2608. How the planet was saved

Just beyond Emile’s property was a steep bank on the neighbour’s property. The bank was covered in scrub and served no purpose whatsoever. Emile often threw his garden weeds down that bank when the neighbour wasn’t looking. Nothing could be seen unless the neighbour took up rock climbing or abseiling or something.

On this particular sunny day Emile had dug a hole in his garden to plant a lemon tree and he had a wheel barrow full of clay and stones that he wanted to get rid of. The neighbour’s bank was the ideal place to empty the barrow. And the neighbour was away; in town maybe, for a good half hour.

Emile was about to wheel the barrow to the bank when he heard the phone ringing inside his house. He left the barrow and went to answer the call.

By the time the phone call was over the neighbour had returned. Emile was unable to empty his wheel barrow.

I know that some Readers will find this next bit hard to swallow. The world is full of cynical humans who refuse to follow science and replace the facts with some sort of mythological clap-trap.

You’ve heard of the straw that broke the camel’s back? Well, had Emile tipped the barrow load of soil down the bank at that precise moment it would have upset the entire balance of the planet. The Earth would have done a top to bottom turn. The North Pole would have swivelled to the South Pole, and vice versa.

The phone call had been a wrong number. But I have no doubt that it was some Angel of Mercy who was in the know. Perhaps (there is a possibility) that the wrong call was even made by God in order to prevent a catastrophe. Or it could have been a space alien with a vastly superior scientific knowledge to our own.

Anyway, disaster was averted. Later that day Emile managed to empty his wheelbarrow down the bank. But the dangerous balance of Planet Earth had shifted. We can once again relax with scientific certainty.

2187. Alien first aid

Poor Mrs. Mabel Bloxham had been chosen at random and abducted by aliens. They were taking her back to their home planet for investigation.

Normally Mabel wouldn’t have minded. In fact, she would enjoy the adventure, but in this case they had snatched her away and she was without her medication.

She asked the aliens in the flying saucer on the way (she did so via the exfibbertranslaticator) if they had extra advanced medical knowledge and could zap her back to full health. They answered that human physical makeup was so different from theirs that their advanced medicine would offer no advantage. That was why they wanted to examine her to learn more about the bodies of Earthlings. Then they might be of help.

Mrs. Mabel Bloxham’s problem was that she had no legs. Her legs were artificial. She had to take pills to stabilize things.

Upon examination the aliens were astounded. They had no idea when they abducted her that she was legless.

The aliens were from an advanced civilization. They had no word for war. They had no word for pain. They had no word for bad. They simply spread kindness throughout the universe. Which was why, when they arrived on Earth to help the humans, they cut off everyone’s legs.

2008. Cruising the Universe

Long John Silver (his real name wasn’t Long John Silver but he was known as Long John Silver by his closest associates) had given the exact location of Planet Earth. He had stumbled across Planet Earth while cruising the Universe and thought it to be a fairly fascinating place. (It’s where he had picked up the name Long John Silver from. It had tickled his fancy).

Now a group from Long John Silver’s planet were travelling in a space pod to Planet Earth. The voyage would take just over eight months, which was a phenomenally short time given the distance to get to Earth. Speed is of the essence in space travel.

Already two of the men on board had given birth to babies. (These aliens were sort of like Planet Earth’s sea horses where the males did the gestation).

How exciting to be nearing Planet Earth! Conditions on Earth were so similar to their own that they could simply step off their space pod and be assimilated incognito into earthly daily life (apart from the men having babies, which would be hidden if it happened).

They reached the location stipulated by Long John Silver. There was nothing there. Planet Earth had self-annihilated. It had blown itself up. It was so disappointing for the tourists.

1991. Alien Class

Okay Class, now settle down. Good morning.

This is the third introductory class to life on Planet Earth. To think that it’s only five months before you begin your “visitation” to Earth, so we have lots and lots of work to do.

Today’s topic could be construed as being a little sensitive; at least the humans on Earth might regard it as being sensitive. It’s about a function they have or do that we simply don’t have. Nature has evolved us in a complexly different direction. We expel waste in a hygienic, constant, and unnoticeable way through what the Earthings would call our “skin”. The Earthlings however expel waste through a completely different process called…

Excuse me, Hottopius. Just settle down. I’m not telling you this for your entertainment…

Yes, Gloteressa? You have a question? You have been reading about it? You know all about it already? What is it you’ve read about?…

No! No! Gloteressa! That’s not how it happens; not how it happens at all! Goodness knows where you dug that up from. That’s not how they expel waste on Earth. Not in the slightest. The person who wrote that is living in La-la land.

Usually humans will leave, and sometimes rush from, the room away from others and go into a little cubicle reserved specifically for this function. It’s extremely private, which is why we know so little about it. Constipolorus, our great scientist, hid a camera in a cubicle and recorded what exactly went on. So we now know a thing or two. The video of activity I’m afraid I can’t show you because it is classified material, but I can perhaps describe it for you in detail…

Yes, Buckanorsis? You what? You’ve seen the videos? You saw the videos on Disgracebook? What did you think?…

Disgusting? You thought it disgusting? Well I’m not surprised. And if in five months you are to make a “visitation” to Planet Earth then you had better get used to what humans do in that little cubicle. Everyone there does it. It’s part of what happens on their planet.

You have a question, Blubberteria? Yes! Yes! You’re right. I was about to say by what names the expulsion of waste materials by humans goes under. They have many different words for it – such is the sacredness (or should I perhaps say secretness?) of the process. The most common expression I believe is “heave your guts out”. Some books refer to it as “psychedelic chunder”. Others simply say “throw up”.

Here’s what I want you to do before next class: take your Roget’s and dictionaries and make a list of all the words and phrases that Earthlings use to describe this fascinating private cubicle activity.

Class dismissed.

1829. The birthday gift

Dear Nora,

Thank you so much for the birthday gift. First of all I would like to say that the packaging, thank goodness, is recyclable. There’s nothing worse than getting a gift and the box it comes in is wrapped in plastic or even cellophane. I mean, what is one meant to do with it?

Yours was most thoughtfully wrapped, and the coconut fibres used as packing I can give to my garden worms that consume the few scraps I have.

I noticed that the stamps on the package weren’t fully cancel-marked by the Post Office, so I managed to steam two of them off to use again. However, once I had steamed them off I saw that possibly they had been licked, so I am going to put them in my recycle bin. Can you remember if you licked them? Thank goodness I was wearing rubber gloves before I even started with that.

The instruction booklet that came with your gift was printed on glossy paper. Really Nora! We no longer have to do things the way they were done ten years ago in the Dark Ages. What gets into manufacturers’ heads that makes them think they can print these days on glossy paper?

And the glue on the spine of the book! I know it’s an old book, but it comes from the days when glue was made using cows’ hoofs. I couldn’t bear to open it and be party to the cruel practices of our forebears. I suspect the book must have some value, but a book on bee-keeping is so insensitive. We imprison bees, in effect, and then steal the honey they make. It is a barbaric practice.

All in all, Nora, thank you once again for the recyclable packaging.

The other day, as President of the Green Party, I received a letter from the secretary of the Dyers’ Guild. In it he said that the colour green was the least biodegradable of all the dye colours, and that includes green printer’s ink. Green is a quite inappropriate colour for those who care about the health of our planet. I wrote back and said he must have better things to fill in his time than worry about non-biodegradable dyes and their environmental toxicity. Isn’t it funny how people get hung up on such unnecessary and insignificant little things?

Regards
Norman

1773. After the pandemic

It was only a few years after the pandemic that swept Planet Earth. No, not the Coronavirus (Covid-19) several hundred years earlier, but a new and far more fearsome pandemic. Without warning, like a tidal wave of infection, it swept through the world’s population, killing them, and leaving only half a dozen or so humans, who had some sort of natural immunity, on each continent.

What a dream come true to have the whole of the North American continent almost to oneself! What a wondrous fantasy come true to set ones bed up in a corner of St. Peter’s in Rome and be able to say, “This is my bedroom”! When a vehicle ran out of gas, it was easy: just pick up another limousine!

Oh, but the stench! The several dozen on the planet inevitably wore face masks for a few weeks to facilitate breathing. What a happy thing it was when quite by accident a survivor bumped into another survivor! One couple early on were even able to start a new family.

Don’t think that these survivors were irresponsible creatures who didn’t give a hoot about others. One of the first things each did, almost automatically, was to wander through farms and zoological gardens and open gates and doors. That way the animals were free to fend for themselves and not be enclosed and starve to death. Of course, there were so few people that only a small percentage of animals were freed, but it was enough.

Time ticked on and new families began to form. How marvellous to have no pollution. The growing populations didn’t just sit on their haunches and do nothing. They learned to make their own flour and cider and everything else.

But the freed animals from farms and zoos also grew in numbers. They needed to eat. It didn’t take long for the tiny human populations to disappear.

Without humans the planet thrived.

1743. Life on Earth

Shirley and Winsbury Spark were among the twenty-four Earthling couples selected to populate the recently discovered exoplanet that Earthling Scientists had dubbed Planet Hillda – because it was hilly. It was lush with vegetation and animal life, although not a plant nor animal bore any resemblance to anything on Earth. Gravity and the ratio of atmosphere gases were also much the same as on Earth.

The hardest thing to adapt to was the fact that a day was only twenty-two and a quarter hours. Shirley and Winsbury tried dividing the day into twenty-four equal parts, with sixty shortened minutes each with sixty shortened seconds. The year was also shorter so that caused confusion as to when to celebrate Christmas and Easter and Independence Day and other important dates.

Thank goodness sponsors on Earth were able to send a few frozen turkeys over with a supply of pumpkins and cranberries so that Thanksgiving might be celebrated properly. They were promised fertile turkey eggs once an incubator had been set up, so frozen turkey wouldn’t be on the list the following year.

There were other wildlife that arrived from Earth in dribs and drabs; horses, sheep, cattle, goats, and chickens. In order for these introduced creatures to survive, the blood-thirsty Gronberger, a native creature of the planet, had to be wiped out, along with a good number of other species.

Shirley’s pride and joy was her vegetable garden. So far it had produced carrots, Swiss chard, and radishes. It was hoped to provide more variety once further seeds had arrived from earth.

All in all it was a promising start to life on Planet Hillda. Winsbury predicted that within a generation life should be pretty much like on Planet Earth. But, added Shirley, if you come you have to be adaptable. No good coming here and thinking that Earth can’t be successfully replicated.

1123. Being followed

(This is the fifth and final of the Science Fiction stories to commemorate Science Fiction Day. Science Fiction Day is celebrated each year on Isaac Asimov’s birthday: January 2nd. Ok ok – haven’t you heard of a Time Warp?)

Oh God! Don’t you just hate it when aliens follow you around all the time? These personages from another planet are like a bad smell. They won’t leave us alone.

They think their space craft is invisible made up of this and that. But we see them as clear as a bell. They’re probably taking notes about us, and putting out encyclopaedias as to what we do. About our sex life and what we eat. It’s an invasion of privacy, that’s what it is. An invasion of privacy!

At present there seem to be three small space craft following our little car.

Piss off, aliens. Go back to Planet Earth where you belong and stop bothering us.

748. What a view!

Felix was delighted. His new house and outlook suited his style. He had always been passionate about saving the environment. And now… look! How wonderful is that view!

There, to the right of that grove of trees, can you see the waterfall? It’s just between the spectacular cliff face and the larch tree. See how it drops into the lake. The sunlight on the spray! Such rainbows! And the snow clad mountains beyond! What a treasure to have such a sight from the window!

And the wonderful thing is, the man who owns next door is also environmentally aware. It’s next to the road, but the view will never get built out. He too is zealous about caring for the planet.

Here he comes now!

What’s he doing? …

He’s put up a 40 foot wide billboard. It reads:

SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!

Listen the story being read HERE!