (MIEB) for services to the health of the nation. He had served the nation with his altruistic actions.

Not long after, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, announced his retirement from politics. He owned a large goat farm and cheese-making factory, he said, and wished to put all his energies into developing that.

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