Tag Archives: school

2072. Strum strum

Ronald was a school teacher. He taught little kids (I won’t give the Year because it differs from country to country). He occasionally played the guitar while the kids sang Michael Row Your Boat Ashore and stuff like that. The kids were small enough to pretend to row boats in the classroom and jump up and down like waves and dive about like dolphins.

Ronald liked to play the guitar to relax. When he came home from a long day at school he would sit at the back of his garden and strum away. He wasn’t God’s gift to the musical world, but he was good enough.

The school lacked a music teacher and no other teacher was particularly musically inclined. Could perhaps Ronald spend time going from classroom to classroom to teach the music element of the curriculum? He did that, at first enthusiastically, and then it became a little humdrum like any other job. He also volunteered to be the musical director of the annual production and he took the choir through its paces.

When he went home after a busy day at school, Ronald never went to the back of his garden to play the guitar. The guitar was a job. He had lost all interest in playing it.

2063. Helping Mummy

Good morning kiddies. Welcome to today’s long-distance learning lesson. We are going to learn how to help Mummy in the kitchen, so later when Mummy gets out of bed, she will get a big shock.

If you are too small to reach the kitchen sink then perhaps you could get a chair from the dining table and stand on it at the sink.

Fill the sink with water. I hope you know how to stop the water from running out of the sink. Excellent!

 Now we are going to learn to wash the toaster. Toasters are full of crumbs and are yucky. Put the toaster in the water. Give it a good scrub with the brush. Don’t forget to put some detergent in the water. When it’s as clean as you can get it there will still be some dirty marks on the toaster but don’t worry about them.

Next children we must learn to dry the toaster. Find an electric outlet, it doesn’t have to be in the kitchen, and plug it in. Don’t forget to switch it on.

1951. Daylight saving

Delores hated having to change all the clocks in the house just because the government had decided to tamper with the time. Summer time, daylight-saving – call it what you will… Surely most adults were old enough to decide for themselves if they wanted to do things earlier or later. Meddling with the time was a scheme invented by lazy politicians who liked to sleep-in in the mornings.

The change always came on a Sunday. Sunday was a day for relaxing and Delores, with the change of time, managed to feel tired all day. Monday tomorrow would be different. By then the body had almost got used to eating at the wrong time.

The first thing to do on Monday was to get the kids ready for school. They were grouchy because everything was earlier. Hurry, children! Hurry! At last, they were installed in the car and on their way.

They arrived near the school. This change of time was so confusing. For some reason she was an hour too early. They waited in the car. Children will argue! At last they could be released. It was then that Delores realized she hadn’t changed the clock in the car.

1710. God is watching

(The plot of this story is not my own. I don’t know if it’s an old story or an already well-known story, but I’d never heard it before and I enjoyed it! Hence, here it is!)

It was lunchtime at the school run by the nuns. Sister Mary supervised. She placed a sign at one end of the table on top of a big basket of apples. It read: TAKE ONLY ONE APPLE. GOD IS WATCHING.

At the other end of the table was a large bowl of chocolate chip cookies. Some kid had put a sign on it: TAKE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE. GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES.

1696. Bumping into people

Gary was the biggest bully this side of the Berlin Wall. Or he would have been if the Berlin Wall was still standing.

If some kid was walking along at school and eating something, like a bun or a piece of cake, Gary would accidentally bump into them so that the thing the kid was holding in his hand dropped onto the ground.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the victim would say.

“I’m sorry too,” Gary would say. “Real sorry.” And he would accidentally step on the dropped food and squashed it into the ground.

All the kids were scared of him.

One day, it was not at school but on the street, Gary bumped into a kid from school who was eating an ice cream. The ice cream fell to the ground. The kid from school had had enough. He bashed Gary up good and proper.

“We should learn not to be violent,” the principal said on Monday morning. The kid got “ten hours of community service”. Gary continues to bump into people. He’s such a friendly chap.

1690. Lovely little old lady

Bernice was a lovely little old lady who drove around in a beat-up old car and lived in a cosy bungalow with a cottage garden and a sausage dog. She was always pleasant – some would say delightful – and hence would be invited to gatherings here and there whenever a celebration was called for. For example, the local school always invited her to their Christmas party (not that they called it a Christmas party) simply because she was delightful company.

Bernice had a saying if anyone asked her age: “Quite frankly, I can’t afford to die.” It was true that the cost of dying had rocketed into the stratosphere in recent years. There was the coffin and the funeral and the hearse and the flowers and the… Would it never end?

Well, afford it or not, Bernice passed away. Her will requested a simple funeral, the sausage dog got looked after, and the school got to build a new gymnasium.

1652. Well there ya go

(Thanks to GP Cox of Pacific Paratrooper for giving the opening sentence, and apologies in advance for turning out a horrid story.)

“Well there ya go, it happened again.”

It was the saddest thing; Ollie Hope was teased at school. It was closer to persecution. Others viewed him with distain. He was a bit thick, a bit slow, a couple of nuts short of a fruit cake. All that the other students would ever say to Ollie was “Look what the cat brought in.” To which Ollie always replied, “Well there ya go, it happened again.”

It was like pressing a button.

“Look what the cat brought in.”

“Well there ya go, it happened again.”

“Look what the cat brought in.”

“Well there ya go, it happened again.”

The truth was, Ollie wasn’t stupid, but he didn’t know how he was meant to respond to such a silly statement, especially since it happened all the time and was clearly meant as a torment. His reply had simply started out as a sensible response to “Look what the cat brought in” several times in a row. “Well there ya go, it happened again.”

Poor Ollie didn’t make too many friends. He was a bit of a loner, but not from choice. When he hanged himself in his parent’s garage it was the third school suicide within as many months.

As one teacher observed: “Well there ya go, it happened again.”

And everybody laughed.

1640. Bananas

Paddy liked bananas. The trouble was he used to stuff them in his mouth instead of biting a bit off the end. It drove his mother, quite frankly, bananas. She said:

“Why can’t you eat a banana nicely instead of stuffing it in your mouth? Eat it nicely; like a gorilla.”

In fact Paddy had seen gorillas at the zoo eating bananas. They would peel them nicely and bite a mouthful off at the end.

The other kids at school had seen Paddy eat a banana and instantly gave him the nickname of “Monkey”. In fact, when it came to the classroom singing time, the other boys would sing:

With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give the monkey a banana…

It made the teacher very annoyed.

There was no changing the way Paddy would eat a banana. Even when he grew up and got married his wife would say:

“Why can’t you eat a banana nicely instead of stuffing it in your mouth? Eat it nicely; like a gorilla.”

And then quite a few years later, when he went to the Old Peoples Retirement Village, there were a couple of old men who had gone to school with Paddy and they would sing:

With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give the monkey a banana…

For Paddy it was all water off a duck’s back. He took no notice. Being deaf has some advantages.

1633. A salutary lesson

Hugo was a teacher of the old school. He believed that students were born with empty heads and it was his job to stuff knowledge into them. SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LEARN.

Guntar was a teacher of more contemporary times. He believed students were born with heads full of knowledge. It was his job to gently draw knowledge out. Good morning everyone. What would you like to talk about today? Perhaps we could share how we feel about it.

Hugo and Guntar taught at the same school at the same time. They were both successful teachers. One pushed knowledge in, the other sweet-talked knowledge out. Well, the next thing was (would you believe?) Guntar was appointed the headmaster. The more liberal stance became official; in fact, it became compulsory.

We care about people. It is the humane way. It takes into account where the students are at and how they feel. You must coax the knowledge lovingly out of each student.

Hugo didn’t think much of the new directive. He complained at a staff meeting. Guntar answered:

“You call yourself a teacher? It’s conservative, right wing idiots like you who are not open to new ideas. I suggest you SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LEARN. As free-minded people we prefer to share and do things in a more open liberal way. So use your initiative and do it my way.”

These days Hugo delivers mail on foot from house to house. It’s a job. Guntar, on the other hand, has risen to new heights; he’s now a bigwig in the Department of Education. Teachers beware! You had better SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LEARN to be open and tolerant.

1627. Plummeting education

Dear Editor

I usually don’t write to the newspaper to vent my frustration, but enough is enough. I think that personal opinions are just that – opinions that should be kept to oneself. But I can’t hold back in this matter any longer. I see our education system plunging into a dark and bottomless abyss. Here are a few questions I would like to ask today’s young people. The paucity of correct replies should serve to emphasize the lack of cultural historicity being taught in today’s classroom.

1. What exactly was in Little Red Riding Hood’s basket? Was it buns or muffins or perhaps bagels? Was it scones? Or maybe it was little bottles of honey and various jams that she was taking to grandma. I am prepared to bet my bottom dollar that today’s generation will be lost for words when it comes to this aspect of our cultural heritage. I wouldn’t be at all surprised, given the lack of morality prevalent in today’s society, if some people suggest that Little Red Riding Hood had non-perishable goods in her basket. Pickled onions for example. Or even some sort of health food. That is what the world has come to. If students were taught properly what was really in Little Red Riding Hood’s basket then the world would be a better place.

2. Was the Big Bad Wolf that confronted Little Red Riding Hood the same wolf that hounded the Three Little Pigs? Teachers want us to believe that toxic males permeate society and are far more common than they really are. They think the world is full of nasty wolves like the Big Bad Wolf. And anyway, was the woodsman who in the end chopped off the head of the wolf as nice as some make out? What was the woodsman doing hovering around Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s house in the first place? The woodsman with the axe, not the Wolf, was oversexed and violent.

3. Why was Little Red Riding Hood wearing a hood? Was she ashamed of who she was? What uneducated person these days knows that the reason Little Red Riding Hood wore a hood was perhaps because she was Little Bo Peep in disguise. Or perhaps Goldilocks? Or Cinderella? Or Sleeping Beauty? Need I go on and on? Who is to say that Little Red Riding Hood wasn’t a toxic male such as Little Jack Horner trying to lure the Big Bad Wolf into sticking his thumb into a pie?

4. When Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater put his wife inside a pumpkin he wasn’t being nasty. Those were different times. There’s no need to rewrite history. One can only hope that the pumpkin had a kitchen sink.

Whatever happened to our fine education system when students were taught real answers to real questions? I bet you anything that few people these days know that getting a pail of water was the last thing on Jack and Jill’s mind when they went up the hill. Our world has indeed plummeted into savagery and barbarousness.

Yours faithfully
Old King Cole