2656. Oh to be six again

(Note: This story (some will be pleased to hear) is the final politically incorrect posting for the time being!)

Dear Principal

I have included a list of the names of the boys involved. I had asked my class of six year olds to colour in a picture. It helps with the development of their co-ordination. Only one – ONLY ONE – used a black crayon. The rest coloured in the picture of a pixie with every other colour under the sun.

You will be glad to hear that I immediately sent these boys to the infirmary for castrating. The only boy not sent was Angelina Peasbody who not only used the black crayon hitherto mentioned, but requested that from now on we use the name of Angelo.

I know that in future we will both feel safer roaming the corridors of the school.

Anitx Cleanx
Teacher-of-six-year-olds

2646. Modern Day Math(s) Exam

!. Place a tick (check) in the box next to the CORRECT sentences below.
2. When you have done that, place a tick (check) next to the INCORRECT sentences below.

□ Harry and me cleaned the car.
□ Harry and I cleaned the car.
□ I and Harry cleaned the car.
□ Me and Harry cleaned the car.
□ The car was cleaned by Harry and me.
□ The car was cleaned by Harry and I.
□ The car was cleaned by I and Harry.
□ The car was cleaned by me and Harry.

3. There are eight (8) sentences above. Count how many sentences there are and tick (check) the box that has the correct number.
When you have done that, tick (check) the incorrect boxes:

□ 1
□ 4
□ 8
□ 11

4. NOTE TO TEACHER AIDE: Please give this completed test to the student so that he/she/zee might hand it to the exam supervisor.

2643. To be open

The headmaster of the high school was a raging alcoholic. Frequently in the evenings, especially on a Friday and on weekends, he would be seen on the street by students of the school. He would be clutching a paper bag with a bottle inside, and be saying “How do you do?” to anyone who passed by.

Things were getting serious. A group of parents decided to confront him. He accepted what they said. He said he would admit to his problem and join an Alcoholics Anonymous program. To help him face it, he wanted to speak to the oldest students of the school, admit to his alcoholism, and ask for their support.

The students gathered. The headmaster entered the room. There was a faint smell of gin. He announced to the students that he was going away for a while. He explained why. He asked for their support. It was very moving.

The headmaster then went to leave and walked slap-bang into the closed exit door. The students laughed. All was ruined.

2594. Scrawny little twerp

James was at high school and didn’t have a girlfriend as such. All the others seemed to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Maybe not all; Cora Jones didn’t seem to have a boyfriend and she was the one that James liked the most. With the school dance coming up he had to invite someone but he was too scared to ask Cora in case she said no. So he put it off.

Then with just two days left to go he had to ask someone. He just had to. He hated the thought. He’d rather have a Chemistry test and he hated Chemistry. There was no way out. He had to; he just had to; had to; had to.

Going up to Cora Jones he asked her point blank if she would like to go with him to the dance.

“Who do you think I am, you scrawny little twerp?” said Cora. “Don’t you know I’m going with Nigel Wolland? At least he’s got a personality; and looks. And at least he’s partially co-ordinated enough to dance. So no. Bad luck, loser.”

James went home and the next three days he called in sick. He was glad Cora Jones said no. Imagine having to go out with someone like her. He didn’t go to the dance. He stayed home and watched television.

2538. Dunk bucket

The school’s fund-raising gala day had one of those things where a teacher sits under a contraption that has a bucket of water above the head. People pay to throw a ball at a target and if it hits then the bucket tips over and pours water all over the teacher. Of course, everything is taken in a cheerful spirit. There’s hardly a non-nerdy pupil who is not keen to throw a bucket of water over a teacher.

When the Headmaster sat in the contraption no one paid to throw a ball at the target. Everyone hated him; which just goes to show that teachers have to be liked to have a bucket of water thrown over them. The Headmaster was annoyed. He had not brought a change of clothes and had been quite unprepared to sit under the dunk bucket, but he thought he had better do his bit. The teacher who was Head of Chemistry felt sorry for him and paid to throw a ball. The ball hit its mark and the Headmaster was utterly drenched.

No one really minded, although many pretended to, when several days later the Headmaster died of pneumonia.

2490. What a kerfuffle!

It was a terrible kerfuffle. Maisie reckoned it was a kerfuffle over nothing, but Ronald’s mother said the kerfuffle was justified. “I’ll make a kerfuffle for as long as I think it’s necessary,” she said.

The Headmaster of the school that Ronald attended agreed with Maisie; it was a kerfuffle about nothing. Ronald’s mother said she disagreed with the Headmaster, and the Headmaster said, “I suppose you’re going to make a kerfuffle over that as well.”

That didn’t stop Ronald’s mother from writing to the Minister of Education. She explained why she was making a kerfuffle and the Minister of Education labelled Ronald’s mother a domestic terrorist.

“Ha! Ha!” laughed the Headmaster. “If you hadn’t made such a kerfuffle it might not have gone kerplunk.”

2489. Guest Alien

It was terribly exciting. Sydney had never seen an alien from another planet before, and now one was coming to speak to his class at school. He had all sorts of questions to ask. He just hoped he’d be allowed to ask more than one question.

The day arrived! The hour arrived! The alien arrived!

The alien invited the children to call him Herman because his real name was unpronounceable to Earthlings and besides Herman was made up of Her and Man which was good because the planet he came from didn’t have boys and girls.

Natalie asked how come they had babies if they didn’t have boys and girls. Most in the class didn’t have much of a clue what she was asking about. Willie wanted to know what the weather was like on the planet and did they have any pollution.  Angela asked if they had horses because she had a pony called Marco and she wouldn’t want to go to the alien’s planet if they didn’t have horses. Not big horses, like race horses, but small ones like Marco. And Marco was white. And Natalie had been given it by her parents for her eighth birthday. She liked horses and her friend, Christobelle had one of those miniature horses that…

Herman couldn’t keep still. It was like he had ants in his pants. He walked up and down. Up and down.  As he passed where Sydney was sitting, Sydney did a terrible thing; he poked the alien with a sharp pencil.

Herman went POP! and that was the end of that.

2468. Chants and hakas

Story 2468 is significant enough a number to deviate into reality. When we were kids, “Two four six eight” was the grace before meals when mum and dad weren’t there:

Two four six eight, bog in, don’t wait.

Two four six eight was also the prefix to a chant at sports gatherings:

Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?

The winner’s name would then be chanted.

Another chant in that ilk was to spell the sports person’s name:

Give us an S
Give us an M
Give us an I
Give us a T
Give us an H
What have you got?
SMITH! SMITH! SMITH!

Of course that chant doesn’t work if the name is Barakat-Bentinckstokes.

My favourite chant (apart from Let’s go Brandon) requires a bit of explaining:

The High School I went to (and also taught at for a decade) was situated in the countryside. It was a large all-boys boarding school catering mainly at the time to sons of isolated farming families throughout the country. Hence the school itself was attached to a farm. The biggest (and oldest) annual athletics occasion was called the McEvedy Shield. Four major all-boys schools met to compete in some large stadium. The entire roll of each school would attend. Chants and hakas abounded. A haka is a traditional Maori challenge and each school in New Zealand has its own. The video shows two opposing high school teams challenging each other before a rugby match. (Incidentally, a “College” in New Zealand is the same as a High School).

At the McEvedy Shield around 2 o’clock the three opposing schools would unite and begin chanting at my school:

Go home! Milking time! Go home! Milking time!

I always found the Milking Time Chant very entertaining, and if anything it highlighted the positive camaraderie between the four competitive schools.

Perhaps you have a favourite chant?

2383. Apprenticeships

I never liked secondary school much – except for the sports. I had to sit through all these classes without understanding a word; General Science, Mathematics, History, English Literature. I even had to learn Spanish for half a semester until they realized that Spanish was my first language and who needs to learn how to say everything the wrong way from a teacher who doesn’t know a cañon from a cannon.

Let’s face it; I only took Chemistry because Lucy-Sue was in the class. Lucy-Sue was no good at Chemistry either, so I figured I could make her feel better about it by commiserating with her. It didn’t work back then, and she told me to “shove it” and took off with Malcolm MacAnally who had “anal” in his name for a reason.

Anyway, as soon as I was allowed to I left school and got a job working for a builder. I liked that and he gave me an apprenticeship provided I went to night school and took Mathematics. Well, that Mathematics was different from the stuff they taught you at school. This Mathematics was about how much gasoline you needed to buy if you were going to run a generator that used so much blah blah blah when you were stuck out in the middle of nowhere. All that was interesting, and a lot more useful to me than x²=a²+b² – which I never figured out what it meant.

These days I own the building company. I was invited by the local school to come and speak to the kids during their “Vocations Week”. I was to talk about being a builder. I did that, but they didn’t like the bit where I said that if you want to be a builder don’t waste your time trying to get an education higher than you need. They banned me from coming to speak again because of that. It was against “standards”.

Now they’re asking for donations for a new gymnasium. I thought about buying one for them (my kids go to that school) but my wife said they can “shove it”, so I’m doing that. Lucy-Sue is usually right. In the meantime, I seem to be employing every kid who has got kicked out of the school for “misbehaviour” of one sort or another.  I find they’re the best workers and it doesn’t hurt to give them a chance.

Story 838: Dear Miss Munyard

This is the fifth day of seven days in which an earlier story is repeated. Today it is Story 838: “Dear Miss Munyard”. It was first posted on 26 January 2016.

Miss Munyard, although she was called May by her colleagues, was in charge of the little children new to the school. She got the children to form a circle holding hands. They danced around singing:

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
Who cut off their tails with the carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life as
Three blind mice?

Dear Miss Munyard,
I was amazed when Nola came home singing Three Blind Mice. The method of numeracy you apparently espouse has no bearing whatsoever on the modern mathematics that should be taught. Three mice is definitive. It’s the working out of the problem that’s important; not the answer. There could have been ten mice. It wouldn’t have mattered.
Zita Codfish

Dear Miss Munyard,
Andrew came home having had bad and dated attitudes towards blindness shoved down his throat. It’s not the way he has been brought up. Making fun of blindness while dancing around in circles is hardly the value we’re trying to instil in our young people.
Maureen and Petros Stifleburg

Dear Miss Munyard,
It’s pedagogical methods such as yours that enhance attitudes toward the world’s creatures that ultimately cause extinction. There’s nothing wrong with mice. People have them as pets. Other people trap them cruelly, or even cut off, as the rhyme Nigel came home singing said, their tails. These attitudes foster violence and lack of caring for our planet. His father gave him a good beating to try and instil better values into him than the ones you promote.
Lorna Bridgewater

Dear Ms Munyard,
That’s right, have the unnamed woman in the ditty Carolynne came home singing, have her stand at the sink and get her identity from her husband. She’s just a “farmer’s wife”. No wonder we haven’t moved on from the emancipation of the 19th century. Try and drag yourself into the 21st century. Or better still; throw yourself under a race horse and liberate a few people.
Melinda Beveridge

Dear May,
Jonathan came home from school on a high. He loves the songs you teach. He especially loved the one about the three blind mice. You certainly know how to relate to children. Jonathan worships you! I wondered if you were free again next Saturday evening?
Harry Wattleworth