3003. Death by cake mixer

Susan’s manner of death had no mystery about it. The coroner was quick to make a point: “Do not store heavy kitchen items high in the cupboard. The heavy cake mixer fell onto Susan’s head while she was trying to get it down from the shelf. It proved fatal.”

Yet as Susan’s husband, Maurice, said to Cecilia: “No need to book motels any more. It was a stroke of genius to afterwards put flour and various baking items on the kitchen bench. And to open the recipe book at the page on how to make Date Pudding.”

1745. Just like Granny used to make

There they were! Sitting on the supermarket shelf like they were a common everyday thing! And so cheap! Fergus couldn’t believe his eyes. He hadn’t seen gooseberries since his grandmother passed away about forty years earlier. Gooseberries! Memories of granny and gooseberry pie flooded back. Fergus grabbed the sole remaining package of the gooseberries and purchased them.

“I haven’t seen these in over forty years,” exclaimed Fergus to the checkout lady. “My granny used to make gooseberry pie, and since she died I’ve not tasted a crumb of gooseberry pie. I’m going straight home and going to look up on the internet how to bake a real homemade gooseberry pie just like granny used to make. This is a dream come true.”

“Plastic or paper?” asked the checkout lady.

“A paper bag please,” said Fergus. “I don’t want the gooseberries sweating and going flat-out mouldy in a plastic bag. I live a good hour and a half away and by the time I get home in this hot weather the gooseberries could be cooked. Have you ever eaten gooseberry pie?”

“I can’t say I have,” said the checkout lady.

“You haven’t lived until you have,” said Fergus. “My grandmother used to…”

“That’ll be a grand total of forty-eight dollars and twenty-seven cents for all your groceries,” said the checkout lady. “You paying with cash or…?”

“And worth every penny,” said Fergus. “My granny used to make a gooseberry pie – only when they were in season you understand. Back in those days people never had a freezer. Or at least most people didn’t have a freezer. Only the rich had freezers and they were hardly the type of people that would spend time out in the garden growing their own gooseberries.”

“Enjoy the rest of your day,” said the checkout lady.

“The gooseberry plants are very prickly I seem to remember. Granny used to send me out to the garden to…”

“Excuse me,” said the lady in the long line waiting behind Fergus, “but would you mind shutting up and getting a move on. You’re holding up the works.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” said Fergus picking up his several bags of groceries and making a hasty exit.

When he got home he discovered that in his haste he had left the gooseberries on the supermarket counter.

1630. Rum balls

Dear Innovative Housewife

Thank you so much for the wonderful Rum Balls recipe on your blog. I used it for the first time the other week and it was a hit. The family loved it. In fact I jokingly said that I wasn’t going to bake these Rum Balls ever again because they disappeared too fast!

The only change I made was that the recipe called for rum essence. I didn’t have any on hand so I used real rum. It worked a treat. So today I’m going to do it all again, except this time I’m going to double the rum and make it twice as good.

I wasn’t sure if rum went off, like wine, once the bottle was opened so I tried a wee sip and it seems to be alright. I careflea measured out the rum and it was the first thing I used because I dodn’t want hubby coming home and quaffing it down before I even added the flower. Yu can imadgine how I felled when I discovered there was only one teaspoon left in the bottle and you’re resipe cauled for too, so fourtunately we had some whiskey in the howse so I used that as well.

Then when it come to the frosting there was no whiskey so I used a bit of gin with a sprinkling of… of whatever that other stuff you said is called and it semed orright. Wee shell no wen hubby comes home and tacks a bight. Anyway I just wanded two tank you and say it is purfet. Its very layber intents so I’m thingking of havking it for the mane corse as well. The only thing is that to do that I will have to get to the shops to buy lots moore rum.

1604. Nanette’s double cockup

(I think I’m coming down with the flu or something – Southern Hemisphere winter! – so will be absent from the comments for a day or two…)

I mean, who would have thought? Nanette had made almond cookies a thousand times. She no longer needed the recipe. She could have made almond cookies with her eyes shut.

So this time (she could hardly believe it) she had omitted the flour. How could something like that happen? When she had rolled the cake mix into little balls in preparation for cooking, she thought it was strange. There seemed to be a lot less potential cookies than normal. Not to worry. A cookie is a cookie, be it twenty or ten in the cookie jar.

Nanette was catering for visitors, which is why she was baking. And they were important visitors; at least to Nanette they were important. Having so few cookies was a bit of a worry. She would whisk up a second batch, only this time she would use vanilla essence rather than almond. Besides, variety was the spice of life. Her visitors would be impressed that she provided almond AND vanilla cookies.

The dark liquid in a Worcestershire sauce bottle doesn’t greatly look like vanilla essence. Even the size of the bottles is gigantically different. But Nanette was in a hurry. She was running late. Both bottles were brown. She grabbed the Worcestershire sauce bottle and measured out a teaspoon.

Both lots of baked cookies looked delightful, especially once they were arranged on a rather ornate cake dish with a pattern of tomtits and roses. It was only then that Nanette realized both mistakes; the flour and the Worcestershire sauce.

Not to worry. Her guests arrived and there was little to fear; the table looked delightful, and the Queen of England never nibbled in public, especially when it came to finger food.