1833. The story of a little painting

Wendy Wharton had three children and not a great amount in her bank account to feed them. She worked part-time in a beauty salon. To get a few extra pennies she painted brightly coloured pictures of Mediterranean houses that had window boxes of geraniums. She had a small stall at the market on Saturdays. Her little works of art, usually painted on slabs of wood, were quite popular. Each cost five dollars. At one stage she increased the price and sales slumped, so she went back to selling them for five dollars each.

Wendy’s great moment of glory came when the internationally renowned film star and model, the incomparable Magdalene Cullum, was about to pass by Wendy’s stall. Magdalene paused. She stopped. She purchased the five dollar work of art! It was a small painting of a house near the sea with a little sailing boat skimming in the sunshine. Wendy was rather fond of it herself. “Thank you. I hope it enjoys its new home,” said Wendy.

Several years later the same little painting appeared for sale online. It sold for over five thousand. Of course its value rested on the fact that it had been pre-loved by the internationally renowned film star and model, the incomparable Magdalene Cullum. Who wouldn’t want something, no matter how insignificant, once owned by Magdalene? Everything Magdalene touched turned to gold.

You can get a similar painting for five dollars down at the market on Saturdays. But it hasn’t been touched by a film star.

1504: Prenuptial agreement

It was the ravishing, rich film star who insisted on a prenuptial agreement. I’m not having an ordinary plumber, such as the person I’m engaged to, running off with most of my money just because he married into wealth, said the ravishing, rich film star. As far as I’m concerned he can keep the car and boat, and get quarter of the cash. The rest will be mine.

The plumber was not at all happy with the prospect of a prenuptial agreement. It implies, he said, that you don’t think the marriage will last. I’d prefer to get nothing at all in the unlikely event of a divorce, rather than have a prenuptial agreement.

But the ravishing, rich film star had her way. Ten months later, when the marriage collapsed in a heap of rubble, the plumber (whose name was Jack) got the car, the boat, and quarter of the cash.

Fair is fair, said the ravishing, rich film star. What she didn’t know was that before the marriage the plumber had piles and piles of filthy lucre. He was ten times richer than the ravishing, rich film star. The difference was, he’d never thought to tell the ravishing, rich film star.

It was the plumber’s fourth marriage.

1435. Demise of a film star

The legendary film star, Fortescue Langworthy, has died aged 97. What an icon!

Two years ago he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Two months back he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and has been receiving experimental treatment in Mexico. He had just returned from Mexico when he came down with pneumonia.

The family have asked for privacy at this sad time.

The cause of death is unknown.

1188. In hot water

Imelda was adamant. She reckoned that instant coffee tasted ten times better if the kettle was switched off just before boiling. “One degree under boiling, and the coffee tastes best,” she said.

Bradford, the husband of Imelda, disagreed. “Water that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it tastes best,” he said.

Anyway, they got a divorce over irreconcilable differences. The three kids – Guava, Banana, and Ugli Fruit – were farmed out, and Imelda and Bradford got on with their movie careers.

776. Film star

Melinda and Gerard were walking along the street with their Mum and Dad. Suddenly Dad stopped walking, just before they reached a café that sprawled out on the street.

“Look!” said Dad to Mum, “That’s Claudine, the movie star!”

“Which one? Which one?” said Melinda excitedly, and before you could blink Melinda was standing at the film star’s table.

“My Daddy says you’re a famous film star,” said Melinda.

“Hello,” said Claudine kindly. “What is your name?”

“My name is Melinda, and this is my doll called Cindy.”

“Do you have any other dolls?” asked the film star.

“No,” said Melinda, divulging more family secrets than she need. “We don’t have much money, so I have only one doll.”

Several days later a parcel arrived in the mail for Melinda. It was from the famous film star, Claudine.

“Dear Melinda,” said the letter. “This is my old rag doll from when I was small. Her name is Molly. I know you will love her as much as I did. From your friend, Claudine. XXX.”

Now that Melinda’s brother Gerard is all grown up, he’s seen every porn movie Claudine starred in.

Listen to the story being read HERE!