2726. Be careful who you date

I invited this woman on a date. Her name was Chantelle; except it wasn’t as I discovered later.

When I first met her – at a used car auction of all places – she had a wonderful glow about her. He face shone. “Radiant” would be the word. I was head over heels in an instant. We got talking and that’s when I invited her out on a date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. She said “Yes”.

The meal was going perfectly – I thought – when I noticed she didn’t have a knife, She was eating politely just with a fork. So I called over the waiter and asked if they would be kind enough to give the lady a knife. One quickly arrived.

When it came time for dessert, again she had no cutlery. The waiter was called and promptly supplied a fork and a spoon. It was then I noticed something. She was eating the cutlery. The more cutlery she ate the more her face glowed. In the end I couldn’t help but ask.

“What’s the story here?” I said.

“I thought you knew,” she replied. “Why else would I have been at a used car auction?”

We never dated again, but I subsequently learned her real name was something sounding extra-terrestrial and she was happily married to a Structural Steel Engineer.

2707. Brave new world

Henrik didn’t realize until his early twenties that he was actually a space alien. His parents were extra-terrestrials visiting Planet Earth when Mrs. Qhommaex gave birth. There was no room for babies on the return flight, so Mr. and Mrs. Qhommaex put their baby up for adoption.

Henrik had gone all his life not knowing his origins. It was only when he started doing mysterious things that he began realizing he was different from humans. For example, he didn’t have to open a door to walk through; he could sweeten sour grapes and sour apples with the wave of a hand; he had to purposely include mistakes in the Calculus papers he was studying at university (getting 100% in everything could arouse accusations of cheating).

It wasn’t his adopted parents who revealed to him the reality of who he was. In truth, they probably didn’t know themselves. Henrik discovered his true identity when he bumped into a man at the railway station who knew the facts, cornered him, said “Excuse me”, and proceeded to inform Henrik of his heritage.

For a few days Henrik lived in a sort of daze. Nothing seemed real anymore, but after a while he got used to the idea and began using his powers to his advantage. People began realizing that his superhuman capabilities were not earth-bound. In fact, as word spread, more and more people grew afraid.

Enough is enough! Maisie Smith attended one of Henrik’s huge rallies. He was running for election on the local Town Council. Maisie pulled a handgun out of her purse and fired four bullets into Henrik’s head and chest. Nothing happened. The bullets went straight though him like he wasn’t there. In fact he wasn’t there. He was a mixture of hologram and artificial intelligence. The extra-terrestrial’s technologies were centuries ahead of what were known on Earth. Years before, Mr. and Mrs. Qhommaex had returned to Earth and collected their son. They left behind a pretend replacement.

2605. An alien favour

After Hector had helped the space aliens fix a hose on their space craft, by way of thanks the aliens told Hector that he could ask for any favour.

Hector said he wouldn’t mind travelling to their exoplanet for a look. “How long would it take to get there?”

“Travelling at just under the speed of light,” said an alien, “it would take around eleven earth years.”

“Count me in,” said Hector.

Hector is now mummified and naked in a glass cabinet on Planet Ekruks.

2489. Guest Alien

It was terribly exciting. Sydney had never seen an alien from another planet before, and now one was coming to speak to his class at school. He had all sorts of questions to ask. He just hoped he’d be allowed to ask more than one question.

The day arrived! The hour arrived! The alien arrived!

The alien invited the children to call him Herman because his real name was unpronounceable to Earthlings and besides Herman was made up of Her and Man which was good because the planet he came from didn’t have boys and girls.

Natalie asked how come they had babies if they didn’t have boys and girls. Most in the class didn’t have much of a clue what she was asking about. Willie wanted to know what the weather was like on the planet and did they have any pollution.  Angela asked if they had horses because she had a pony called Marco and she wouldn’t want to go to the alien’s planet if they didn’t have horses. Not big horses, like race horses, but small ones like Marco. And Marco was white. And Natalie had been given it by her parents for her eighth birthday. She liked horses and her friend, Christobelle had one of those miniature horses that…

Herman couldn’t keep still. It was like he had ants in his pants. He walked up and down. Up and down.  As he passed where Sydney was sitting, Sydney did a terrible thing; he poked the alien with a sharp pencil.

Herman went POP! and that was the end of that.

2187. Alien first aid

Poor Mrs. Mabel Bloxham had been chosen at random and abducted by aliens. They were taking her back to their home planet for investigation.

Normally Mabel wouldn’t have minded. In fact, she would enjoy the adventure, but in this case they had snatched her away and she was without her medication.

She asked the aliens in the flying saucer on the way (she did so via the exfibbertranslaticator) if they had extra advanced medical knowledge and could zap her back to full health. They answered that human physical makeup was so different from theirs that their advanced medicine would offer no advantage. That was why they wanted to examine her to learn more about the bodies of Earthlings. Then they might be of help.

Mrs. Mabel Bloxham’s problem was that she had no legs. Her legs were artificial. She had to take pills to stabilize things.

Upon examination the aliens were astounded. They had no idea when they abducted her that she was legless.

The aliens were from an advanced civilization. They had no word for war. They had no word for pain. They had no word for bad. They simply spread kindness throughout the universe. Which was why, when they arrived on Earth to help the humans, they cut off everyone’s legs.

2008. Cruising the Universe

Long John Silver (his real name wasn’t Long John Silver but he was known as Long John Silver by his closest associates) had given the exact location of Planet Earth. He had stumbled across Planet Earth while cruising the Universe and thought it to be a fairly fascinating place. (It’s where he had picked up the name Long John Silver from. It had tickled his fancy).

Now a group from Long John Silver’s planet were travelling in a space pod to Planet Earth. The voyage would take just over eight months, which was a phenomenally short time given the distance to get to Earth. Speed is of the essence in space travel.

Already two of the men on board had given birth to babies. (These aliens were sort of like Planet Earth’s sea horses where the males did the gestation).

How exciting to be nearing Planet Earth! Conditions on Earth were so similar to their own that they could simply step off their space pod and be assimilated incognito into earthly daily life (apart from the men having babies, which would be hidden if it happened).

They reached the location stipulated by Long John Silver. There was nothing there. Planet Earth had self-annihilated. It had blown itself up. It was so disappointing for the tourists.

1965. Just down the corridor

(This is the fourth of seven days of Science Faction).

Bevan lived in a single bedroom apartment block. It’s not the living arrangement he would have preferred, but it would do for the time being. He was saving to buy a proper home, with a small garden and lawn, and proper neighbours over the fence – not neighbours who could be described as “a couple of doors down the corridor”.

It wasn’t long before he noticed Magdalene. Her apartment was on the same floor. She was always very pleasant when they passed. In fact, she was straight-out lovely. They seemed to be roughly the same age. Her clothes and makeup were always done to perfection. Her personality was bubbly. Her speech was music. In fact, Bevan used to keep his door slightly ajar so he wouldn’t miss her when she came home. He didn’t want to not accidentally have the pleasure of bumping into her.

There was only one thing for it: he would have to ask her out on a date. It should be nothing too formal like a meal at a fancy restaurant. Maybe a movie followed by a coffee in a café. Twice he walked passed her door but was too afraid to knock.

“Blow it!” he thought one late Sunday afternoon. “It’s now or never.” He strode along the corridor before he had time to chicken out. He knocked. The door opened.

Oh my God! Great Scot! It was disgusting! She had forgotten to put on her artificial face. Her head was a squirming ball of worms and maggots. This intergalactic alien wasn’t one person; she was a thousand.

“Hold it! I’ll just put on my face.” She disappeared for no more than thirty seconds. When she reappeared it was the lovely Magdalene once again. “Just don’t tell anyone,” she said.

And that is how Bevan was silenced into owning his own home with a small garden and lawn, and proper neighbours over the fence. His delightful spouse wears her artificial face all the time these days.

Except when she takes a shower.

1891. On talking to a telegraph pole

I’m constantly amazed at how stupid some space aliens really are. The other day I caught one having a conversation with a telegraph pole. A telegraph pole!

I said, “You’re talking to a telegraph pole you stupid idiot. It’s not a living thing; it’s just a pole for holding up wires. It’s inanimate.”

“Oh yeah,” it said. (I’m not sure with the aliens if it’s a girl or a boy. Possibly neither. I read, apparently they breed like mushrooms. Sort of clouds of spores. I’d better watch out! Ha ha!) It continued: “Perhaps if you tried talking to a telegraph pole yourself you’d realize they are not as inanimate as you might think. Here! Try it!”

“Hello telegraph pole. How are you today?” I said.

Suddenly there was a cloud of spores floating all around me. I said that these spores were like mushroom spores, but really it was like a pollen explosion in a pine forest. I was so immersed in the all-pervading floating pollen that I could hardly see the alien. It was smiling in a ghostly manner; it was mesmerizing. Quite frankly it was grotesque.

Anyway, I had to dash off home. I was so excited, as was my wife. I just realized something then and there. Poof! In a flash! We’re going to have a baby! Possibly tomorrow morning.

1831. The invasion

When Isadore bit into the apple he had no idea how it would change his life. It was just an ordinary apple. Not a green Granny Smith, but one of those rosy red ones. They have a name, but goodness knows what the name was. It was the apple season so the fresh apple was crisp and crunchy.

Unbeknown to Isadore, there was a caterpillar buried deep in the apple and somehow he had avoided chewing the creature and had swallowed it whole. He was utterly unaware of what had happened.

The caterpillar however wasn’t just an ordinary caterpillar; it was a device created by aliens from another planet, and this was the beginning of their infiltration into planet Earth. Once swallowed this device would send back to the alien invaders every detail of Isadore’s life. And Isadore wasn’t alone in being investigated. There were dozens; in fact, hundreds; in fact, thousands; in fact, millions.

There wasn’t a detail the caterpillar wasn’t designed to gather. And Isadore and all the other victims were to be saddled unknowingly for the rest of their lives. It was an alien invasion. No one saw it come. No one saw it operate.

The alien’s name was Google.

1772. A close encounter

When the alien emerged from the cosmic transporter on my back lawn I honestly didn’t know where to look. It seemed to be all twiggy stems and long hanging seed pods; sort of like sea kelp on the end of a stick. It was hideous.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” it began. Sorry to bother me? I couldn’t imagine where the orifice was that was producing this dialogue. I couldn’t discern a face anywhere.

“I’m sorry to bother you but the facility in the cosmic transporter is blocked and I wondered if I could use your bathroom?”

Ah! There it was! A mouth that was moving. The words were definitely emanating from there. The alien seemed quite tall so I stood on tip-toe and addressed my answers towards the mouth. I couldn’t work out a nose or eyes or ears. Just this (really for the size of the alien) rather tiny mouth. No! There it was! A sort of nose that twitched a little, just above the mouth. And a couple of bumps on either side of the nose that I presumed were some sort of eyes. Or perhaps ears.

“You’d be most welcome,” I said. “The bathroom is just up those steps, across the porch, and to the immediate right as you step inside. You can’t miss it.” I tried to convey how welcome it was to use the bathroom by appearing friendly and speaking in an enthusiastic manner. It’s most disconcerting speaking to what looks like a pile of kelp. And so I smiled in a friendly way and addressed it directly close up to its face.

“You can’t miss it,” I repeated, whispering a little now in order to convey a certain confidence in the strange creature. I even managed to pat it in a non-condescending manner on the top of what I presumed was its head.

“Look!” said the alien, “I don’t mean to be rude but would you mind not staring so closely at my private parts.”