2117. Selfish people

“I can’t help it!” Rowena shrieked desperately. She was eating a sausage; in fact one sausage after another. It wasn’t a competition or anything; it was simply that she had purchased a container of pre-cooked sausages – twenty-four to a packet – and she had got hooked. A short nuke in the microwave warmed the pre-cooked up in a jiff.

Not that she wasn’t addicted to sausages in the first place. She had always been partial. That’s why she bought them. And they were on sale. So far she had eaten six. There were still eighteen to go.

Common sense prevailed. She quickly opened the freezer lid and threw them in. She would space them out. So as not to be tempted she donned her raincoat, took the umbrella, and went for a walk.

When she got home her son’s football team were there and they had eaten all the sausages. It was a post-match “where did we go wrong?” review.

Rowena didn’t say a word but she was glad they had lost. “Some people are born to be selfish,” she said.

1866. The final meal

Troy Meadowcroft had waited on death row for what seemed like an eternity. He was due to be put down (in a merciful and humane way) any day now. The newspapers were full of it. The guests to witness his electrocution had been invited and were currently selecting what to wear before heading in that direction, looking at last to be able to avenge their loved ones murder.

One of the more interesting features reported on was the prisoner’s final meal. One could order (within reason) what one wished. Troy had never liked complicated food. He requested simply pork sausages and French fries with splashes of malt vinegar and salt.

Letter One: I was amazed at the reported menu of Troy Meadowcroft prior to his execution. You would think humanity would have dragged itself out of the swamp by now. Pork sausages and French fries! How irresponsible is that for the prison to allow (in fact espouse) such unhealthy food? Are there no principles left when the prison authorities care not a hoot about prisoners’ health? And all that salt! Goodness me!

Letter Two: My religion forbids the imbibing of hog meat. I was horrified at the casual attitude taken by giving the prisoner pork sausages, as if such things didn’t matter. It was nothing short of scandalous. It was an affront to all sincere believers. And to feed a prisoner pig meat when so close to death is an instant invitation to the fires of Hell. I was deeply offended.

Letter Three: I couldn’t help but think that the man called Troy Meadowcroft who was put down recently had a touch of class. No one these days thinks of putting malt vinegar on their pork sausages. It is delicious, and something we used to do frequently when we were younger. Three cheers to the prisoner, and I would wish him a long and fruitful existence of enjoying life’s simple things if that was still possible.

Letter Four: Quite frankly I hope the prisoner choked on his pork sausage. The combination of foods looked disgusting – especially the salt and malt vinegar. I’m normally against the death penalty but in this case I’ll make an exception. The world is certainly better off without him and probably safer. People these days, especially those with money, have no sense of taste. Like my auntie.

Letter Five: What a waste of good food. People don’t seem to realize that people are starving and all we hear about is how a prisoner about to expire anyway is fed pork sausages and French fries. If only they had electrocuted the man a few minutes earlier, and then all that lovely food could have been shared by people in need. Waste not, want not.

Letter Six: Electrocution and lethal injection for condemned prisoners is nothing short of the authorities taking the easy way out. In the old days when we lined people up against a wall to get shot I would imagine you could see the terror in their eyes. They were paying properly for their crime. Regarding the final meal; wouldn’t it have been funny if instead of pork sausages they had stuffed cotton wool inside the sausage skins? Then the man would start to hoe into his final meal and it would all be fake. And use garden fertilizer instead of salt. And French fries made out of chicken poo or something hilarious like that. Stuff like that. You know.

Editor: This correspondence is now closed.

1404. Sausages

It was nine year old Natalie’s turn to give a talk in class. She thought it would be fun to talk about sausages!

“There are all sorts of different sausages,” began Natalie. “First of all there are many different types of German sausage.”

“Excuse me,” said Heinrich in the class, “but I’m German and I don’t like being called a sausage. That’s racist.”

The teacher gently explained to Heinrich that the term “German” was in reference to food. There was nothing racist about it.

“Then,” continued Natalie, “there’s Polish sausage.”

“Excuse me,” said Karol in the class, “but I’m Polish and I don’t like being called a sausage. That’s racist.”

The teacher gently explained to Karol that the term “Polish” was in reference to food. There was nothing racist about it.

“Finally,” said Natalie, “there’s a sausage called black pudding made out of pig’s blood and fat.”

“You naughty, naughty racist child,” exclaimed the teacher. “I suppose you get that attitude from your parents. You will take time out. We are not going to have that attitude in my classroom.”