Tag Archives: alien

1965. Just down the corridor

(This is the fourth of seven days of Science Faction).

Bevan lived in a single bedroom apartment block. It’s not the living arrangement he would have preferred, but it would do for the time being. He was saving to buy a proper home, with a small garden and lawn, and proper neighbours over the fence – not neighbours who could be described as “a couple of doors down the corridor”.

It wasn’t long before he noticed Magdalene. Her apartment was on the same floor. She was always very pleasant when they passed. In fact, she was straight-out lovely. They seemed to be roughly the same age. Her clothes and makeup were always done to perfection. Her personality was bubbly. Her speech was music. In fact, Bevan used to keep his door slightly ajar so he wouldn’t miss her when she came home. He didn’t want to not accidentally have the pleasure of bumping into her.

There was only one thing for it: he would have to ask her out on a date. It should be nothing too formal like a meal at a fancy restaurant. Maybe a movie followed by a coffee in a café. Twice he walked passed her door but was too afraid to knock.

“Blow it!” he thought one late Sunday afternoon. “It’s now or never.” He strode along the corridor before he had time to chicken out. He knocked. The door opened.

Oh my God! Great Scot! It was disgusting! She had forgotten to put on her artificial face. Her head was a squirming ball of worms and maggots. This intergalactic alien wasn’t one person; she was a thousand.

“Hold it! I’ll just put on my face.” She disappeared for no more than thirty seconds. When she reappeared it was the lovely Magdalene once again. “Just don’t tell anyone,” she said.

And that is how Bevan was silenced into owning his own home with a small garden and lawn, and proper neighbours over the fence. His delightful spouse wears her artificial face all the time these days.

Except when she takes a shower.

1891. On talking to a telegraph pole

I’m constantly amazed at how stupid some space aliens really are. The other day I caught one having a conversation with a telegraph pole. A telegraph pole!

I said, “You’re talking to a telegraph pole you stupid idiot. It’s not a living thing; it’s just a pole for holding up wires. It’s inanimate.”

“Oh yeah,” it said. (I’m not sure with the aliens if it’s a girl or a boy. Possibly neither. I read, apparently they breed like mushrooms. Sort of clouds of spores. I’d better watch out! Ha ha!) It continued: “Perhaps if you tried talking to a telegraph pole yourself you’d realize they are not as inanimate as you might think. Here! Try it!”

“Hello telegraph pole. How are you today?” I said.

Suddenly there was a cloud of spores floating all around me. I said that these spores were like mushroom spores, but really it was like a pollen explosion in a pine forest. I was so immersed in the all-pervading floating pollen that I could hardly see the alien. It was smiling in a ghostly manner; it was mesmerizing. Quite frankly it was grotesque.

Anyway, I had to dash off home. I was so excited, as was my wife. I just realized something then and there. Poof! In a flash! We’re going to have a baby! Possibly tomorrow morning.

1831. The invasion

When Isadore bit into the apple he had no idea how it would change his life. It was just an ordinary apple. Not a green Granny Smith, but one of those rosy red ones. They have a name, but goodness knows what the name was. It was the apple season so the fresh apple was crisp and crunchy.

Unbeknown to Isadore, there was a caterpillar buried deep in the apple and somehow he had avoided chewing the creature and had swallowed it whole. He was utterly unaware of what had happened.

The caterpillar however wasn’t just an ordinary caterpillar; it was a device created by aliens from another planet, and this was the beginning of their infiltration into planet Earth. Once swallowed this device would send back to the alien invaders every detail of Isadore’s life. And Isadore wasn’t alone in being investigated. There were dozens; in fact, hundreds; in fact, thousands; in fact, millions.

There wasn’t a detail the caterpillar wasn’t designed to gather. And Isadore and all the other victims were to be saddled unknowingly for the rest of their lives. It was an alien invasion. No one saw it come. No one saw it operate.

The alien’s name was Google.

1772. A close encounter

When the alien emerged from the cosmic transporter on my back lawn I honestly didn’t know where to look. It seemed to be all twiggy stems and long hanging seed pods; sort of like sea kelp on the end of a stick. It was hideous.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” it began. Sorry to bother me? I couldn’t imagine where the orifice was that was producing this dialogue. I couldn’t discern a face anywhere.

“I’m sorry to bother you but the facility in the cosmic transporter is blocked and I wondered if I could use your bathroom?”

Ah! There it was! A mouth that was moving. The words were definitely emanating from there. The alien seemed quite tall so I stood on tip-toe and addressed my answers towards the mouth. I couldn’t work out a nose or eyes or ears. Just this (really for the size of the alien) rather tiny mouth. No! There it was! A sort of nose that twitched a little, just above the mouth. And a couple of bumps on either side of the nose that I presumed were some sort of eyes. Or perhaps ears.

“You’d be most welcome,” I said. “The bathroom is just up those steps, across the porch, and to the immediate right as you step inside. You can’t miss it.” I tried to convey how welcome it was to use the bathroom by appearing friendly and speaking in an enthusiastic manner. It’s most disconcerting speaking to what looks like a pile of kelp. And so I smiled in a friendly way and addressed it directly close up to its face.

“You can’t miss it,” I repeated, whispering a little now in order to convey a certain confidence in the strange creature. I even managed to pat it in a non-condescending manner on the top of what I presumed was its head.

“Look!” said the alien, “I don’t mean to be rude but would you mind not staring so closely at my private parts.”

1677. Stopping to recharge

When a fleet of alien spacecraft appeared over a hill outside Marco’s window, he was lucky enough to have his camera handy. Strangely, his camera jammed after the first shot was taken. It had never jammed before. However, all who saw the photograph agreed; it was the clearest snapshot to date of alien space craft.

These craft were more like flying bubbles than flying saucers. Extraordinary! One by one, in turn, each space craft settled on the electricity cables that swept down from the hilltop. Each craft would nestle on the wires for no longer than ten to fifteen seconds, and then would move to the side to allow the next bubble to, presumably, recharge.

When all was done, the fleet of craft came closer to Marco’s window, and while each bubble seemed to spin on its axis, the whole bunch twirled around like planets encircling a sun, and then… disappeared. It was as if they were saying goodbye to Marco. He was both excited, and more than a little bit moved, to have been chosen to be the witness to such an event. And, he added, they made a gentle whooshing sound.

Marco showed the photograph to his local member of Parliament who assured Marco it would be passed on to the appropriate experts. In the meantime, the photo on social media had gone through the roof.

About a week later the experts made an announcement: the photograph was fake. It had been tampered with by some graphics program. The bubbles were the result of manipulation. It was not a photograph of alien craft at all, but a humdrum picture fiddled with by a mindless idiot. Case settled.

Such an outcome was exactly what the aliens had intended.

1638. A friendly encounter

It’s time again to splash out with a bit of science fiction. Except this time it’s not fiction. It really happened so it’s more like science fact. It might read like fiction but as the saying goes, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” All I can say is that it happened to me and many would regard me as a man of veracity.

Recently an alien spacecraft landed on my back lawn. It was in the traditional flying saucer shape that many who make up stories like to portray the flying machines of aliens. Contrary to assorted popular accounts, this flying saucer did not leave any scorch marks on the grass of my lawn. Scorch marks are a piece of fictionary nonsense apparently.

I immediately went out onto my back porch to watch. (Silly me! I forgot to take my camera and I don’t have a clue how to take a photo with my phone. The only photo I have ever taken with my phone was quite by accident. It was mainly of my feet as I checked for any text messages while standing at a urinal). A door opened and out popped an alien. To be honest, it looked a bit spooky. More like what we conceive as a goblin; long pointy ears and a fairly long nose. It was very thin with long legs and wore green trousers and shirt. There was a neck piece in green and gold fabric sewn in triangles – a little like we might envisage Harlequin as wearing here on planet earth. (I mention this detail, not because I’m particularly interested in fashion, but because there might well be some readers who are. The accompanying picture is not a photograph of the event as already stated but an artist’s impression from the pen of a relatively talentless illustrator).

The alien approached me and my first thought was “How are we going to communicate if it doesn’t speak English?” The alien came prepared. By speaking through what looked like a large piece of cardboard with a plate-sized circular hole cut in the middle we were able to understand what each was saying. Immediately it said

Hlkj dflakj ljkhasdf kjalk jl sfgh likj alkjsa.

And I replied with

Ilkjetlkjb kl l’kjal ’lkjelk lkasdflkjalkj klkl lkkl kkga lkawpoije.

It then returned to the craft and flew off.

I was delighted to have been of help.

1514: Life on an exoplanet

Shauni and Campion were a fairly happily married couple. They were without offspring even though they had made repeated attempts on a fairly regular basis. That is why they volunteered to be the first people to visit an exoplanet inhabited by intelligent creatures: Shauni and Campion had no ties to Mother Earth.

How different things were on the exoplanet! Thank goodness there was plenty of food available; both animal and vegetable. The Gdtmzxpqians were nurtured via something akin to photosynthesis, so there was no competition for Shauni and Campion on the food chain. All in all their life was fairly interesting. The Gdtmzxpqians were peaceful creatures, although Shauni and Campion were unable to learn their extraordinary complex language. The problem was that the Gdtmzxpqians conveyed speech sounds by squelching their hands under their armpits – rather like young boys on Planet Earth when they wanted to make rude noises. The aliens’ mouths were openings solely for inhaling nitrogen.

After several months Shauni discovered she was expecting! What excitement! Everything was near perfect, except they were tired of being caged in the Gdtmzxpqian zoo.

1445. Graceful horses

Two horses were frolicking in the meadow. They were being watched by a vehicle parked near the side of the road. How graceful the horses were as they cavorted around!

“You’d think, considering their size,” said Rupert, “that they wouldn’t be able to stop in time before hitting the fence.”

“I wonder if they are exercising or playing a game,” said Anselm.

“It’s amazing!” said Rupert. “Such grace of movement! And how green the grass in the meadow! It’s idyllic!”

“It’s so lovely, so beautiful. I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life.”

“I wish we had horses like that at home,” said Rupert.

Anselm took a photograph, and then their spacecraft lifted off to begin the long journey back to their home planet. Such memories!

1370. Science friction

Jim White thought he might as well write a science fiction book. He did it, no trouble. It was published. The critics panned it. They said they’d never read anything so stupidly unscientific. If you’re going to write science fiction it still has to be based on scientific reality, they said.

Jim White laughed behind the palm of his hand. He was an undercover alien. He knew earthlings wouldn’t catch up with his science for another two and a half thousand years.

1275. Eruption

Well, I guess it had to happen. When I moved here several months ago to live “in the shadow of the volcano” I guess it’s the luck of the draw. For 163 years there hasn’t been a puff of smoke seen. And now, I move here, and WHOOOOF!

It’s amazing to see. Utterly spectacular! Very dark clouds of ash are partially blocking the sun, but it makes it look more like early dusk than darkness. There’s an eerie light. And silence. Occasionally a huge rock can be seen hurtling into the air and presumably crashing down somewhere.

Fortunately I’m far enough away to be safe, I believe. I can watch it all from my kitchen window. I’m too far away too, to hear the roar. I would imagine that closer to the mountain the noise would be thunderous.

It’s going to change forever the shape of our beautiful mountain. The shape of that mountain has been something of an icon for the people who live here. What the future sight of the mountain will be like is anyone’s guess. There goes a huge rock now! There doesn’t seem to be any lava flow that I can see, but I suppose there is. It is utterly exciting. And breath-taking. The power of nature!

The most astounding thing of all however is the alien space crafts that hover above the crater and then sink down, only to pop out again and disappear instantaneously once out. It looks like they are refuelling – something like that. They certainly know how to speed off when they emerge. One thing is for certain, they’re too fast for my camera. I’ve been snapping photos galore and thus far not a single photo has caught an alien craft.

In fact, apparently the aliens have left a message: Note the date – we’ll be back on this day next year.