Tag Archives: class

1346. In God we trust

Dear Ms Bramley,
Mabel and I were shocked to discover on class open day that a big banner across the wall read “In God we trust”. What sort of superstitious nonsense are you shoving down the throats of seven year olds? Mabel and I are atheists, and we are teaching Connie to be discerning and to be an atheist too. If the banner is not removed we shall be forced to send Connie to another school. It’s not easy being an atheist in today’s world.
Mabel and Reg Parsonage

Dear Ms Bramley,
Charlie and me were so disappointed in the second class open day of the year that the banner across the back wall that read “In God we trust” had been removed. We thought it a brilliant way to instil into Hector the values our country holds dear. We hope you haven’t succumbed to criticism from Mabel and Reg Parsonage who apparently had much to say on the matter.
Charlie and Gwen Green

Dear Ms Bramley,
Francine and I were so disappointed at the lack of posters on the classroom wall on open day. It represented for us the nihilism that has become all too common in our modern society. Bareness, blankness, espousing no meaning in life. We are donating posters of Hillary Clinton and of Kim Jong-un so that the children will have people to look up to.
Francine Smith and Deborah Coolidge

Dear Ms Bramley,
I was outraged to see the poster hanging up in your classroom during the third open day this year. There are many world leaders that would serve as an example to the children… but that!!!… Please remove it or we shall be forced to send Petros and Stavros to another school. The Clintons are no example to tender minds.
Boadicea Whitelock

Dear Ms Bramley,
The blank walls of your classroom during the fourth and final open day of the year was enough to make Dolores and I shudder. There wasn’t even a vase of flowers or any greenery or living creature exhibit in the classroom. How can the children learn to care for the planet when you present such a barren landscape?
Myrtle Bristlewick

Dear Ms Bramley,
Josie came home and said there’s a pet turtle in the classroom. No wonder the planet is on the verge of extinction when you entrap living creatures and enslave them away from the natural environment for selfish adulation and aggrandisement. Put it back where it was found, please.
Holly and Arnold Steptoe

Dear Mr and Mrs Bramley,
This note is to express our sorrow at the sudden and sadly self-inflicted passing of a much admired teacher and mentor. Charlotte adored her, and Nigel did too. In her memory we are donating a large framed poster to be hung in the school assembly hall, so that all will be inspired by your daughter’s life and death. It reads:
GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE.
Yours sincerely,
Dirk and Bonnie Wotherspoon

1260. Creative Poetry Writing

Kay worked in a supermarket. She was pretty intelligent but not exactly Madame Curie. Still, she maintained a wide collection of interests, read voraciously, and had an insatiable curiosity, not for gossip, but for knowledge.

There was something, however, that she could not understand.

“I cannot,” bemoaned Kay, “understand modern poetry. There’s only one thing for it; I shall attend a series of classes on Creative Poetry Writing.”

Off she went. In the first class, the lecturer gave them a task to complete for the second class. They were to write a poem – nothing too long – entitled “Rain”. This is what Kay wrote:

Rain

Plip plip plip plip plip
Plip plip
Plip plip plip plip plip
Plip

The lecturer praised her work: “An excellent use of imagery and onomatopoeia. Strong alliteration. Very rhythmic. You have a natural talent. Well done.”

Kay never turned up to the third class. She knew the course was crap.

1113. News from Hickton-in-Sticks

It’s been a month now, perhaps six weeks, since the town of Hickton-in-Sticks got broadband. Mrs Myrtle Beech said it was a great disappointment. She had waited months, even years, to start a blog and thus far nothing had gone viral.

“Nothing has gone viral,” said Myrtle. “The whole thing’s a scam.”

Mr Bristol Port agreed.

“I’d looked forward to broadband excitedly,” said Bristol. “But once you’ve seen one porn site you’ve seen the lot. In fact I get a great deal more satisfaction looking into the mirror. It’s blown way out of proportion.”

Ms Savannah Field thought the whole thing was marvellous. She was the town’s school teacher and the online computer games at least got the kids off their phones.

“It’s great for me as a teacher,” said Savannah. “The kids log on first thing in the morning and by the end of the day they’re reluctant to go home. Computer games are certainly a great boon for a teacher, and getting broadband in Hickton-in-Sticks has improved the quality of education the kids are getting.”

“It’s a scam,” said Myrtle.

“It’s blown out of proportion,” said Bristol.

“Put it this way,” said Savannah. “Things have changed for the better since we’ve got broadband. In the last month only five people from Hickton-in-Sticks have committed suicide.”

1110. Money for the Missions

Once a month, Sister Mary Hedwig organised her Year 4 class to do something to raise money for the Missions. It would be only a little thing. Each theme would last a week. For example there was Bring a Stuffed Toy Week and there was Wear Something with Spots On Week. If you took part you would pay as little as one cent although you were always welcome to give more. Sister had a little nest egg hidden away for those who couldn’t or didn’t pay. The money would go into the piggy bank sitting on Sister’s desk. One year the class made almost fifty dollars which they sent to Brigitte’s uncle who taught poor children in Rwanda.

For the Bring a Stuffed Toy Week Nigel brought along bits of a teddy bear torn to pieces by his dog. It’s really stuffed, said Nigel. Language Nigel, language, said Sister and charged him two cents instead of one. My father put me up to it, said Nigel.

One day Esme turned up to school wearing the most elaborate necklace. It must have been worth a pretty penny. It had real pearls (at least they looked like real pearls) with silver interconnecting bits. It’s my grandmother’s, said Esme. She said I could borrow it for the week provided I was careful.

But why are you wearing it to school? asked Sister Hedwig.

You said not to forget our theme for the missions: Necks Week.

I said next week, said Sister Mary Hedwig.

Esme went a delicate pink. Nigel thought it was hilarious.