2929. Oops!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Well, not you Sweetie. You’re in the ugly category.

How dare you say that, you horrible mirror.

You crack me up. Oops!

2770. On reflection

Ruth wouldn’t be seen dead without her make-up on. Every morning for over twenty years she would sit at her bedroom dressing table and make up her face. She wasn’t a great mathematician – she thought in round numbers – but 20 years of looking in that mirror daily meant she had looked at herself at least over seven thousand times.

This morning was a little different. She sat in front of the mirror, look up into the mirror and the reflection wasn’t her. Looking back was a grey-green skinned thin figure with huge eyes. It looked like a space alien. Ruth was terrified. She couldn’t move. The creature stared at her. It was hypnotic.

Then the creature spoke. “Put on your makeup.” Ruth began applying makeup. With everything she applied – foundation, mascara, lipstick, and so on – an identical makeup appeared on the alien’s face. When Ruth had finished a split image of herself reflected back. Ruth knew it looked like her, but it wasn’t her. It was someone else.

It was then that Ruth felt a sharp pain in her chest. She slumped to the floor. Her death was never reported. Of course it wasn’t. “Ruth” turned up to work as usual. Not even her close relatives knew it wasn’t her. Even when they went on vacation and relaxed around the swimming pool, Ruth still wore her makeup.

2693. Good luck, bad luck

If it falls on a Friday, the 13^th day of the month is meant to be unlucky. Today is the 13^th but it’s a Thursday so it’s not unlucky. I don’t believe in that stuff anyway. Like a broken mirror will bring seven years bad luck, and it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder, and opening an umbrella inside is asking for trouble. A bride and groom seeing each other on the wedding day before the wedding doesn’t bode well for the future.

Every country has its bad luck things, like in New Zealand it’s a harbinger of death if a fantail bird comes into the house – which they do all the time and they clear the place of spiders and mosquitos which sounds like good luck to me. Besides, when you don’t have hummingbirds it’s nice to have little birds fluttering around. Just don’t have a cat or keep it away.

On the other hand, having an ornament or picture of an elephant in the house is meant to create good vibes – although it should be facing the exit door apparently. Then having specific crystals in the house is meant to bring love, happiness, prosperity, and good luck. My Aunt Sybil has a heavy ceramic elephant, various crystals on the window reflecting sunlight, and a dream catcher in her house. She claims it’s why her house is so welcoming. She also has fantails and a cat. The other day she was trying to catch the cat because it was trying to catch a fantail and she knocked the ceramic elephant and it fell on her head and now she’s dead.

2472. Mirror Mirror

The ugly, wicked Queen would look into the Mirror and ask “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

The Mirror would always respond with, “You are the most beautiful person on the planet, you gorgeous thing. When you look into the Mirror I reflect sunshine and rose petals, and hear the soft cooing of turtle doves.”

“Quite frankly,” responded the Queen as always, “I’m not surprised.”

When the ugly, wicked  Queen’s daughter, a real beautiful Princess, looked into the Mirror and asked the same question, the Mirror always responded the same: “Are you trying to crack me up, you ugly, lying, dog-faced pony soldier?”

When the ugly, wicked Queen died, which she eventually did, she took with her the knowledge that she was the most beautiful person in the world. Thank goodness she had purchased that Mirror from a second hand store when there was a sale on. It had brought much Truth and Honesty to her life.

What the ugly, wicked Queen never knew was that the Mirror had learnt its tricks off its first owner: a politician.

1994. Magic mirror

Alexander told his younger sister Clarissa that if you take seven deep breaths in front of the mirror something spectacular will happen.

“You need to do it outside,” he said, “because you never know what’s going to happen.”

Clarissa took her small wall mirror outside and propped it up against the leg of the porch chair on the lawn. She looked in the mirror and took seven deep breaths.

That is when Alexander threw a bucket of water over her.

1711. Mirror, mirror

Oswald stood in front of the mirror. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” You see, Oswald was having trouble choosing who to invite to the Fitter and Turners’ Annual Ball.

Should he ask Lillian? She was plain but pleasant. And capable. My goodness me!

Should he ask Siobhán? Should they fall in love he’d go through life being asked, Why is her name pronounced Shivaughan?

Should he ask Bernadette? The list was countless… Annette, Dulce, Barbara, Agatha…

Hence Oswald’s question: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? He got the fright of his life when the mirror answered: YOU ARE!

He asked again: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

YOU ARE!

Quite frankly, the mirror was no help, although it rather flattered Oswald’s vanity to have his sweetness surpass all others. When he had spoken into the mirror he wasn’t expecting a reply. He was really only talking to himself.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

YOU ARE!

Oswald asked his mother about the mirror.

“Goodness!” she said. “You didn’t know even after all these years? It’s a battery driven mirror that always answers that ridiculous question: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? The battery must be getting flat.”

Sure enough! Oswald found the battery and replaced it.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

YOU ARE a total nutcase.