Tag Archives: money

2322. A moment in the life of Felix

Felix regarded Great-aunt Stella’s advice as utterly insensitive. Great-aunt Stella had said to Felix, “You can reach for the stars”. Didn’t she know he was blind?

As time went on, Felix became more and more upset at Great-aunt Stella’s insensitivity. How can one reach for the stars if one can’t see them? In a moment of extreme fume he managed to steal Great-aunt Stella’s handgun out of her purse. When she came into the room he fired in her general direction and shot the chandelier to smithereens. (They were very rich)

“What the hell is going on?” asked Great-uncle Vladimir.

“Oh,” said Felix, “I thought you were Great-aunt Stella.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said Great-uncle Vladimir. “I’ve already stabbed her in the kitchen with the carving knife.”

“How can you have done that,” asked Felix, “when you are in a wheelchair?”

Before he could answer, Felix pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.

There was a great splash followed by a moment’s silence.

“Now I can get the money,” said Felix.

Then Great-uncle Vladimir said, “I never cared for the fish in that aquarium anyway.”

(Explanation: Great-aunt Stella had been stabbed to death by Great-uncle Vladimir. Great-uncle Vladimir and Felix had planned to murder Great-aunt Stella and enjoy her enormous riches. But she left all in her will to her tropical fish.)

2315. A bad week

From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side. He’d had a shocking week, to put things mildly. His wife had run off with Buck Moxon and she wasn’t coming back. Buck Moxon was a local truck driver noted for his philandering.

Then his fridge had broken down and needed replacing. He really didn’t have enough money to do that but a fridge is a fridge and he needed to store his milk and beer somewhere. The only good thing about the broken fridge was when Buck Moxon came to collect the wife’s stuff Danny Hicks said “You might as well take the fridge” so Buck Moxon did.

That was before Buck Moxon’s lawyer tried to take everything Danny owned. After that Danny swore that if he ever saw Buck Moxon again he’d shoot him point blank in the head. He usually carried a hand gun.

Anyway, Danny thought he’d spend a couple of dollars in the casino to take his mind off things. From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side; Buck Moxon was playing the slot machine right next to the door.

2307. The case of Estelle

Ernest had married for money. Sure, he loved Estelle, but it was her riches he was more attracted to. Not that she minded. She was born a billionaire and being legally married meant she wasn’t chased all the time for her money once she had been caught. Ernest served a useful purpose.

Over time affection slowly deepened. But Ernest was the jealous sort, and he became suspicious of Estelle. Was she having an affair? Where was she going when she went out? Why was she sometimes gone for hours?

He decided to have her followed. What was discovered amazed Ernest. He was gobsmacked.

Unfortunately I am not at liberty to reveal what it was. Let’s just say that Ernest knew enough to plan a fatal accident.

2242. Cultural appreciation

There I was going on fifteen years and part of a scheme whereby we Portuguese youths get “adopted out” for a year with a family overseas. It is a way of exploring and appreciating other cultures. This is the second time I have been accepted for the scheme. The first time I went to Germany, and the second time I went to the United States; North Dakota to be precise. The American family are very well off, in fact very rich indeed, and have a daughter just two years younger than me. Believe me, she’s an absolute brat.

I’d been in North Dakota a little longer than a month when I was kidnapped and taken away and held in secret. Naturally my parents were out of their tree with worry, and my host family were exceedingly distraught and over time offered my parents monetary compensation for my apparent demise. Of course, money wouldn’t bring me back, but the host family was sparing nothing to show their concern. My parents accepted the money as a way of recognizing the genuine concern shown by the host family.

Now a problem has arisen. For my next adopting out to a foreign family I want to go to Greece, but my parents think we’d get more money if I went to Argentina.

2116. Winner takes all

When Heidi won the lottery there wasn’t a thing she wasn’t going to do! Forty-nine million! A car! A house! A gardener! A spa! A trip! But nothing would be rushed. Things would have to be done methodically and sensibly. Wait a week before doing a thing.

She went to the tourist place and got some glossy pamphlets. Bermuda looked enticing. And Bali. There was the whole of Europe of course; she’d never done that. Nor had she been to the Grand Canyon. So much to see and do and not a worry in the world.

The house had to be lovely, but it would be sensible not to have it too big. After all, she lived alone. Heidi went to the Real Estate agent and got a pile of glossy pamphlets from there too. Two bedrooms only perhaps, both with their own on suite, and another bathroom available for casual visitors should the need arrive.

Oh, and an oven to die for! Heidi loved to cook, even though it was usually just for herself, but now and again she splashed out and invited friends, or took some prepared food to some gathering or other. Oven pamphlets and kitchen aplliances!

The glossy junk mail that used to be hurriedly perused was now read in detail with a passion. There were things in there that Heidi had never considered before.

The possibilities to consider went on and on. There would be plenty to fill in time in the self-imposed week of waiting.

Now all she need do was get a lottery ticket.

2069. Last words

I’ve been lying on my back in this coffin for three days now. I hate lying on my back. The coffin’s in a spare room at my sister’s house. Can’t feel a thing of course but I can still see and hear. My sister keeps “coming for a look”. She’s forever shutting my eyes. Last thing I heard her say was, “He keeps opening his eyes. It’s so grotesque having a dead person stare back at you.” Little does she know.

I dare say soon they’ll be putting the lid on permanently. That’ll be a relief. I’m tired of people “coming for a look”. Just yesterday my old Aunt Madge called in and said while peering into the coffin, “He never did much with his life, did he?” To which Uncle Vernon added, “In some ways it’s a mercy he’s dead. Can’t wait to get my hands on all that money though.”

Just an hour or so ago, I heard Milly Blinkers (she’s a cousin – or was) say, “They reckon he had so much money he didn’t know what to do with it. I suppose he didn’t leave a will?” She’s always been money-grabbing, that Milly cousin. Well, for the record I did leave a will, and Milly’s not getting a penny. I was dying to say that out loud to her, but corpses can’t breathe or move so that put an end to that.

I have no idea why my accountant needed to call in before the funeral. He had a look at me and said to my sister, “We’ll talk things over in the next room.” I dare say he was hoping to get a sizeable chunk of my savings. As my late mother used to say, “It never takes long for the vultures to come out of the woodwork.” She was always mixing her metaphors – my mother.

Here they come now to put the lid on. They’re all giving the undertaker a hand. Oh such a tearful moment! That’ll be all from me for now – in fact, forever. It’s a shame I don’t have a few minutes more. I’d die wanting to hear their reaction when they discover there’s not a penny in my bank account.

2013. Don’t count your chickens

Maree was trying to instil into nine-year old Vincent a sense of the value of money. He must learn to work and save and spend. Since they lived on a small life-style block Maree came up with an idea based on their living conditions: if Vincent fed and looked after their poultry she would buy the eggs off him. It was quite simple: Maree and Vincent’s father would continue to buy the feed for the poultry, but the rest was over to Vincent. She would pay him thirty cents an egg. There were only three hens, but with careful saving money over a reasonably short space of time things could build up into a handy little nest egg.

Three eggs a day! Not quite a dollar a day! Almost seven dollars a week! Roughly 27 dollars a month!

For two months Vincent acted as a faithful chicken farmer.

“Have you spent anything of your savings yet?” asked proud Maree.

“Nothing yet,” said Vincent. But he had learnt and done a few things. He had gone to a local poultry farm and they had given him an old rooster.

“Is that crowing I hear coming from the hen house?” asked Maree.

“When there’s no rooster,” said Vincent knowledgeably, “sometimes a hen will start crowing like a rooster.”

After several weeks Vincent started going to the grocery store and buying a carton of eggs. He would sell his mother three eggs a day. In the meantime his three broody hens were sitting on a dozen eggs each!

When his money ran out, Vincent announced that his hens were moulting and not producing eggs, so Maree began to buy eggs from the shop.

Within a few months there were more than thirty hens and roosters scampering around the life-style block.

“What’s all this chicken food I’m having to buy?” asked Vincent’s father.

Within a few weeks more Vincent was able to sell his mother a dozen eggs a day. Not that she needed that many eggs, but she passed some to her sister and some to her mother. Now and again Vincent would get a bonus – five dollars for a freshly killed and plucked rooster.

“Well,” said Vincent’s father to Maree, “I think your little money education plan worked. From now on he can buy his own chicken feed.”

By the age of eleven, Vincent was selling fresh eggs to fifteen different households.

1989. Daughter memories

It was a tragedy when Diana and Mansell’s seven-year-old daughter, Destiny, died. It had been a medical mistake. Destiny had gone in “for a little operation” and the surgeon had left a sponge inside her when he sewed up. Destiny died.

Diana and Mansell were, of course, heart-broken.

“We have to sue the doctor,” declared Mansell. “We have to sue the hospital. We have to sue the Health Board. We have to sue…”

“I think we should remember little Destiny and the happy times,” said Diana. “To sue would simply extend our grieving forever.”

”It’s not the money,” said Mansell. “It’s the principle. We don’t want this happening again.”

“I think we can rest assured that it won’t happen again, whether we sue or not,” said Diana. “I would prefer to remember Destiny the happy way she was.”

But Mansell went on and on. He wouldn’t let the topic drop. Whenever Destiny’s name was mentioned he went on about the irresponsibility of the doctors and the nurses and the hospitals.

It was impossible for Diana to ever share memories of their daughter with her husband without a diatribe. It lasted a lifetime.

1988. Granny’s gift

It was the year 2064. Mary (such an old-fashion, uncreative name for the 2060s) had come across some old (really old) family videos. They were in a box in the attic. At first she didn’t know what they were. Then a friend suggested they were videos and Mary spent quite some time going from expert to expert to find out how they should be played. Eventually a state-of-the-art studio managed to copy them for Mary onto her Clockdropia.

The first one she watched was labelled “The Family – 1991”. Mary didn’t recognize anyone in it, and presumed (even though the house with the attic where they were found had been in the family for generations) that the video was not of her own family.

The second video was more revealing. Mary recognized her late grandmother when her grandmother appeared to be in her teens. Grandmother was holding paper bags, and in them she said were wads of money. “Wads and wads of money. I’ll show you where I’m going to hide them so that a person in the future who finds and watches this video is welcome to get the money and become instantly rich!”

Would you believe! The paper bags were under a loose floorboard in the corridor cupboard. It was a miracle the house hadn’t burnt down accidentally or that the house hadn’t been sold or that someone hadn’t accidentally stumbled across the bags of money while returning the vacuum cleaner to the corridor cupboard. Mary went to the cupboard immediately.

There underneath the floorboards were bags. Inside each bag was an unbelievable pile of money. Mary counted it. It came to just over four hundred thousand dollars!

Goodness! It was 2064. What does one do with worthless paper money? Mary chucked everything into the dumpster.

1987. The number of toffees

(Note: I wrote this story four months prior to the Presidential Election in the United States. Being a foreigner I was not keen to meddle in American politics, but didn’t want the occasion to pass without a story. Hence, today’s story doesn’t take sides. In fact, as you will see, it possibly has nothing to do with the election. I’m not actually trying to make a point – this was posted even before voting began!)

You might think that organizing a simple “Guess the number of toffees in the jar” competition at the local fair was a pretty easy task. Not so! People paid a good five dollars to enter, the prize being a vehicle donated by a nearby car manufacturer. It was all for a good cause. The children’s hospital needed forty new beds, and the locals had got together and organized a fair.

Pauline was in charge. Her cousin, Michael, had come to stay a few days and he was a most willing helper, although he was not seen publicly. It was after all a local fund raiser.

Michael’s task was to act as if he had never met Pauline before. When Pauline announced that the winner was 124, Michael would step forward as a stranger and receive the car keys.

“And the winner is…” declared Pauline dramatically, “the winner is Michael! Don’t ask me who Michael is, but if he’s here could he please step forward.”

That was when the policeman declared that to be fair the toffees in the jar had to be counted by two independent observers.

Pauline and the police officer had an argument. The policeman prevailed. Gavin and Gwendoline were asked to count the toffees. It came to 124. Michael had won the car after all, which just goes to show that corruption can pay off if it’s properly organized.