Tag Archives: gossip

1928. Church flowers

Barry was having an affair. The whole village knew about it. No wonder Melissa had left him. This had probably been going on for months.

No one had a clue who the woman was that he was having an affair with. Was it someone they knew? Was it someone from out of town? No one had seen her. What they had seen, and rather regularly, was a bump in the backseat covered in a blanket. Barry’s car was always firmly in his garage with the automatic door solidly shut before who-ever-it-was undoubtedly emerged from under the blanket in the back seat and entered the house.

The village was a tight knit community. They cared about each other, and not knowing the identity of Barry’s lover was driving them crazy. Anne proposed a plan.

Barry had a large garden. This was a remnant from when Melissa ran the house. “It’s my turn,” said Anne, “to do the flowers for the church this coming Sunday. I shall go and ask Barry if we can have some flowers from his garden for the church.”

It was a brilliant plan! While there Anne would poke around for clues. Perhaps the lover might be spied. Perhaps Barry might drop a hint.

Sunday morning came. The church flowers from Barry’s garden were gorgeous. Anne was to be congratulated. But did she find out anything of interest?

“Not a thing!” declared Anne. “Not a whiff of a hint.”

Everyone pretended not to be disappointed.

Anne breathed a sigh of relief. Her secret was still safe.

1368. A true story

Some people thought it funny, but Ray didn’t think it funny at all. In fact, he thought that John had been downright rude and asked Margaret to make him apologise.

Teresa didn’t think he should have to apologise at all and Robert agreed. Not that it mattered as Nyla and Douglas were the two that would care about such things and they were visiting their friend Gregory to congratulate him on his engagement to Denise. Lynda was there as well, and she was having an affair with Richard, everyone knew it, because Charles had whispered it one at a time, starting with Patrick. Juris had said that we shouldn’t engage in gossip and told Jason and Peter by way of illustration. After that, the whole world knew.

Well, at least Thomas, Graeme, Myra, Brent, Lorraine, Frances, Adrienne, Esme, Thomas (a different Thomas from the one previously mentioned), Hein, Jacob, Ruth, Paul, Julie, Patricia, Hubert, Sydney, Walter, Alastair, Kevin, Trevor, Marian, Ngaire, and Ronald knew.

So as you can see, it’s probably not funny at all.

1153. Who’s the suspect?

The front of Melanie’s house was next to the road, but the back lawn had a different neighbour bordering each of the three sides.

Melanie had a little dog, of which she was most fond. It was a Pomeranian and its name was Pom-Pom. In fact, Melanie got on better with her dog than she did with the three bordering neighbours.

You’ve no idea, said Melanie, what Anita Jones is up to. Her husband’s corpse was still warm and she was out cavorting with another man. And then barely three weeks had passed and he’d moved in. Moved in! Anita Jones, I’m telling you this to your face. You’re a cheap harlot. That’s all. Cheap harlot! My Pom-Pom has more principles.

Herbie Davidson, said Melanie, is overweight and disgusting. He walks around in his back yard wearing only his underpants. He’s too fat to do that. He’s gross from top to toe. Nor has he any manners. Herbie Davidson, I’m telling you this to your face. You’re a grotesque, obese piece of lard. That’s all. Lazy lard! My Pom-Pom has more principles.

And as for you, Andy McAlister, we all know you watch porn. You sit at your computer half the night grovelling over it. I can see it through the window. I’ve a good mind to report you to the police, you filthy-minded pig. Andy McAlister, I’m telling you this to your face. You’re a dirty gutter rat. That’s it. Gutter rat! My Pom-Pom has more principles.

One day Melanie saw rat poison tablets scattered on her back lawn. Pom-Pom must have eaten one. It was dead.

815. Elaine worked in a pharmacy

815elaine

Elaine was quite the wrong person to work in a pharmacy. The pharmacy was the sole pharmacy in the small town. Elaine knew everyone’s ailments, and she couldn’t help but let things occasionally slip.

“You shouldn’t be eating that,” she said to Nora at the church bazaar. “You know the doctor has put you on atorvastatin.”

“The doctor put Herbie on isosorbide mononitrate. I said to him that I hoped the heart specialist stopped the 100mg of aspirin, but oh no, he’s on both and I told him it will be the death of him.”

“You’d be amazed at how many people in this town have genital warts. Donald Willesford has them – on the scrotum I belief. Donald Willesford! Who would have believed it?”

“Sheila must be the only one left in town who hasn’t succumbed to the flu. Of course, she never got the flu shot last Fall, which just goes to show how effective that flu inoculation really is.”

“Caroline has a terrible rash. She’s using the wrong stuff. I told her to use Silky Primrose Body Lotion. She didn’t listen.”

Elaine was sacked by the pharmacy. The Union fought for her; she had been unlawfully dismissed. She was awarded a large sum of money and had her job offered back. She refused to accept her job back. Someone else has now employed her, warts and all.

525. Overheard conversation II

525gossip

(I’ve just spent a week in a hospital ward – a mixed ward, men and women. It can become tedious, so I jotted down some overheard conversations. Slightly edited!)

Barbara: That was my grandson, Juan. It’s pronounced “Jay-wharn”. You wouldn’t know, but it’s Spanish. Even though he’s only four he has the IQ of a seven year old. I reckon he’s gay because he’s not interested in boys’ toys like trucks and stuff. I call him “my little gay boy”. Of course, I wouldn’t say that to his face; that would be cruel. I am very good with kids. I have two of my own and nine foster children that I call mine. If I won the lottery I would buy an orphanage. My youngest daughter she Chinese. She 17. She come see me this afternoon. She reliable. I ask her who at my house. She tell me. I ask her to water pot plant. She also very bright. Not as bright as “Jay-wharn”. Do you have any children, Naomi, and what do you do?

Naomi: Well, I’m 84, so I’m retired and I…

Barbara: I said to my daughter-in-law that India, that’s another granddaughter, she’s 2, has a “big mouth”. I didn’t mean that she was a blabber-mouth; I meant she could put a lot of food in her mouth at once when she was eating. Of course my daughter-in-law took it the wrong way didn’t she? She’s so sensitive. Too sensitive if you ask me. So do you work, Naomi?

Naomi: Well, I’m 84, so I’m retired and I…

Barbara: Then there’s Riley. He went off the rails. He got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 15. He’s 26 now, and…

Naomi: … and I lectured in Russian at the university.