2597. Toot toot!

When Great-Uncle Ezekiel died in his bed at home, Christian knew exactly what needed to be done immediately. Great-Uncle Ezekiel kept all his money stuffed in his mattress. It had to be rescued before Aunt Emma and Cousin Charlotte arrived.

Dragging Great-Uncle Ezekiel off the bed and onto the floor, Christian began to stuff a pillow case (slip) with every bit of paper money he could find. He ended up with two pillow cases chock-a-block with hundred dollar notes (bills).

Dashing out to his car with the pillow cases he opened the boot (trunk) and then changed his mind. Aunt Emma and Cousin Charlotte would know the money had gone missing and would accuse Christian and look in the boot of his car. Christian acted quickly. He opened the bonnet (hood) and squeezed the pillow cases in. He slammed the bonnet shut. When he left he would drive a kilometre (mile) or so, stop and rescue the money before it caught on fire.

The first thing Aunt Emma and Cousin Charlotte wanted to know when they arrived was how come Great-Uncle Ezekiel was lying on the floor.

He’d had a fit, said Christian. It was his last movement before lifelessness set in.

And what happened to the money in the mattress? questioned Aunt Emma. Christian declared that he didn’t have a clue.

What a rigmarole it was getting a doctor to certify the death, and getting the police to ascertain that there was no foul play, and getting the undertaker to cart the body away.

At last Christian was free to leave. He carefully drove a couple of kilometres, opened the bonnet, and… there was nothing there.

Here comes Aunt Emma and Cousin Charlotte along the road in their old jalopy.

“Toot! Toot!” they went as they passed. “Toot toot! Toot toot!”

2522. Smarty Pants

Dear Parents and Caregivers

What a successful fundraising event our Gala Day was! We raised over three thousand dollars for gymnasium equipment.

I wish to announce the winner of the “Guess-the-number-of-Smarties-in-the-Jar” (aka “Guess-the-number-of-M&Ms-in-the-Jar”) competition. As you probably know the prize for the right guess is twenty-five dollars. It was a very popular fund-raiser and over five hundred (mainly children) entered the guessing game. There were very few entries sharing the same number.

I am told the official number was 1,561 Smarties in the jar. What nonsense! That was perhaps the case with the old mathematics. In these more enlightened times every child is correct. All numbers are right depending upon how mathematics is done. Nor should we be keen to put a child down. It would be humiliating. All entries are winners.

I have instructed the organizers to give each entry twenty-five dollars. The accountant says that would come to over twelve and a half thousand dollars which is more than the money raised. Again, what nonsense! That may have been the case under the old mathematics but these days we are more liberated. With the new mathematics there is something for each winner and enough left over to purchase a good amount of gymnasium equipment.

On a lighter note, not knowing what to do with the jar of Smarties, my wife and I decided to enjoy them ourselves – all 1,561 of them.

Leonardo Goldsworthy
Principal

2498. Inheritance

John-Claude was a widower. He had one child, a son called Peter. His son was the epitome of laziness, but nonetheless John-Claude tried to cheer him (unsuccessfully) into doing some work.

John-Claude’s property was a few acres with a couple of cows and a few goats and a pet pony. The cottage was straight out of a book of fairy-tale illustrations, with a beautiful garden of hollyhocks and petunias and grape vines that ran around the thatched eaves. Things always seemed to be in flower!

John-Claude had a sneaky suspicion that he was on his last legs. He was getting on. “I think I hear an approaching death rattle,” he told his son. Well! Was the son excited or what! He suggested to his father that all should be put in his, the son’s, name. That way, there would be little to worry about when the dreaded moment arrived. John-Claude did that. The house and property was now in Peter’s name. All John-Claude need now do was die.

But he didn’t.

Son Peter was annoyed as anything. He still did no work, but the place was looking nice because John-Claude still laboured hard. In fact the relationship between father and son was more slave to slave owner. Peter made his father sleep out in the garden shed. He didn’t want to be woken with a racket in the early mornings when John-Claude rose to do some work on the property.

John-Claude developed an idea. For years he had been friends with the bank manager. They had been Friday-night drinking companions at the pub for yonks. The bank manager printed off a pretend document. It was a bank statement. It said that John-Clause had eleven million eight hundred and seventy-two dollars and seventeen cents in his account. John-Claude accidentally left it on the dining table.

After that son Peter worked his guts out. He couldn’t have been more helpful, more cheerful, harder working. John-Claude reverted to occasionally pottering in the garden as befits a retired gentleman. The place retained its picture-postcard look thanks to Peter’s back-breaking efforts.

Eventually, when John-Claude died, the fortune-expecting lazy son discovered there was zilch to inherit.

2479. Carolyn’s propensity

Carolyn had every reason to celebrate. She phoned up the most expensive restaurant in town and booked a table for one.

It had taken a few years to achieve her goal, and at last it had happened. Her marriage to widower Clifford was her second marriage. Some thought she had married for money. Clifford was a multi-millionaire, mainly through inheritance from his rich parents. He was much older than Carolyn. She had presumed he would hold on for a few years and then upon his sad demise she would inherit the fortune.  He had very much kept financial control in the marriage, and now… yippee!

For two years Carolyn had replaced Clifford’s blood-thinning pills with placebos. The pills were to prevent a stroke; and now a stroke had happened, and a serious one at that. He hadn’t died but he was rendered unable to help himself. He was put into permanent care. It couldn’t have worked out better for Carolyn; his pension would still come in. It wasn’t enough to live on, but over and above the huge amount of interest from his riches the small government pension was simply the icing on the cake. Carolyn would devote his pension to the purchase of knick-knacks – and dining out.

And what a lovely evening she had! The meal was superb. The restaurant was splendid. The service was exceptional. She would definitely return at a later date. It would be the perfect place to bring Ricardo. Ricardo was a widower. He was a multi-millionaire and much older than Carolyn.

2463. One needs enough to be secure

(Another story today! I shall post music over the weekend if I can get myself organized – which I’m finding harder to do by the day! I’ve got so many irons in the fire that life is a dog’s breakfast.)

We all knew that Great Uncle Menzies was “comfortable” but we never knew how comfortable. He lived a fairly ascetic life. His favourite saying was “One doesn’t need to be rich; all one needs is enough to be secure.”

When he died we were asked if we would contest the will – we were after all his only relatives and he had left everything to the Mount Ararat Ark of the Flood Church. Not that it would come to much, and Great Uncle Menzies was a lovely man so why ruin his generosity after he’s dead?

Yesterday the Mount Ararat Ark of the Flood Church announced they were building a multi-storey skyscraper in downtown New York. Goodness, they must’ve run into some money.

2402. Fate made me do it

Freddie took a ticket in the lottery every week. This week was a bit different. The lottery first prize was 28 million, but Freddie’s budget was a bit tight. He decided to forgo buying a ticket.

He always used the same numbers, and hated the thought of not buying a ticket and his numbers coming in. So off he went to get his groceries. He would spend carefully. As he passed the lottery outlet on the way in to the supermarket he was tempted but issued a stern warning to himself. He most definitely would NOT buy a ticket.

On the way out of the shop he was tempted once again, but said no. And then a strange thing happened in the car park. He had placed his groceries in the car, and then as if he was a robot being driven by remote control he returned to the shop and handed the lottery person his numbers. It was almost an out-of-body experience. As he paid for the ticket Freddie couldn’t help but think it was beyond his control. Some Fate or Providence had taken over. The twelve dollars he gave to pay for his usual numbers saw his wallet empty for the next seven days.

That evening the lottery numbers were drawn on television. Freddie didn’t watch. He knew the Fates had something in store for him. He would check the numbers in the morning. News of success the night before would keep him awake all night. It was prudent to go to bed at a regular hour and reap gold in the morning.

The morning came. Freddie checked his ticket. He hadn’t won a jolly thing.

2322. A moment in the life of Felix

Felix regarded Great-aunt Stella’s advice as utterly insensitive. Great-aunt Stella had said to Felix, “You can reach for the stars”. Didn’t she know he was blind?

As time went on, Felix became more and more upset at Great-aunt Stella’s insensitivity. How can one reach for the stars if one can’t see them? In a moment of extreme fume he managed to steal Great-aunt Stella’s handgun out of her purse. When she came into the room he fired in her general direction and shot the chandelier to smithereens. (They were very rich)

“What the hell is going on?” asked Great-uncle Vladimir.

“Oh,” said Felix, “I thought you were Great-aunt Stella.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said Great-uncle Vladimir. “I’ve already stabbed her in the kitchen with the carving knife.”

“How can you have done that,” asked Felix, “when you are in a wheelchair?”

Before he could answer, Felix pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.

There was a great splash followed by a moment’s silence.

“Now I can get the money,” said Felix.

Then Great-uncle Vladimir said, “I never cared for the fish in that aquarium anyway.”

(Explanation: Great-aunt Stella had been stabbed to death by Great-uncle Vladimir. Great-uncle Vladimir and Felix had planned to murder Great-aunt Stella and enjoy her enormous riches. But she left all in her will to her tropical fish.)

2315. A bad week

From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side. He’d had a shocking week, to put things mildly. His wife had run off with Buck Moxon and she wasn’t coming back. Buck Moxon was a local truck driver noted for his philandering.

Then his fridge had broken down and needed replacing. He really didn’t have enough money to do that but a fridge is a fridge and he needed to store his milk and beer somewhere. The only good thing about the broken fridge was when Buck Moxon came to collect the wife’s stuff Danny Hicks said “You might as well take the fridge” so Buck Moxon did.

That was before Buck Moxon’s lawyer tried to take everything Danny owned. After that Danny swore that if he ever saw Buck Moxon again he’d shoot him point blank in the head. He usually carried a hand gun.

Anyway, Danny thought he’d spend a couple of dollars in the casino to take his mind off things. From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side; Buck Moxon was playing the slot machine right next to the door.

2307. The case of Estelle

Ernest had married for money. Sure, he loved Estelle, but it was her riches he was more attracted to. Not that she minded. She was born a billionaire and being legally married meant she wasn’t chased all the time for her money once she had been caught. Ernest served a useful purpose.

Over time affection slowly deepened. But Ernest was the jealous sort, and he became suspicious of Estelle. Was she having an affair? Where was she going when she went out? Why was she sometimes gone for hours?

He decided to have her followed. What was discovered amazed Ernest. He was gobsmacked.

Unfortunately I am not at liberty to reveal what it was. Let’s just say that Ernest knew enough to plan a fatal accident.

2242. Cultural appreciation

There I was going on fifteen years and part of a scheme whereby we Portuguese youths get “adopted out” for a year with a family overseas. It is a way of exploring and appreciating other cultures. This is the second time I have been accepted for the scheme. The first time I went to Germany, and the second time I went to the United States; North Dakota to be precise. The American family are very well off, in fact very rich indeed, and have a daughter just two years younger than me. Believe me, she’s an absolute brat.

I’d been in North Dakota a little longer than a month when I was kidnapped and taken away and held in secret. Naturally my parents were out of their tree with worry, and my host family were exceedingly distraught and over time offered my parents monetary compensation for my apparent demise. Of course, money wouldn’t bring me back, but the host family was sparing nothing to show their concern. My parents accepted the money as a way of recognizing the genuine concern shown by the host family.

Now a problem has arisen. For my next adopting out to a foreign family I want to go to Greece, but my parents think we’d get more money if I went to Argentina.