Tag Archives: money

2498. Inheritance

John-Claude was a widower. He had one child, a son called Peter. His son was the epitome of laziness, but nonetheless John-Claude tried to cheer him (unsuccessfully) into doing some work.

John-Claude’s property was a few acres with a couple of cows and a few goats and a pet pony. The cottage was straight out of a book of fairy-tale illustrations, with a beautiful garden of hollyhocks and petunias and grape vines that ran around the thatched eaves. Things always seemed to be in flower!

John-Claude had a sneaky suspicion that he was on his last legs. He was getting on. “I think I hear an approaching death rattle,” he told his son. Well! Was the son excited or what! He suggested to his father that all should be put in his, the son’s, name. That way, there would be little to worry about when the dreaded moment arrived. John-Claude did that. The house and property was now in Peter’s name. All John-Claude need now do was die.

But he didn’t.

Son Peter was annoyed as anything. He still did no work, but the place was looking nice because John-Claude still laboured hard. In fact the relationship between father and son was more slave to slave owner. Peter made his father sleep out in the garden shed. He didn’t want to be woken with a racket in the early mornings when John-Claude rose to do some work on the property.

John-Claude developed an idea. For years he had been friends with the bank manager. They had been Friday-night drinking companions at the pub for yonks. The bank manager printed off a pretend document. It was a bank statement. It said that John-Clause had eleven million eight hundred and seventy-two dollars and seventeen cents in his account. John-Claude accidentally left it on the dining table.

After that son Peter worked his guts out. He couldn’t have been more helpful, more cheerful, harder working. John-Claude reverted to occasionally pottering in the garden as befits a retired gentleman. The place retained its picture-postcard look thanks to Peter’s back-breaking efforts.

Eventually, when John-Claude died, the fortune-expecting lazy son discovered there was zilch to inherit.

2479. Carolyn’s propensity

Carolyn had every reason to celebrate. She phoned up the most expensive restaurant in town and booked a table for one.

It had taken a few years to achieve her goal, and at last it had happened. Her marriage to widower Clifford was her second marriage. Some thought she had married for money. Clifford was a multi-millionaire, mainly through inheritance from his rich parents. He was much older than Carolyn. She had presumed he would hold on for a few years and then upon his sad demise she would inherit the fortune.  He had very much kept financial control in the marriage, and now… yippee!

For two years Carolyn had replaced Clifford’s blood-thinning pills with placebos. The pills were to prevent a stroke; and now a stroke had happened, and a serious one at that. He hadn’t died but he was rendered unable to help himself. He was put into permanent care. It couldn’t have worked out better for Carolyn; his pension would still come in. It wasn’t enough to live on, but over and above the huge amount of interest from his riches the small government pension was simply the icing on the cake. Carolyn would devote his pension to the purchase of knick-knacks – and dining out.

And what a lovely evening she had! The meal was superb. The restaurant was splendid. The service was exceptional. She would definitely return at a later date. It would be the perfect place to bring Ricardo. Ricardo was a widower. He was a multi-millionaire and much older than Carolyn.

2463. One needs enough to be secure

(Another story today! I shall post music over the weekend if I can get myself organized – which I’m finding harder to do by the day! I’ve got so many irons in the fire that life is a dog’s breakfast.)

We all knew that Great Uncle Menzies was “comfortable” but we never knew how comfortable. He lived a fairly ascetic life. His favourite saying was “One doesn’t need to be rich; all one needs is enough to be secure.”

When he died we were asked if we would contest the will – we were after all his only relatives and he had left everything to the Mount Ararat Ark of the Flood Church. Not that it would come to much, and Great Uncle Menzies was a lovely man so why ruin his generosity after he’s dead?

Yesterday the Mount Ararat Ark of the Flood Church announced they were building a multi-storey skyscraper in downtown New York. Goodness, they must’ve run into some money.

2402.  Fate made me do it

Freddie took a ticket in the lottery every week. This week was a bit different. The lottery first prize was 28 million, but Freddie’s budget was a bit tight. He decided to forgo buying a ticket.

He always used the same numbers, and hated the thought of not buying a ticket and his numbers coming in. So off he went to get his groceries. He would spend carefully. As he passed the lottery outlet on the way in to the supermarket he was tempted but issued a stern warning to himself. He most definitely would NOT buy a ticket.

On the way out of the shop he was tempted once again, but said no. And then a strange thing happened in the car park. He had placed his groceries in the car, and then as if he was a robot being driven by remote control he returned to the shop and handed the lottery person his numbers. It was almost an out-of-body experience. As he paid for the ticket Freddie couldn’t help but think it was beyond his control. Some Fate or Providence had taken over. The twelve dollars he gave to pay for his usual numbers saw his wallet empty for the next seven days.

That evening the lottery numbers were drawn on television. Freddie didn’t watch. He knew the Fates had something in store for him. He would check the numbers in the morning. News of success the night before would keep him awake all night. It was prudent to go to bed at a regular hour and reap gold in the morning.

The morning came. Freddie checked his ticket. He hadn’t won a jolly thing.

2322. A moment in the life of Felix

Felix regarded Great-aunt Stella’s advice as utterly insensitive. Great-aunt Stella had said to Felix, “You can reach for the stars”. Didn’t she know he was blind?

As time went on, Felix became more and more upset at Great-aunt Stella’s insensitivity. How can one reach for the stars if one can’t see them? In a moment of extreme fume he managed to steal Great-aunt Stella’s handgun out of her purse. When she came into the room he fired in her general direction and shot the chandelier to smithereens. (They were very rich)

“What the hell is going on?” asked Great-uncle Vladimir.

“Oh,” said Felix, “I thought you were Great-aunt Stella.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said Great-uncle Vladimir. “I’ve already stabbed her in the kitchen with the carving knife.”

“How can you have done that,” asked Felix, “when you are in a wheelchair?”

Before he could answer, Felix pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.

There was a great splash followed by a moment’s silence.

“Now I can get the money,” said Felix.

Then Great-uncle Vladimir said, “I never cared for the fish in that aquarium anyway.”

(Explanation: Great-aunt Stella had been stabbed to death by Great-uncle Vladimir. Great-uncle Vladimir and Felix had planned to murder Great-aunt Stella and enjoy her enormous riches. But she left all in her will to her tropical fish.)

2315. A bad week

From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side. He’d had a shocking week, to put things mildly. His wife had run off with Buck Moxon and she wasn’t coming back. Buck Moxon was a local truck driver noted for his philandering.

Then his fridge had broken down and needed replacing. He really didn’t have enough money to do that but a fridge is a fridge and he needed to store his milk and beer somewhere. The only good thing about the broken fridge was when Buck Moxon came to collect the wife’s stuff Danny Hicks said “You might as well take the fridge” so Buck Moxon did.

That was before Buck Moxon’s lawyer tried to take everything Danny owned. After that Danny swore that if he ever saw Buck Moxon again he’d shoot him point blank in the head. He usually carried a hand gun.

Anyway, Danny thought he’d spend a couple of dollars in the casino to take his mind off things. From the moment Danny Hicks walked into that casino, Lady Luck was on his side; Buck Moxon was playing the slot machine right next to the door.

2307. The case of Estelle

Ernest had married for money. Sure, he loved Estelle, but it was her riches he was more attracted to. Not that she minded. She was born a billionaire and being legally married meant she wasn’t chased all the time for her money once she had been caught. Ernest served a useful purpose.

Over time affection slowly deepened. But Ernest was the jealous sort, and he became suspicious of Estelle. Was she having an affair? Where was she going when she went out? Why was she sometimes gone for hours?

He decided to have her followed. What was discovered amazed Ernest. He was gobsmacked.

Unfortunately I am not at liberty to reveal what it was. Let’s just say that Ernest knew enough to plan a fatal accident.

2242. Cultural appreciation

There I was going on fifteen years and part of a scheme whereby we Portuguese youths get “adopted out” for a year with a family overseas. It is a way of exploring and appreciating other cultures. This is the second time I have been accepted for the scheme. The first time I went to Germany, and the second time I went to the United States; North Dakota to be precise. The American family are very well off, in fact very rich indeed, and have a daughter just two years younger than me. Believe me, she’s an absolute brat.

I’d been in North Dakota a little longer than a month when I was kidnapped and taken away and held in secret. Naturally my parents were out of their tree with worry, and my host family were exceedingly distraught and over time offered my parents monetary compensation for my apparent demise. Of course, money wouldn’t bring me back, but the host family was sparing nothing to show their concern. My parents accepted the money as a way of recognizing the genuine concern shown by the host family.

Now a problem has arisen. For my next adopting out to a foreign family I want to go to Greece, but my parents think we’d get more money if I went to Argentina.

2116. Winner takes all

When Heidi won the lottery there wasn’t a thing she wasn’t going to do! Forty-nine million! A car! A house! A gardener! A spa! A trip! But nothing would be rushed. Things would have to be done methodically and sensibly. Wait a week before doing a thing.

She went to the tourist place and got some glossy pamphlets. Bermuda looked enticing. And Bali. There was the whole of Europe of course; she’d never done that. Nor had she been to the Grand Canyon. So much to see and do and not a worry in the world.

The house had to be lovely, but it would be sensible not to have it too big. After all, she lived alone. Heidi went to the Real Estate agent and got a pile of glossy pamphlets from there too. Two bedrooms only perhaps, both with their own on suite, and another bathroom available for casual visitors should the need arrive.

Oh, and an oven to die for! Heidi loved to cook, even though it was usually just for herself, but now and again she splashed out and invited friends, or took some prepared food to some gathering or other. Oven pamphlets and kitchen aplliances!

The glossy junk mail that used to be hurriedly perused was now read in detail with a passion. There were things in there that Heidi had never considered before.

The possibilities to consider went on and on. There would be plenty to fill in time in the self-imposed week of waiting.

Now all she need do was get a lottery ticket.

2069. Last words

I’ve been lying on my back in this coffin for three days now. I hate lying on my back. The coffin’s in a spare room at my sister’s house. Can’t feel a thing of course but I can still see and hear. My sister keeps “coming for a look”. She’s forever shutting my eyes. Last thing I heard her say was, “He keeps opening his eyes. It’s so grotesque having a dead person stare back at you.” Little does she know.

I dare say soon they’ll be putting the lid on permanently. That’ll be a relief. I’m tired of people “coming for a look”. Just yesterday my old Aunt Madge called in and said while peering into the coffin, “He never did much with his life, did he?” To which Uncle Vernon added, “In some ways it’s a mercy he’s dead. Can’t wait to get my hands on all that money though.”

Just an hour or so ago, I heard Milly Blinkers (she’s a cousin – or was) say, “They reckon he had so much money he didn’t know what to do with it. I suppose he didn’t leave a will?” She’s always been money-grabbing, that Milly cousin. Well, for the record I did leave a will, and Milly’s not getting a penny. I was dying to say that out loud to her, but corpses can’t breathe or move so that put an end to that.

I have no idea why my accountant needed to call in before the funeral. He had a look at me and said to my sister, “We’ll talk things over in the next room.” I dare say he was hoping to get a sizeable chunk of my savings. As my late mother used to say, “It never takes long for the vultures to come out of the woodwork.” She was always mixing her metaphors – my mother.

Here they come now to put the lid on. They’re all giving the undertaker a hand. Oh such a tearful moment! That’ll be all from me for now – in fact, forever. It’s a shame I don’t have a few minutes more. I’d die wanting to hear their reaction when they discover there’s not a penny in my bank account.