2652. Fabulous new car

Darren thought his brand new car was absolutely fantastic. All the other cars he had owned in the past were really old-fashioned compared to the features his new car had. For example, it had a little screen on the dashboard that showed a video of what was behind the car as he back-backed.

The first thing he did after buying the car was to drive to the centre of town and park right outside the busiest shop. Hopefully his girlfriend would spot the car and go all gooey with admiration.

She never showed up, so Darren backed out of his angle-parking space using his wonderful screen on the dashboard. Being on an angle he didn’t see the big logging truck roaring down the road because it was roaring down the road not behind him but on the side.

Dear Reader, you might well feel bad for Darren losing his fabulous car so soon after purchasing it. Fret not. He was killed.

2566. Corvette covetousness

Elias dumped his wife’s murdered copse in the river while on the way to inform the police that his wife had gone missing.

It was mid-afternoon. His wife had been to town in the morning doing this and that. She had taken the Corvette, which was Elias’s pride and joy. When he had bought it the advertisement described it as “The eighth-generation Corvette, bold and breath-taking; a beautifully sculpted mid-engine sports car with potent aerodynamics, slicing the air with sheer precision.” Many a time had Elias warned her not to take the Corvette but to take her Buick. But oh no! The Corvette turned many a head; the Corvette made a big splash – especially when Lily drove it over the bank on the way home and into the river.

Thank goodness she was safe, but the car was totally submerged.  Elias was not pleased when she walked into the house dripping wet and announced that the Corvette was now in the river.

That was when Elias saw red, and in his rage murdered Lily with the frying pan he was holding. He had to use the Buick to dump her body in the river. There was nothing to say she wasn’t thrown from the Corvette, whacked her head on a rock, and drowned.

In the end that was exactly what the forensic pathologist concluded.

The whole unwholesome affair has had one big drawback; in the days around the ensuing funeral Elias has to drive around in Lily’s crummy Buick.

2428. Sometimes it’s better not to know

Ivar had just recently celebrated his birthday. The celebration had been a pleasant occasion. His three grown children had visited. They all gave little gifts, for example Ross, the youngest, had given him a card with four raffle tickets for a brand new car. The tickets didn’t win anything but it was the thought that counts!

Then several days later Ross tuned up – just passing – in a brand new expensive car.

“Where did you get that from?” asked Ivar.

“You know that raffle I gave you the tickets for?” said Ross. “I took a couple for myself and won! Isn’t it a beauty?”

It was indeed! Ross took his father for a quick spin around the block. Amazing!

When Ross had gone Ivar rummaged through the waste bin and found his four raffle tickets. The numbers were 43941, 43942, 43944, and 43945. The missing number, 43943, had been the winning number.

Ivar never said beep to anyone. Sometimes it’s better not to know.

2427. Birthday gift

Ross felt that the older his father got the harder it was to think of a decent birthday present for him. He had everything – well, everything he needed, and for that matter he had most things he liked – except of course for something fancy like a new expensive car.

It’s not that these days Ross’s family would spend much on birthday gifts; it was the thought that counts, and with the state of the economy it was getting more and more difficult to buy some gift that wasn’t simply a cheap plastic abomination.

Ross’s father’s birthday was on the coming Sunday. Ross had bought a birthday card with an envelope. He simply needed something relatively inexpensive to go with it. And there it was; tickets for a raffle and the prize was a brand new car! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if his father won that?

Ross tucked the five tickets he bought into the card and sealed the envelope. Five tickets at two dollars each amounted to ten dollars. A chance with five tickets was plenty enough for a birthday celebration! The raffle was to be drawn on the Saturday, the day before the birthday. Ross didn’t want to spoil the fun by checking on the ticket numbers before the birthday and then giving away something already useless. The envelope was well sealed!

And then the internet announced… the car had been won by a locally purchased ticket! Oh dear! Ross looked at the sealed envelope. It was a great temptation to have a peek.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Ross’s father enjoyed getting the birthday card with the four tickets inside, even though he never won anything.

2176. Whizzing along

Neil was whizzing along the highway in his little blue car when suddenly a bit fell off. He wasn’t sure what bit it was but couldn’t stop because there was traffic everywhere and they were moving along as if in convoy at a reasonable rate.

Anyway, the car seemed to be going well, and then the outside mirrors on both sides fell off. Before he could think, the hood (bonnet) had blown off and then the trunk (boot). Next he saw a wheel race along the road ahead of him, and then another.

It didn’t take long before he was whizzing along clinging to nothing but the steering wheel.  Next thing, wouldn’t you know it, even the steering wheel zoomed off into nowhere.

It was then Neil realized what had happened. A few miles back on the road he was in a car accident. He was dead. Now he was whizzing along in another dimension altogether.

2154. Brand new car

Eva: Goodness gracious! I was just thinking about you Chad, and here I am bumping into you in the street! How’s it going these days?

Chad: Things are going well, thanks Eva. I’m just back from buying a new car. It’s bright red.

Eva: Can we see it from here?

Chad: No. I just parked it around the corner. I should have said, Good Lord! My car has been stolen!

Passing pedestrian: Did you hear that Mabel? That poor man has just had his car stolen. You can’t trust to park anywhere in town these days. Crime has gone berserk.

Bystander I: Did you hear that everyone? This guy here has just had his car stolen in broad daylight. It pays to may sure you lock things up securely.

Bystander II: Oh you poor man. Do you live far away? Could I drop you off at home or at the police station?

Chad: The police station is just around the corner. I’ll walk there, but thanks for the kind offer.

Eva: This is what happens when you defund the police. Crime goes up.

Chad: Come along Eva. We’ll walk around the corner to the police station.

Two minutes later…

Chad: Oh my God!

2050. Take a seat for Valentine’s

(Once in a while, like every thousand stories or so, I repeat a story. To honour St Valentine’s Day, here is a story (of true love) that I’ve told before!)

Come on, baby. Get over into the back seat.

Nah, I don’t want to.

(Smooch. Smooch). Come on, baby. Get over into the back seat.

Nah. I don’t want to.

(Smooch. Smooch). Come on, baby. Get over into the back seat.

Nah. I don’t want to.

Why not?

‘Cos I want to be with you.

1752. A winning day

Don’t ask me how he knew, but he knew alright. Charlie knew that this was his winning day. He didn’t know exactly how, but he knew it deep down in his bones.

He had always been intuitive; like when he knew his brother had passed away before the phone call even came through. Perhaps today he would win a lot of money in the lottery. Or perhaps he’d win the trailer load of groceries that the local Rotary Club had organized; after all he’d taken two tickets in the raffle. Perhaps he had been given the winning voucher from the local electronic supply shop; the promotion had said “Spend $20 and go in the draw to win”. He already knew how he’d spend it; at least how he’d spend part of it. He wanted a rice cooker, and a deep fryer, and a hand held whizzy stick-thing that pureed stuff. Not being sure as to which scenario was going to make his lucky day simply added to the excitement!

And then… as he looked out the window, two cars slowly passed the front of his house. One was a shiny new bright red car. Both drivers slowed down and looked at his house. They stopped just up the road. One of the drivers got out and went to the other driver’s window. They spoke for about five minutes.

During that time, Charlie was beside himself. He’d won a car! He simply knew! There were a number of competitions he’d entered over the previous month to win a car, and at last it had come to fruition. Oh lucky, lucky day!

The two cars were turning around now. They began to slowly approach Charlie’s house. He knew! He knew! Don’t ask me how he knew, but he knew alright. Charlie opened his front door wide as a welcoming gesture. His heart was in his mouth. The cars were moving so slowly. They almost came to a stop. And then they went right passed.

Repeat of Story 386: Marietta plans a murder

(This is the sixth story in a week or so of repeats. “Marietta plans a murder” first appeared on this blog on 31 October 2014.)

Don’t get me wrong. Marietta wasn’t an evil person. When she decided to murder her husband it was out of the purest of intentions. He had been unfaithful.

Marietta had always vouched for the sanctity of marriage. She couldn’t understand why all these participants in broken marriages insisted on divorce. Hadn’t they vowed to remain faithful unto death?

Now that her husband had committed infidelity after infidelity she knew exactly how these other people felt. Divorce was not good enough. She had promised unto death and that’s what she was going to do.

But how best to go about it and not get caught? Poison? The autopsy would discover it. Gunshot? It would have to be in self-defence, and that would be too difficult to set up.

She would simply (after searching it online) “undo the brakes” of his car. And that’s what she did! He drove to the pub every Thursday evening over a wild and winding road. Thursday was perfect. That was the evening she attended her prayer meeting. She could feign distress, with a touch of hysteria, when the sad news was phoned through.

She drove off in her car for the prayer meeting. It was with a certain amount of nervous excitement.

“Goodbye, darling,” she waved. “Goodbye!”

All that can be said is that great minds think alike. Marietta and her husband were suited to each other down to the ground.

May she rest in peace.

A whinge, a whine, a whimper, and a wine

“Whinge” is such a good word that I thought I’d use it. This posting is a slight departure from the norm; hence, I haven’t given it a sequential number as per usual.

Whinge: Am I the only one on Word Press who has to log in MANY A TIME in order to give a like or a comment? It’s driving me crazy – and in fact stops me from liking and commenting. It’s not everyone’s site that does it, just some. What an annoying thing! What is its meaning? It’s only fairly recently begun to do this. I’ve cut down on the number of blogs I read, like, and comment on daily to save time and frustration.

Whine: I’ve almost finished my aim for 2019: to compose 153 pieces for the piano. I chose 153 because that’s the number of piano pieces in Béla Bartók’s Mikrokosmos. Of course, they’re not exactly up to Bartok’s standard, but I still dunnit. Despite some helpful and kind suggestions from a couple of readers, I still don’t know what to do with them. I hate to foist 153 piano pieces on my unsuspecting half dozen or so faithful followers. Even if a piano piece was surreptitiously snuck into a posting once a week it would take 3 years, by which time I’ll possibly be in a hole in Kopuatama. (Kopuatama, for those not well-read, is the name of the local cemetery). So I’m going to post the music in blocks of fifteen now and again, provided no one feels compelled to listen to them out of a sense of friendship and loyalty. Relatively low self-esteem was always one of my finer hallmarks – which probably accounts for the fact that I’ve only once sent my brilliant post-modern novel manuscript to a publisher. (I think the publisher has since died, and can only hope that my MS was the cause of it).

One of these is Bartók

Whimper: Last Spring (it’s a cold Autumn here in New Zealand now) I was unable to find any globe artichoke plants in any plant shop. Being particularly partial to artichokes, and given the exorbitant expense of buying canned artichoke hearts, I planted a packet of artichoke seeds. Artichokes require a coldish winter. I had 32 seeds germinate, and planted then around the garden. They are a lovely structural plant anyway with gorgeous thistle-like edible purple flowers. The artichokes have flourished. Each single plant takes up several square yards. I’ve never had them so big. Imagine 32 gigantic plants. There’s no room even for a humble carrot, and I haven’t the heart to pull any out! Roll on Spring with its promised feast! I’ll just nip out now and get you a photo!

Here is one of 32!

Wine: My car died just on 12 months ago. Death came suddenly and in the middle of a busy highway. I phoned the Automobile Association and in an effort to ascertain where exactly I was I opened the car door and the dog leaped out onto the road. Picture, if you will, me on the phone (the only time I’ve ever used my mobile) dashing between roaring articulated trucks and trailers in an effort to catch the dog. We are both lucky to be alive. The whinge part however, is that I haven’t yet been able to replace the car! I was to be paid for months of work this past week, but the money has not yet arrived. Getting a car is top of my list, as I’ve been borrowing an old truck every time I run out of wine groceries. Contemporary used cars seem to come in 50 shades of grey – I will certainly be looking for something more titivating than 50 shades of grey (colour being the only thing I know about automobiles).

My dead car being taken away

That concludes this collection of whinges, whines, whimpers, and wine. Thank you for reading, and please feel welcome to leave comments – whether sharp or blunt.