Tag Archives: letters to editor

1866. The final meal

Troy Meadowcroft had waited on death row for what seemed like an eternity. He was due to be put down (in a merciful and humane way) any day now. The newspapers were full of it. The guests to witness his electrocution had been invited and were currently selecting what to wear before heading in that direction, looking at last to be able to avenge their loved ones murder.

One of the more interesting features reported on was the prisoner’s final meal. One could order (within reason) what one wished. Troy had never liked complicated food. He requested simply pork sausages and French fries with splashes of malt vinegar and salt.

Letter One: I was amazed at the reported menu of Troy Meadowcroft prior to his execution. You would think humanity would have dragged itself out of the swamp by now. Pork sausages and French fries! How irresponsible is that for the prison to allow (in fact espouse) such unhealthy food? Are there no principles left when the prison authorities care not a hoot about prisoners’ health? And all that salt! Goodness me!

Letter Two: My religion forbids the imbibing of hog meat. I was horrified at the casual attitude taken by giving the prisoner pork sausages, as if such things didn’t matter. It was nothing short of scandalous. It was an affront to all sincere believers. And to feed a prisoner pig meat when so close to death is an instant invitation to the fires of Hell. I was deeply offended.

Letter Three: I couldn’t help but think that the man called Troy Meadowcroft who was put down recently had a touch of class. No one these days thinks of putting malt vinegar on their pork sausages. It is delicious, and something we used to do frequently when we were younger. Three cheers to the prisoner, and I would wish him a long and fruitful existence of enjoying life’s simple things if that was still possible.

Letter Four: Quite frankly I hope the prisoner choked on his pork sausage. The combination of foods looked disgusting – especially the salt and malt vinegar. I’m normally against the death penalty but in this case I’ll make an exception. The world is certainly better off without him and probably safer. People these days, especially those with money, have no sense of taste. Like my auntie.

Letter Five: What a waste of good food. People don’t seem to realize that people are starving and all we hear about is how a prisoner about to expire anyway is fed pork sausages and French fries. If only they had electrocuted the man a few minutes earlier, and then all that lovely food could have been shared by people in need. Waste not, want not.

Letter Six: Electrocution and lethal injection for condemned prisoners is nothing short of the authorities taking the easy way out. In the old days when we lined people up against a wall to get shot I would imagine you could see the terror in their eyes. They were paying properly for their crime. Regarding the final meal; wouldn’t it have been funny if instead of pork sausages they had stuffed cotton wool inside the sausage skins? Then the man would start to hoe into his final meal and it would all be fake. And use garden fertilizer instead of salt. And French fries made out of chicken poo or something hilarious like that. Stuff like that. You know.

Editor: This correspondence is now closed.

1838. A handy tip

Tammy Barsby left a two thousand dollar tip for all the staff at the local pizzeria. “I was moved to tears,” said Kimmy Bretherton. “I have worked at Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria for eleven years and I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Owner Sammy Luciano said that Tammy Barsby had been a regular patron for at least the last four years. “There are still bright spots in our fallen world,” he said. “Tammy’s wonderful generosity will help us get through the dark times and brighten our hearts with the love of giving.”

“I’ve never seen anyone done something like that in my whole life,” said regular patron, Marcellus Caversham. “I’ve never done nothing like that myself. There’s usually three people working there at one time, so divide two thousand by three, whatever that is, and you get a pretty nest egg.”

Letter to Editor 1: I was moved to read of the generosity of Tammy Barsby. It’s certainly not something that the leader of the country would have done. He is a lying, deceiving box of maggots. In fact he probably is the real owner of the pizzeria and just wanted the publicity so he paid the woman to drop the tip off at the pizzeria. That guy can’t do anything unless it’s about himself.

Letter to Editor 2: The fact that someone had to leave a tip for an exorbitant amount shows what hard times we live in under the current administration. The government’s dealing with the economy leaves much to be desired, but if the other person had won the election we’d have a brilliant Foundation to help us all out.

Letter to Editor 3: I don’t know why Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria gets the headlines and the money. Their pizzas are inferior. I own and run the Happy Family Pizzeria just down the road. Not only do we make better pizzas, but we don’t bleed off the general public like Uncle Sammy.

Letter to Editor 4: I work part-time on a Thursday evening at Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria and you want to know how much of the tip I got? Nothing. It seems you had to be working at the same time as the tip was left to get a proportion (sic) of it. I deserve it as much as anyone.

Letter to Editor 5: I don’t know why everyone is so negative. Moan moan moan. That’s all I hear all day from these idiots who complain about everything all of the time. So selfish! I wish they would all get lined up against a wall and shot. The world would be a happier and more positive place.

Editor: This correspondence is now closed.

919. Letters to the editor

919sleep

To the Editor of the “Farmers’ Monthly”

Dear Sir,

Do goats ever sleep? Every time I see Billy the Goat, he’s out eating. Only today, for example, I saw him at 3 o’clock this morning happily eating.

When does he sleep? Or don’t goats need to sleep?

Yours sincerely,
Farmer Jack

919line

To the Editor of the “Farmers’ Monthly”

Dear Sir,

Do humans ever sleep? Every time I see Farmer Jack, he’s out looking. Only today, for example, I saw him at 3 o’clock this morning checking to see if I was eating.

When does he sleep? Or don’t humans need to sleep?

Yours sincerely,
Billy the Goat