1641. A fishy story

Basil’s job was to design labels for fish food packaging. He had worked for Fins and Gills Fish Food Company for eleven years. Being a graphics designer, the Fins and Gills Fish Food Company was the last place that Basil would have thought he would end up. But the fish food company produced such a variety of aquarium products that a permanent packaging designer was called for.

As you can probably imagine, eleven years working for a fish food making establishment would drive anyone crazy; even thick, boring people. And drive Basil crazy it did. He was thick. He was boring. Now he was crazy. At first his idiocy was almost imperceptible; for example on the packaging for an aquarium thermometer he coloured in the picture of a Siamese Tigerfish so that it looked like it had pink stripes. Pink stripes! But things went from bad to worse. Oh no! Oh yes!

Everyone noticed. You couldn’t miss it. In every packaging picture the fish were naked. Completely starkers. Not even a fish wearing skimpy underwear. Responsible parents could no longer purchase Fins and Gills Fish Food for their children’s goldfish bowl. The fish food business went out of business. Basil was left without a job. Meanwhile, little boys sniggered at the fish food packets that they kept hidden under their iPads. Even the fish food display at the International Fish Food Museum had to cover up the Fins and Gills Fish Food packing boxes. As Ms Myrtle Browningham of the Fish Food Manufacturers’ Union said: Disgusting! Nude fish! What will they think of next? It’s sickening.

And that’s the naked truth.

1617. Shake, rattle, and roll

(This story is based on a joke originally told (I believe) by George Bernard Shaw (I believe.))

Of course earthquakes can be scary things. It wasn’t so much the possible devastation of an earthquake that got to Bruno as the fact that he’d just stepped out of the shower and ran like hell. He stood out on the road far enough from any possibly crumbling building. He had experienced many earthquakes and he’d hated every one of them.

Standing on the road he realized he was stark naked. He wasn’t even carrying a towel. Thank goodness the weather wasn’t cold, although it did mean that none of the neighbours had brought blankets or any item that Bruno could use.

Crowds built up. Everyone was saying “That was a biggie!” At last! A neighbour offered Bruno a cardigan.

“Here mate,” he said. “Cover yourself up.”

Bruno covered his face. Hopefully no one could recognize him now. No one did of course, until Fanny Dolan from just down the road asked in a fairly loud voice: “Why is Bruno standing there with no pants on and covering his face with a cardigan?”

1580. The naked gardener

Tresnor liked to garden in the nude. She’d always done it. Her parents gardened in the nude, and since she was a wee toddler Tresnor had followed suit. There was a certain freedom! A oneness with nature! It was healthy! It was what tribal ancestors did eons ago! No one got hurt! It was perfectly harmless!

Only once did Tresnor get scratched, and that was when she was pruning a rose bush and she stepped back into the prickly pear cactus. She scratched the back of her leg, and after that, when she was pruning roses, she always wore long socks.

To be honest, a naked person pruning roses next to a prickly pear and wearing long socks is a sight to behold, but Tresnor didn’t mind. There was no one watching through her high fence.

These days, she is older, but she still gardens in the nude. There are no roses to prune, so the long socks have been dispensed with. And on a coldish day she forgoes gardening altogether. There’s no need really to get chilly unnecessarily. But on a sunny day she’s out there weeding and cutting back even though it wouldn’t matter if the garden got a little overgrown. Besides, the retirement village has a permanent gardener to care for the community garden.

1508: Beach nudity

Look at that female strutting on the beach with no clothes on – down to the water’s edge and back – like she owns the world. This is not a nudist beach. I don’t know what the world is coming to.

There she is now sitting down in the sand with not a care and eating a sandwich. The people with her are eating sandwiches too like they don’t give a hoot. It’s as if they haven’t noticed. It’s disgusting. Parading around on the beach naked is one thing; not for those she’s with to notice or object is another thing altogether. Their ignorance and callousness is hard to believe. How can the modern generation condone such a thing?

There she goes now. Lunch is clearly finished. She’s tossing a beach ball. Everyone is laughing. Oh for goodness sake. This is preposterous. Naked and flouncing around with a beach ball. Shame! Shame! Outrageous!

Put some clothes on! Either cover up or go to some nudist beach where immoral behaviour is tolerated. No wonder modern-day toddlers like this little girl grow up with no morals.