2303. Stage fright

Charlie was the lead pig in a musical production of Animal Farm. An accident happened towards the end of the third performance. Charlie had to sit at a table and drink tea. It was then that he spilt tea all over his lap and it left a big wet patch. He finished his performance looking as though he had wet his pants. The costume would be permanently stained if it wasn’t cleaned immediately.

He took it straight to the dry-cleaners first thing in the morning. “I need the costume for tonight’s performance,” Charlie told the woman at the dry-cleaning counter. “Could it be cleaned as a priority?”

Charlie was told that he could pick it up at 5.30 pm. The curtains opened at 7. Charlie arrived to pick up the costume early. It was 5.15 – and the place was all locked up. No one was about. Clearly they had finished the day early.

Dear Reader, you shall be spared the details. For the next hour Charlie raced around in a panic. He managed to locate the owner. The costume was collected. It was a quarter to 7. Only 15 minutes to get ready. He dressed in his pig costume at home and raced in the car to the theatre. It was now 5 to 7. Charlie was sweating like a pig.

The theatre was locked. It was Wednesday. There was no performance on Wednesdays.

2250. Flight emergency

When Benjamin awoke from his nap he heard the flight attendant announce: Does any passenger know how to fly a plane? The captain and vice-captain have both passed out. Please make sure your seat belts are fastened, you seat is upright, and your tray-table is folded away.

It was to be a long flight, and the plane clearly was on auto-pilot. It didn’t look like anyone had volunteered. Everyone went white and remained seated. You’d think some people would have screamed, but instead there was an eerie silence.

Benjamin had his pilot’s licence but it had lapsed years ago. He had flown only light aircraft. In fact he couldn’t recall even having been in the cockpit of a commercial passenger plane. All those lights and knobs! However, a little knowledge was possibly better than nothing. He stood and made his way to the front of the plane.

First things first, he said to the flight attendant. We have to radio some air control people and say we’re on autopilot and the pilot is possibly dead. They might be able to tell us what to do; what buttons to push, what switches to switch. Perhaps they might even be able to perform a landing by remote control.

Benjamin grabbed the microphone and announced: Does anyone know how to operate the radio so we can contact the ground and get instructions?

Arnold in Seat 22A was a radio ham. He had been a keen radio buff when he was at high school years ago. He stood and made his way to the front of the plane.

That was when 90 year old Mabel Partridge stood. “You can’t go to the bathroom now, ma’am,” said the flight attendant. “I’m sorry but you must remain seated.”

Mabel wasn’t taking no for an answer. She hobbled to the front of the plane and said “Step aside”. She had been a commercial airline pilot in her younger days. She took over. It was a flawless landing.

In the ocean.

2082. Hospital emergency

Goodness, exclaimed Leith gazing at the calendar on his dining room wall, it’s March 20 already. I thought it was only Thursday.

He had spent all week, days and a good part of the nights, at the hospital. This was his first breakfast at home since that Monday. He was dog tired, and now there was so much to arrange; so many people to contact and so many questions to answer. Being the weekend made it doubly worse because people were away and much harder to contact.

Had his wife, Antonia, been there things would have been easier. She could do half the work. But goodness me! How silly of him! She was gone! Gone forever…

Leith forced himself to eat a piece of toast. The butter in the fridge was rock solid. He went without and spread a bit of apricot jam on the slice. It was horrible and cold. He had better face the task at hand.

It was tedious being a plumber. How three water mains burst at the hospital all in one week was a mystery.

1908. Adriana, the pessimist

It was a long weekend. Monday was a public holiday so everyone took Friday off as well. Adriana knew with the certitude of long experience that with everything shut for the weekend things in her life would go wrong. The freezer would die, the shower nozzle would jam, the dog’s ears would get infected, the internet would go down, young Charlie would trip and break a finger. All these “emergencies” cost twice the amount (or more) to get attended to on a long weekend.

Yes, Adriana was what some people called a pessimist. Her friends urged her to take a more positive approach to life. “What if you looked on the bright side?” asked Hilda.

“You read too much and live in a world of fiction, Adriana,” said Ivan.

“Buck out of it, Adriana,” said Gwenda. “It’s negative, negative, negative.”

“I can’t help it,” said Adriana. “I just know during this long weekend that everything will go wrong. The freezer will die, the shower nozzle will jam, the dog’s ears will get infected, the internet will go down, young Charlie will trip and break a finger.”

But, miracle of miracles! None of this happened because first thing in the morning Adriana was in a car crash on the way to get milk from the corner shop.

Music 111: Here, there and everywhere

The number 111 is significant in New Zealand, it being the equivalent of the American 911 and the British 999 and the Australian 000. So I thought to celebrate this significant number, a little panic in the music; a little rush; a little dash of a dog here, there and everywhere…

Listen to the music HERE!