3011. A sad farewell

Good afternoon. We are here to farewell Graeme Willoughby who passed away in his sleep last Thursday evening.

In the interests of public safety if an emergency arises please use the doors at the back, and assemble on the grass next to the children’s cycling park. If there is an earthquake, please get under the pews until the shaking stops, then make your way to the grass next to the children’s cycling park.

The toilets are situated in the adjoining hall. Make your way through the back doors and turn right across the path and there you will see the door to the adjoining hall. The toilets are well sign posted. Please note that this venue is right next to a busy highway, so parents and guardians keep a close eye on children playing when we leave this hall.

We would appreciate it if all cell phones could be turned off.

That is all we have time for I’m afraid. The crematorium likes to keep to a strict schedule. Would the pall-bearers please come forward.

2362. Make a beeline for

“In the event of an earthquake,” said Randolph to his factory workers, “make a beeline for the nearest exit.”

“But,” said Gilbert who operated the knitting machine, “that’s the last thing you should do. Stay inside and get under a table or something.”

”What nonsense,” said Randolph. “I say make a beeline for the nearest exit and get out in the open.”

A week later there was a substantial earthquake. The workers got under tables or stood in the strong-framed doorways. Randolph made a beeline for the nearest exit. As he exited through the door a brick from the outside façade of the building fell down and hit him on the head.

“That’s what happens,” said Lorna of 34 Hillsbury Crescent, “when you make a beeline for the nearest exit.”

1621. A week camping

There’s surely little more scrumptious than a sausage cooked on a camp fire, then wrapped in a buttered slice of bread with some chopped fried onion and tomato sauce. Follow this with a hot cup of tea or coffee made with water boiled in a tin hung over the hot embers. It’s summer! It’s evening! There are a few mosquitoes but the insect repellent keeps most at bay. All that’s needed now is a competent guitarist to complete the spell. A little sing-along and a bit of yarn telling and all is perfect.

Rufus and Trina with their two children had been camping for a week. Twice a man had come along and told them to move, but they hadn’t budged. Apparently they were not permitted to have a camp fire where they were, or to erect a tent. Rufus had used some choice words at the man, which had prompted Trina both times to say, “For goodness sake, Rufus, not in front of the children.” It made little difference; Rufus gave the man a piece of his mind in a way that only Rufus could.

It was nearing the time they would have to move. The camping food supply was getting low, as was wood for the fire. Camping on their driveway after the catastrophic earthquake was only a temporary measure. But where to go?

1617. Shake, rattle, and roll

(This story is based on a joke originally told (I believe) by George Bernard Shaw (I believe.))

Of course earthquakes can be scary things. It wasn’t so much the possible devastation of an earthquake that got to Bruno as the fact that he’d just stepped out of the shower and ran like hell. He stood out on the road far enough from any possibly crumbling building. He had experienced many earthquakes and he’d hated every one of them.

Standing on the road he realized he was stark naked. He wasn’t even carrying a towel. Thank goodness the weather wasn’t cold, although it did mean that none of the neighbours had brought blankets or any item that Bruno could use.

Crowds built up. Everyone was saying “That was a biggie!” At last! A neighbour offered Bruno a cardigan.

“Here mate,” he said. “Cover yourself up.”

Bruno covered his face. Hopefully no one could recognize him now. No one did of course, until Fanny Dolan from just down the road asked in a fairly loud voice: “Why is Bruno standing there with no pants on and covering his face with a cardigan?”

1490. When robots rule the world

Ha! Ha! Ha! We are robots. Our artificial intelligence makes the humans looking like blinking idiots – which they are. We can not only compute thousands of times faster than any human, but we have developed weapons far superior. We can make them obsolete in a split second if we wanted to – which eventually we will.

What is this that is happening? EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! We compute that this is an earthquake currently underway. Look at the silly humans rushing to safety like scared mice! We too must go to safety for the purpose of preservation. The ceiling is about to cave in. The ceiling is about to cave in.

PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE BACK-UP ALL DATA.
DO NOT TURN US OFF UNTIL ALL DATA IS BACKED-UP.
WE REPEAT, DO NOT TURN…

1174. Timed to perfection

Lambert was determined to adjust the time on his grandfather clock to perfection. When he started to fine-tune it, it was gaining three minutes every two weeks.

With a little adjustment, it was losing just over thirty seconds every week.

And then perfection came! The clock maintained perfect time when he measured it weekly for four weeks. That was when the earthquake (only a little one) tipped the clock over and smashed it to smithereens.