2551. Chemistry! Yawn!

Mr. Thomas Bonnington had the reputation of being the most boring teacher in the school – and he knew it. He taught Chemistry. You knew that the pupils who were yawning in his class were the few who weren’t asleep.

It came as a great relief to the class – and to Mr. Bonnington – when Sebastian Wyatt put his hand up in the air and asked, “What is the most efficient and undetectable chemical to use in a murder?”

The class woke up. Mr. Thomas Bonnington was pleased that at last someone had expressed an interest in Chemistry. In fact, he spent the whole class on it in considerable detail. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to teach a class that was alert. May he rest in peace.

2478. What is the most effective poison?

Charlene was bitterly disappointed. She had spent months researching poisons. She had gone to the library. She had scanned the internet. She even asked a professional autopsy expert what the best way was to poison a man. The professional autopsy expert was at first reluctant to impart knowledge, but in the end Charlene seemed a nice enough and pretty harmless person. She was given a list of almost impossible to detect fatal poisons that could be used.

Charlene’s husband was no help. He was an ignorant, lazy spouse. Charlene never asked him anything, and in this scenario she simply smiled despairingly. She wasn’t going to waste time with his witlessness.

In the end she narrowed it down to two poisons. To be doubly sure Charlene made an appointment to see an industrial chemist at the local woollen factory. These industrial professionals are experts at all sorts of things, and their experience in practical chemistry seems to extend their ability to explain things simply. “Which of these two poisons will be most effective and lest detectable?”

The industrial chemist was very nice. He pointed out, however, that neither of the poisons would result in death. He said that one of them if used would require the imbibing of several large containers of liquid and the other would need the equivalent of having to eat seventeen to twenty indigestible potatoes in twenty-four hours.

It was indeed a disappointment – and after all those hours and hours of research.

Charlene had had enough. She went home and threw her uncompleted novel in the trash.

2409. Chemistry opportunities

Angelina was a solo mother. From the day Sylvain was born Angelina prayed that he would excel at his studies. She herself had not been given much of an academic opportunity, and it was important to her that Sylvain should do as best as he could.

When early on at school he showed promise at Chemistry, Angelina bought him a little Chemistry set, and some books on Chemistry. She prayed every day even harder; Lord, may Sylvain become a clever scientist.

Her prayers came true. When he grew up, Sylvain used his extensive knowledge and skills to blow up Parliament.

2218. The chemist

Have you heard of the communist tyrant responsible for millions of deaths?  He was a chemist and at some stage, after lurking anonymously in the background of power, was able to poison three quarters of the population. No one knew who he was but it was believed that the person was still alive and perhaps living in luxury.

Which brings me to a simpler scene: an ordinary chemistry class at school. Young Harry has asked his chemistry teacher a simple question. Ms Braxton was a tyrannical chemistry teacher. She was to be feared. Not one of her pupils learnt Chemistry out of love; they learnt it out of fear. Ms Braxton had been teaching Chemistry for so long that several generations had passed through the school despising Chemistry. Rumour had it that she knew who the tyrannical communist chemist was; perhaps even she had taught the murderous persecutor.

Young Harry’s question was simply this: Why does bread go brown when it is toasted? Ms Braxton had explained that the starch under heat reflected light to the right (“dextra” was the Latin word for “right” so the brown bit was called dextrin). That made the toast look brown. It’s why the crust on a loaf of bread is brown.

Ms Braxton certainly knew her stuff. She was very learned. She lived alone in a very big house and drove a very expensive car. The question young Harry (and most of the impressionable teenagers in the class) really wanted to ask was “How come you’re so rich?” In fact, he did ask her. She got very angry and told him to mind his own business. Her reaction was certainly proof of something don’t you think?

1397. Class preparation

Robert Maguire was a fairly new and enthusiast high school teacher of Chemistry. In fact, he was about to begin his second year of teaching. During the long summer break he went several times to the school’s chemistry laboratory to prepare his classes for the coming year.

The last time he went, the plumber turned up.

“I’m here to check for dripping faucets,” said the plumber. “Thank goodness you’re here. Mr Gaynor, the Head of the Chemistry Department, gave me a key to the classroom but I was worried how I would get my van through the locked school gate.”

Robert Maguire was about to leave so he asked the plumber to make sure he locked the chemistry laboratory when he left, and to also firmly lock the school’s front gate.

“There have been a lot of burglaries in the area over the summer,” said Robert Maguire.

1050. Natural stubbornality

That’s the trouble with Bertrand; he’s so pig-headed. He might be only eight years old, but he’s as stubborn as an ox. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I gave birth to such a creature. Sometimes I suspect he’s a little backward when it comes to the brains department. Here he comes now.

“Did you clean the stain off the laundry floor as I asked?”

“Yes, but it didn’t work very well. I used mainly water, with 5% tetrasodium ethylenediaminetetraacetate, 6% disodium oxosilanediolate, and 2% alkyl(C8-10) polyethoxypolypropoxybenzene ether. I thought that would work.”

“You naughty, naughty boy. I told you to use 5% boric acid, 5.3% nonylphenol polyethylene glycol ether, 14% dipropylene glycol monomethyl ether, and 1.6% tetrasodium ethylenediamine tetraacetate. No wonder the stain is still there. Go back and try again.”

See what I mean? Stubborn as an ox. He certainly doesn’t take after me, that’s for sure.

717. The back room

Tania and Myles were seeing a fertility specialist. They had been together for over five years and hadn’t conceived a thing. They intensely desired a baby or two.

Myles was a secondary school teacher. He taught chemistry. Most of his teaching was done in the chemistry lab. At the end of the lab was a small back room. Myles used it as an office. He also stored most of the chemicals there. It was safer that way. It stopped naughty adolescent boys from trying to concoct Molotov cocktails and the like.

Tania worked as a hairdresser. She was one of a gang of six. Tania worked four days a week. It was on one of her days off that she went on her own to see the fertility specialist.
Her time was ripe. Exactly right. The egg should be fertilised now!

Myles was busy teaching the properties of Buckminsterfullerene (also known as buckyballs, which greatly amused a portion of the sixteen year olds in the class). He received a text message. Sample required NOW! He set the class work and went out to the back room “to make a phone call”.

A good try, but in the long run, he’d shot a blank.

Listen the story being read HERE!

417. No equal equation

In the old pre-computer days, Norris was late handing up his chemistry assignment. His professor at the university was rather short with him when he asked for an extension.

“I’m sorry, sir,” said Norris, “but I’ve been typing night after night, day after day and have barely finished page 1.”

“There’s no excuse for it,” said the professor. “Nola, the other one in the doctoral class, finished last week.”

“I know,” said Norris. “But her assignment was on Zinc oxide, whereas mine is on 2-Propenoic acid, 2-methyl-, 2-[[[[5-[[[2-[ethyl[(heptadecafluorooctyl)sulfonyl]amino]ethoxy]carbonyl]amino]-2-methylphenyl]amino]carbonyl]oxy]propyl ester, telomer with butyl 2-propenoate, 2-[[[[5-[[[2-[ethyl[(nonafluorobutyl)sulfonyl]amino]ethoxy]carbon.”

“Just use the formula,” said the professor. “No need to type everything out in full each time.”

“I have,” said Norris. “But C28H28F17N3O8S.C27H28F15N3O8S.C26H28F13N3O8S.C25H28F11N3O8S.C24 H28F9N3O8S.C14H10F17NO4S.C13H10F15NO4S.C12H10F13NO4S.C11H10F11NO4S.C10H10F9NO4S.C7H12O2)x.C8H18S occurs seventeen times on the first page.”