2650. How to milk a cow

Alice wasn’t a farm girl. She was city raised, but she had fallen in love and married George and he was a sheep farmer. They had been engaged before the outbreak of the First World War, and George had returned home with an injured knee. It wasn’t particularly debilitating, but at times things flared up and he had to see a doctor.

The sheep farm had a cow to provide milk for the household, and of course it had to be milked every day.  By now they had a daughter, Margaret. And then… George’s knee flared up and he had to go to hospital.

Alice had never milked a cow in her life but it was a task that had to be done. She took three hours on the first attempt. Eventually she walked over to the neighbouring farm and asked, “Can you come over and show me how to milk the darn cow?” Alice quickly became adept.

After a few months George’s knee hadn’t healed and the farm was too much of a burden. They sold the farm and went to live in the town.

Daughter Margaret wasn’t really a farm girl. She was city raised, but she had fallen in love with Bert and he was a farmer. One day Bert went down on one knee and said to Margaret, “Will you marry me?”

“Only if you first teach me how to milk a cow,” said Margaret.

2455. Lifestyle block

Judith and Stanislaw lived on a small lifestyle property. They were as self-sufficient as they could possibly get. They worked as a team. Every morning Stanislaw milked by hand the six cows and three goats. On Thursdays he took the cheese and butter hand-crafted by Judith into the market in town. It brought in their only finance, but it was sufficient to live on if coupled with other things such as vegetables that their lifestyle produced.

Judith had never milked a cow or a goat in her life, and Stanislaw had never made the tiniest block of cheese. Each had their talent and the team worked.

And then early one morning Stanislaw underwent a medical event – as the newspapers like to put a heart attack. He was dead.

There was nothing further Judith could do. She went out to milk the cows and goats. It couldn’t be put off. At midday she was still trying to extract a drop of milk from the first cow. Freddie, a neighbouring life-styler who had a nectarine orchard, came to the rescue. He didn’t know much about milking cows either but together they managed.

All that happened a year ago. These days Judith and Freddie produce a very successful brand of nectarine-infused cheeses.

1948. That was a close call

There was nothing particularly singular about Janice and Branwell. They lived in a suburb. They had a cat and a dog. The grandchildren would visit quite often.

Usually they took turns in walking the dog, although Branwell had the task of feeding it. Janice was in charge of feeding the cat.

One sunny afternoon the cat was particularly vocal which usually meant she wanted some milk. Janice poured milk into a saucer and placed it on the kitchen floor next to the oven. The dog barged in, which he usually didn’t do, pushed the cat aside and lapped up the cat’s milk. Janice shooed them both outside.

A few minutes later Branwell appeared in the kitchen.

“I just heard the strangest thing,” he said. “I heard it as clear as a bell. The cat spoke to the dog. She said, ‘You shouldn’t do that. You know it’s my milk’.” The dog responded by saying, “Your English gets better by the day.”

“You’re hearing things,” said Janice. The cat’s been complaining all morning.”

“It was perfectly articulated,” said Branwell, “but, yes, I guess I was hearing things.”

“Exactly right,” said Janice.

The cat and the dog sat outside in the shade. “That was a close call,” they said one to the other – but in French.

1461. Sinus problem

Lavinia seemed forever to have a cold. Her nose was endlessly running. She’d use a box of tissues, or half a box at least, every day. She went to see a specialist.

The specialist suggested to Lavinia that she had an allergy. Did she have a cat? A dog? A pet cockatoo? Perhaps she should stop eating bread for a while and see what happens. Perhaps she was allergic to milk, or chocolate, or nuts. After tests, none of these were shown to be the cause of Lavinia’s runny nose.

The specialist did further tests. At last the allergy was discovered! Lavinia was allergic to dust created from dried cockroach poop. To be honest, Lavinia’s house was constantly invaded by cockroaches. Lavinia paid to have her home completely debugged and cleaned. It didn’t work. Lavinia still had a constant cold.

No one had noticed the cockroach that had crawled up and lodged itself deep in Lavinia’s sinuses.

1358. Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Poland, Agnieszka milked a sheep and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Holland, Veerletje milked a goat and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Mexico, Acuecucyoticihuati milked a llama and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Latvia, Ludmila milked a cow and made some cheese. Quite frankly, it was disgusting. It never became a classic and Ludmila’s husband fed it to his pigs.

811. Granny’s nannies

Old Granny Brown figured a way to make a little money. She had always loved her goats. She had three nanny goats. She used them for milk and would make cheese.

Now that her husband had passed away, she could ill-afford to keep them; until she came up with her wonderful idea: she would sell the milk! She placed a sign at her gate: FRESH GOAT’S MILK! The milk was very popular, so much so, that Granny Brown wondered if she shouldn’t get another goat. She decided against it. Selling goat’s milk at the gate was so she could keep the three goats she already had and loved. There was no need to be greedy.

In the meantime, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, introduced a bill into Parliament. We really must stop this unhealthy sale of goat’s milk on the road side. The milk has not been treated. Goodness knows what diseases are been passed on to the general population. The selling of goat’s milk at gates became illegal.

Granny Brown had to stop her sales. She could no longer afford to keep her beloved goats. In the new year, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, was given the country’s highest award. He was now a Member of the Imperial Empire’s Brigade (MIEB) for services to the health of the nation. He had served the nation with his altruistic actions.

Not long after, the Right Honourable Mr Stanislaus McCready, Member of Parliament for West Shaffton, announced his retirement from politics. He owned a large goat farm and cheese-making factory, he said, and wished to put all his energies into developing that.

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