Tag Archives: marriage

1102. On the blink

Brenda Clifford didn’t realize she was lonely until her television went on the blink.

Angela Charlesworth didn’t realize her marriage was on the rocks until her television went on the blink.

Geoff Craighead didn’t realize he was feeding his kids junk food until his television went on the blink.

Anthony Barlow didn’t realize he believed everything on the news until his television went on the blink.

Augusta Lorrigan didn’t realize she was drinking herself to death until her television went on the blink.

Lou Monks didn’t realize how untidy the house was until his television went on the blink.

When Rod Watson’s television went on the blink he didn’t notice anything except that his television was on the blink. He went out and bought another television and installed it before the sports game started. He bought some beer on the way home, told his wife and kids to shut up, burped, farted, and settled down for the night.

1100. Married and counting

Some people can’t but help get lucky. Such was the case with Sally Ebbett. She fell in love with a Bohemian gentleman who was Count Fridrik Hasištejnský z Lobkowicz. Sally loved his accent. He was not only titled but rich. Count Fridrik Hasištejnský z Lobkowicz proposed and they were married on a Croatian mountaintop with a magnificent view. Sally wanted a lavish church wedding, but Count Fridrik Hasištejnský z Lobkowicz thought something simpler was a lot nicer. And indeed it was!

Count Fridrik Hasištejnský z Lobkowicz had a castle which Sally had never seen. It was in the hinterland and full of tapestries and servants. Sally couldn’t wait to get there, but her husband kept suggesting other plans for them to enjoy their early married life.

“It doesn’t hurt for us rich people to occasionally rough it like ordinary poor folk,” said Count Fridrik Hasištejnský z Lobkowicz. (He pronounced “poor folk” as “purr Voke”; he was so Bohemian! so disarming!) “It is easy to lose touch with reality and misplace one’s humility. A simple walk in a dark forest is more agreeable than having a servant dust your bookshelf.”

They lived for a while in a little caravan on the side of a river. Sally’s husband liked to fish. He certainly led the life of the landed gentry! Who else could afford not to work and to fish all day?

Eventually Sally got really sick of him. “I want to go to my castle and live the life of the rich,” said Sally.

But there was no castle. There was no fortune. And conman, Johnny Jones from the next village, was now floating down the river with his head decapitated by a spade.

1042. Too young to get married

The headline said it all, in the opinion of Mrs Angela Fergusson: MINNIE DAVIDSON MARRIES YOUNG.

I’m not at all surprised, said Mrs Angela Fergusson. When she was at school she was a ripe tart, always hanging around boys. It was as if she couldn’t get enough of it even back then, and now she’s gone and got married when she’s barely out of diapers. It disgusts me. It’ll end up in divorce for sure. These days people should wait to get married, not rush into it like they’re mature enough to know what they’re doing. But, oh no, these people have to dash madly in love and run off and buy a wedding dress. Minnie Davidson never had any values, and now she squanders what the rest of us regard as a sacred state to pamper her youthful desires.

If Mrs Angela Fergusson had bothered to read the article she would have noticed that Mr and Mrs Harry YOUNG are both in their thirties and honeymooning in the Seychelles.

1029. Fastidious Johnnie

Claudia and Johnnie had been married for a good number of years. Over time, things that Johnnie did, little mannerisms and habits, began to annoy Claudia. Why, for example, did he always have to brush down the seat of the sofa before sitting down? The same for getting into the car. It was driving Claudia nuts.

There were other things too. The big annoyance was that he was older than she was. He had retired and stayed at home all day, while she still went to work. Talk about lazy. She almost pined for the day when he would pass away and she could live an independent life the way she wanted it. His fastidiousness was a constant aggravation.

Claudia thought Johnnie was eating unhealthily at lunch time when she wasn’t there. She began to prepare and leave healthy food for him to eat; organic fillings with gluten-free bread rolls, supplementary vitamin pills, non-fatty meats, and so on. No salt of course; never any salt.

After several months, Claudia discovered that Johnnie wasn’t eating the stuff she had prepared. He was eating junk food and hiding her preparations in the trash. No wonder the poison hadn’t worked.

1008. A dollar each way

7horses

I like to put a dollar or two on the horses. Not much, mind. Just a dollar each way, here and there. Once I won almost nine hundred dollars. Nine hundred dollars! Can you imagine that!

My wife – well my ex-wife actually, but that’s another story – she didn’t like me putting the occasional dollar on the horses. She used to think that there were better things to spend money on. Dresses and stuff I suppose. Yeah right. And lipstick and junk.

When they took the kids away she upped and left. She’d had enough she said. The judge gave her custody of the kids eventually. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. Just a dollar here and there, each way. Occasionally.

1002. Trash

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My wife wants me to take out the trash. It happens every Wednesday evening. The collection is early Thursday morning.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?
Just wait before you take the trash out; I haven’t finished peeling the potatoes and don’t want the scraps rotting away for a week.

It usually starts on the Tuesday.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?

At least we have a sort of semi-conversation. It’s the only conversation we have all week. It’s been like that for a couple of years.

Don’t forget to put out the trash.
Have you put out the trash yet?
Wait! Wait! Can’t you wait till I finish peeling the potatoes, you stupid man.

It’s Wednesday. I have my wallet in my pocket. I’m going to take the trash out. And I’m going to keep on walking.

996. Birds

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George lived on his own with only the one broken marriage behind him. He thought he shouldn’t live the rest of his life on his own; he needed to find a companion.

He’d always been mildly interested in bird watching (the feathered sort), so he joined the local Bird Watching Society in the hope of furthering his interest and also of finding a lady of interest.

And find her, he did! Eadlin Aislabie was so knowledgeable about birds; where to see the rarest; how to photograph them; where and how they nested… She was an ornithological encyclopaedia. George was spellbound. He was captured! Enraptured! Entranced! Within weeks they were married and living in the same house.

That was a mistake. It drove him nuts. She wouldn’t stop talking about the bloody things.