2472. Mirror Mirror

The ugly, wicked Queen would look into the Mirror and ask “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

The Mirror would always respond with, “You are the most beautiful person on the planet, you gorgeous thing. When you look into the Mirror I reflect sunshine and rose petals, and hear the soft cooing of turtle doves.”

“Quite frankly,” responded the Queen as always, “I’m not surprised.”

When the ugly, wicked  Queen’s daughter, a real beautiful Princess, looked into the Mirror and asked the same question, the Mirror always responded the same: “Are you trying to crack me up, you ugly, lying, dog-faced pony soldier?”

When the ugly, wicked Queen died, which she eventually did, she took with her the knowledge that she was the most beautiful person in the world. Thank goodness she had purchased that Mirror from a second hand store when there was a sale on. It had brought much Truth and Honesty to her life.

What the ugly, wicked Queen never knew was that the Mirror had learnt its tricks off its first owner: a politician.

2471. Mr. B.B. Wolf

When Little Red Riding Hood bumped into the Big Bad Wolf in the forest she was very surprised.

“Goodness!” declared Little Red Riding Hood. “You are looking so tired, Mr. Wolf.”

“I’m feeling a bit exhausted, Little Red Riding Hood,” said the wolf. “I’ve spent all morning blowing houses down. First there was a house of straw and then a house of sticks. The third house, made of bricks, proved to be a real problem.”

Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf continued to chat away enthusiastically in the forest. Anyone who passed by would have been delighted to see how well the two got on.

In the end the Big Bad Wolf invited Little Red Riding Hood to his place for dinner.

“I’d love too!” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“That’s brilliant,” beamed the Wolf. “I do hope you like roast pork.”

2186. Traditional fairy stories

Once upon a time there were two children – a brother and sister – and their wonderful father, who was a king and wore his crown even to the toilet, remarried – to a woman who was really a witch and cut off the children’s legs with a saw so they couldn’t wander into the forest.

She told their father that a bear had chased them and she saved them just as the bear had bitten off their legs. The king was so pleased with his wife saving his two children that he took his crown off and plopped it on his wife’s head.

“From now on,” said the king, “we shall co-rule the kingdom together.”

To celebrate her promotion the wicked stepmother cut off the head of the boy. She then wiped blood all over the ermine she was wearing to make it look like she had been in a tussle with a tiger in an effort to save the boy.

Next she hung the girl upside down from the stubs of her legs and drilled a hole in her head so that blood dripped out until she died. Then she went to the king and told him that she had tried to resuscitate the girl but she was too late to stop the Prime Minister from his murderous intent.

“If I had more of my kingdom to give,” said the grateful king, “I would bestow it upon thee.”

“You mean to say you are keeping half the kingdom for yourself, you selfish monarch?” declared the wicked stepmother. She pulled out a pistol and shot the king in the head dead.

“I am the sole ruler of this kingdom now,” declared the widowed woman.

When the Prime Minister heard what she had done he had her tied up and burned on a huge fire that had been lit to celebrate the Kingdom’s National Day. Just before she burned to death she threw a fabric she had woven over the Prime Minister. It had magic qualities and he turned into a bat and infected everyone with a fatal virus. Then the wicked woman’s ashes were scattered down the hole in the castle’s outhouse and everyone lived happily ever after.

1627. Plummeting education

Dear Editor

I usually don’t write to the newspaper to vent my frustration, but enough is enough. I think that personal opinions are just that – opinions that should be kept to oneself. But I can’t hold back in this matter any longer. I see our education system plunging into a dark and bottomless abyss. Here are a few questions I would like to ask today’s young people. The paucity of correct replies should serve to emphasize the lack of cultural historicity being taught in today’s classroom.

1. What exactly was in Little Red Riding Hood’s basket? Was it buns or muffins or perhaps bagels? Was it scones? Or maybe it was little bottles of honey and various jams that she was taking to grandma. I am prepared to bet my bottom dollar that today’s generation will be lost for words when it comes to this aspect of our cultural heritage. I wouldn’t be at all surprised, given the lack of morality prevalent in today’s society, if some people suggest that Little Red Riding Hood had non-perishable goods in her basket. Pickled onions for example. Or even some sort of health food. That is what the world has come to. If students were taught properly what was really in Little Red Riding Hood’s basket then the world would be a better place.

2. Was the Big Bad Wolf that confronted Little Red Riding Hood the same wolf that hounded the Three Little Pigs? Teachers want us to believe that toxic males permeate society and are far more common than they really are. They think the world is full of nasty wolves like the Big Bad Wolf. And anyway, was the woodsman who in the end chopped off the head of the wolf as nice as some make out? What was the woodsman doing hovering around Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s house in the first place? The woodsman with the axe, not the Wolf, was oversexed and violent.

3. Why was Little Red Riding Hood wearing a hood? Was she ashamed of who she was? What uneducated person these days knows that the reason Little Red Riding Hood wore a hood was perhaps because she was Little Bo Peep in disguise. Or perhaps Goldilocks? Or Cinderella? Or Sleeping Beauty? Need I go on and on? Who is to say that Little Red Riding Hood wasn’t a toxic male such as Little Jack Horner trying to lure the Big Bad Wolf into sticking his thumb into a pie?

4. When Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater put his wife inside a pumpkin he wasn’t being nasty. Those were different times. There’s no need to rewrite history. One can only hope that the pumpkin had a kitchen sink.

Whatever happened to our fine education system when students were taught real answers to real questions? I bet you anything that few people these days know that getting a pail of water was the last thing on Jack and Jill’s mind when they went up the hill. Our world has indeed plummeted into savagery and barbarousness.

Yours faithfully
Old King Cole