Tag Archives: marriage

1029. Fastidious Johnnie

Claudia and Johnnie had been married for a good number of years. Over time, things that Johnnie did, little mannerisms and habits, began to annoy Claudia. Why, for example, did he always have to brush down the seat of the sofa before sitting down? The same for getting into the car. It was driving Claudia nuts.

There were other things too. The big annoyance was that he was older than she was. He had retired and stayed at home all day, while she still went to work. Talk about lazy. She almost pined for the day when he would pass away and she could live an independent life the way she wanted it. His fastidiousness was a constant aggravation.

Claudia thought Johnnie was eating unhealthily at lunch time when she wasn’t there. She began to prepare and leave healthy food for him to eat; organic fillings with gluten-free bread rolls, supplementary vitamin pills, non-fatty meats, and so on. No salt of course; never any salt.

After several months, Claudia discovered that Johnnie wasn’t eating the stuff she had prepared. He was eating junk food and hiding her preparations in the trash. No wonder the poison hadn’t worked.

1008. A dollar each way

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I like to put a dollar or two on the horses. Not much, mind. Just a dollar each way, here and there. Once I won almost nine hundred dollars. Nine hundred dollars! Can you imagine that!

My wife – well my ex-wife actually, but that’s another story – she didn’t like me putting the occasional dollar on the horses. She used to think that there were better things to spend money on. Dresses and stuff I suppose. Yeah right. And lipstick and junk.

When they took the kids away she upped and left. She’d had enough she said. The judge gave her custody of the kids eventually. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. Just a dollar here and there, each way. Occasionally.

1002. Trash

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My wife wants me to take out the trash. It happens every Wednesday evening. The collection is early Thursday morning.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?
Just wait before you take the trash out; I haven’t finished peeling the potatoes and don’t want the scraps rotting away for a week.

It usually starts on the Tuesday.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?

At least we have a sort of semi-conversation. It’s the only conversation we have all week. It’s been like that for a couple of years.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?
Wait! Wait! Can’t you wait till I finish peeling the potatoes, you stupid man.

It’s Wednesday. I have my wallet in my pocket. I’m going to take the trash out. And I’m going to keep on walking.

996. Birds

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George lived on his own with only the one broken marriage behind him. He thought he shouldn’t live the rest of his life on his own; he needed to find a companion.

He’d always been mildly interested in bird watching (the feathered sort), so he joined the local Bird Watching Society in the hope of furthering his interest and also of finding a lady of interest.

And find her, he did! Eadlin Aislabie was so knowledgeable about birds; where to see the rarest; how to photograph them; where and how they nested… She was an ornithological encyclopaedia. George was spellbound. He was captured! Enraptured! Entranced! Within weeks they were married and living in the same house.

That was a mistake. It drove him nuts. She wouldn’t stop talking about the bloody things.

992. Perfect toast

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The thing was, Johnny had spent days, weeks even, adjusting his toaster settings to perfection so that his toaster would pop out the toast at the exact moment of impeccable toasting time and then Taylor moved in and she changed the knob setting on the toaster because she didn’t like her toast as brown as Johnny did and that was a mistake so he changed it back and Taylor changed it back again.

That was before the divorce. It’s hard enough being a film star without all this extra stress.

953. A bunch of flowers

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Terry and Heather had an “old-fashion” marriage arrangement. Terry worked on the farm, and Heather worked in and around the house. The children had grown up and left, and apart from visits from family and friends, they led a fairly ordered and predictable life.

Terry would help with the dishes every evening after the meal, and Heather would help with the hay-making when the season came. But the truth was that if anything happened to Terry, Heather wouldn’t have much of a clue as to what to do on the farm; and if anything happened to Heather, Terry’s culinary expertise amounted to reheating a pre-cooked dinner in the microwave.

Then Heather got sick and had to go to the hospital for a week. A friend brought some lovely flowers before Heather went away.

“I’m going to leave these flowers on the dining table for you to enjoy while I’m gone,” said Heather to Terry. And she did. And she went.

For the first couple of days Terry dutifully watered the flowers in the vase. Then he noticed that one of the flowers was going a bit floppy.

“They have to last until Heather gets back,” thought Terry, and he put the vase of flowers in the fridge. That way they would stay fresh for longer. He knew that from the cool store he had in his shed for some cattle drench.

The week passed. Heather returned. Terry placed the flowers back on the table.

“Look at the flowers!” said Heather. “They’re still fresh and lovely. I hope you enjoyed them.”

“I looked at them every day,” said Terry.

He was rather pleased with his house-keeping skills.

947. Radishes and turnips

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Peter loved his gardening, although he wasn’t very good at it. He had a vegetable garden and was very proud of his produce. It never was much. A few lettuces, and a few tomatoes, a carrot here and there, and some radishes. He’d done it for nearly forty years.

Every year he’d written to the seed manufacturing company to complain about the radish seeds. Every year turnip plants had grown up among the radishes. There were turnip seeds mixed in with the radish seeds.

Every year the seed manufacturing company had replied that “it can’t be so”. Can’t be so, my foot! There were turnips growing amidst the radishes – every year.

Peter hated turnips. He would never plant the seeds. His wife, Rosalie, absolutely loved turnips. But she wasn’t much of a gardener.