Tag Archives: murder

2587. A gruesome departure

Liam was absolutely horrified. He’d just seen his wife dead on the bed. Her body was twisted unnaturally. She must have died in utter agony. Her face was as purple as a purple grape. Her mouth looked like she had died in the middle of a scream. Her eyes were vacant and wide open. It was the most horrific thing Liam had ever seen.

He had no idea she would die in such torment when he gave her the poison.

2576. Here’s to your health

Ian told Mia, his wife, just how shocked he was with the news. The husband of his ex-wife had died suddenly. Ian was the last to know. “You’d think my kids would have mentioned it or something,” Ian told Mia. “After all the kids live with him and Mary most of the time.”

“I can’t believe he’s dead. He was here only last Monday to pick up the kids. He seemed fit as a fiddle. And to think he’d barely got home when he dropped dead. I must admit that I’d never warmed to him much, but it’s still a shock when something happens that you’re not expecting.”

“Thank goodness he didn’t do it when he was here. I wouldn’t have known what to do. I’m no good in an emergency. And then given what Vivian told me about him and what he did to her, I wouldn’t be surprised if I would not simply have stood there and watched him die.”

“Vivian said that the coroner reckoned it wasn’t an accident. He was poisoned or something. I don’t believe that for a minute. My ex-wife, Mary, is not like that. She wouldn’t have it in her. Besides, unlike me, she’s no good at chemistry and poisons and stuff.”

“One good thing about not been told he’d kicked it was that I didn’t feel compelled to go to the funeral.  It was all over before I could blink. On a lighter note I offered him a beer when he came for the kids. He took it and given that he dropped dead about thirty minutes after I can’t help but think it was a waste of bloody good beer.”

2573. An immensely ordinary day

It was one of those immensely ordinary days where nothing happens and then…

John was out weeding the garden – his beans to be precise – and Natalia was busy in the kitchen making cabbage and bacon bones soup to freeze for the winter. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes Natalia could be out weeding the garden and John could be in the kitchen whipping up a soup for freezing.

A car slowly went by on the road. Natalia came out to the garden.

“Did you see that car go slowly passed? It’s done it twice.”

“No. I didn’t notice.”

John stood to look.

“Here it comes a third time. It”

2572. A lonely day

The Police Officer knocked on Mason’s door.

Come in, Officer. Come in. Take a seat. To be honest, today has been the loneliest day of my life. My wife left me – permanently she said – around 9.30 this morning. Walked  out. Just like that. As far as I can ascertain she didn’t even take a change of clothes. A car – I don’t have a clue whose it was – pulled up at the curb. Iris got in and the car drove off. That is all I know.

After she had gone I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t had breakfast so I had breakfast. Of course I didn’t eat much as I wasn’t hungry, but they say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I had a couple of pieces of toast with marmalade. Actually only one had marmalade. I had honey on the second one.

I then walked down the street with her bankcard. She didn’t take it, but I wanted to check if she had used it and maybe we could find out where she had gone to. When I checked on the card all the money had been taken out. Not a dime left. Obviously she had planned to leave me. I knew the bank teller, and she told me that the money had been taken out yesterday.

Yes, Officer. I’d be happy for you to make a report for a missing person, although she left freely and I suppose it is a bit of a misnomer to call her missing. A walked-out walked-off report would be better, if you make such a thing.

Thank you for coming around Officer. May I see you to the door?

The Officer left. Thank goodness he didn’t think to  look under the bed.

2571.  Body on the lawn

Lucas didn’t have to be the brightest star in the sky to know that the dead body lying on his lawn with a severed head had not been put there by himself.

It was the body of his neighbour, Barney Parker. Lucas couldn’t say he was sad. Barney Parker had had an affair with Lucas’ late wife a few years back. And now, there was Barney’s body and severed head lying slap bang on his lawn. It was, in Lucas’ view, poetic justice.

The trouble was Lucas wasn’t that keen to call the police. He’d spent considerable time in prison not long after his wife had passed on. If he called the police they might easily think he was the number one suspect.

The mystery of why the body was on the lawn deepened. Lucas dragged Barney’s body into the garden shed and locked the door. It was where he had left it in the first place.

2566. Corvette covetousness

Elias dumped his wife’s murdered copse in the river while on the way to inform the police that his wife had gone missing.

It was mid-afternoon. His wife had been to town in the morning doing this and that. She had taken the Corvette, which was Elias’s pride and joy. When he had bought it the advertisement described it as “The eighth-generation Corvette, bold and breath-taking; a beautifully sculpted mid-engine sports car with potent aerodynamics, slicing the air with sheer precision.” Many a time had Elias warned her not to take the Corvette but to take her Buick. But oh no! The Corvette turned many a head; the Corvette made a big splash – especially when Lily drove it over the bank on the way home and into the river.

Thank goodness she was safe, but the car was totally submerged.  Elias was not pleased when she walked into the house dripping wet and announced that the Corvette was now in the river.

That was when Elias saw red, and in his rage murdered Lily with the frying pan he was holding. He had to use the Buick to dump her body in the river. There was nothing to say she wasn’t thrown from the Corvette, whacked her head on a rock, and drowned.

In the end that was exactly what the forensic pathologist concluded.

The whole unwholesome affair has had one big drawback; in the days around the ensuing funeral Elias has to drive around in Lily’s crummy Buick.

2562. Can you pick me up?

Benjamin was not a happy-chappie when he saw where Nora his wife had been on the computer. No wonder she spent hours sitting and “just watching a movie”. Movie indeed!  Nora had caught the bus to Woodsville, a neighbouring town, to visit an old school friend. An old school friend indeed! That’s not what the emails on the computer said. This Mateo in Woodsville seemed quite a heart throb.

A text arrived on Benjamin’s phone. It was from Nora. She had missed the bus so could he come the several miles and pick her up? She would begin to walk, but it could take several hours.

Off Benjamin went. He picked Nora up and they returned home. Now he had a problem: what to do with the body?

2559.  Blue murder

Axel considered variety to be the spice of life. His first three murders were done with a poisonous point of his umbrella. After that he moved onto severing heads with a machete.

Now he was seeking something new; something original and exciting.

He posted a question on social media: What’s a creative way to do a murder? The response was overwhelming. There were hundreds of suggestions. Axel made a list. That should keep him going for quite some time. And there was no need to do the same thing twice, let alone three times.

Meanwhile his wife, Alice, asked on the same media if anyone had a fail-safe recipe for chocolate brownies?  Chocolate? Brownies? Alice was banned from social media. She should realize that you can’t get away with blue murder.

2554. Dylan self-combusts

Leah wasn’t at all surprised when her husband, Dylan, self-combusted. They had not long finished dinner and were sitting in armchairs watching an old episode of “I Love Lucy”. Leah mentioned that such an episode would never appear on television now because some of the characters were smoking cigarettes. Dylan said “That’s stupid. That makes me really angry” and then he self-combusted.

POOF! and there was left only a little pile of ash on the armchair. Leah had a difficult time explaining to the police exactly what had happened. Police Officer Plod said he thought self-combustion was a little bit unusual. In fact in his thirty-five years in the police force he’d never encountered it before. Leah looked at the little pile of ash on the armchair. She couldn’t believe it.

“It was like one of those electric car batteries in Florida that got wet and exploded,” said Leah. But Police Officer Plod didn’t have a clue what she was talking about because he never watched the News. “The electric car batteries got wet in the hurricane and exploded,” said Leah before realizing that her analogy wasn’t really helpful, and besides, Dylan’s self-combustion wasn’t anything like a 15 to 20 thousand dollar electric car battery exploding in the wet. “What are we meant to do with these ashes?” bemoaned Leah.

Police Officer Plod got a dustpan and brush. “Look Leah, we usually cannot ignore the fact that a husband has disappeared. I’m going to make an exception. In this case we shall simply sweep it under the carpet.”

The next day Leah and Police Officer Plod got married.

2551. Chemistry! Yawn!

Mr. Thomas Bonnington had the reputation of being the most boring teacher in the school – and he knew it. He taught Chemistry. You knew that the pupils who were yawning in his class were the few who weren’t asleep.

It came as a great relief to the class – and to Mr. Bonnington – when Sebastian Wyatt put his hand up in the air and asked, “What is the most efficient and undetectable chemical to use in a murder?”

The class woke up. Mr. Thomas Bonnington was pleased that at last someone had expressed an interest in Chemistry. In fact, he spent the whole class on it in considerable detail. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to teach a class that was alert. May he rest in peace.