© Bruce Goodman 14 July 2015
(This story comes with a strong language warning for those of more discerning taste).
Once every two weeks or so, Mr Selwyn Bergquist would have breakfast at The Morning Egg on Main Street. If he had breakfast alone he always ordered “Colonial Fare”: a mixture of sausages, black pudding, fried eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. It came with a bottomless cup of coffee.
In recent times, however, Mr Selwyn Bergquist had brought along a guest; sometimes two. He would “show off”.
“These eggs are runny. You know I always have them hard. Take them back.”
“This toast has touches of burn along one side. Take it back.”
“This black pudding does not come up to the usual standard. Take it back.”
On and on would go Mr Selwyn Bergquist. The cook was beside himself. The manager of The Morning Egg had approached Mr Bergquist in private. The manager told him they were very unhappy when he had guests. Please refrain from your loud negative criticisms or eat elsewhere.
Mr Selwyn Bergquist was outraged. The following week he brought along three guests, “from overseas!” They were rich! They were famous! The Morning Egg should be honoured to have them eat in its premises.
“And this egg is hard. You know I like it runny. Take it back.”
The manager appeared.
“You and your fucking toffee-nosed swanky friends can shove the fucking eggs up your fucking arseholes, you bitchtited snorting testicle-faced twot. Either eat the fucking stuff or piss off.”
Mr Selwyn Bergquist stormed out. The following morning, the three “from overseas” came back for breakfast.
“We rather enjoy the cayenne pepper that comes with the food,” they said.
It caught on. The Morning Egg is now The Rude Crude Food. The place is always packed. The manager’s had to learn new strings of invective. The cook loves it; he can cook any-which-way provided the clients complain.
Blow me, that is rather spiffing, old chap
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Wash your mouth out, my boy!
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Ah..well…that cayenne pepper will soon numb the taste buds and the patronage will dwindle to a mere smattering of adolescents, lonely vulgarians, and masochists….
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I had a not too dissimilar thought… I haven’t actually eaten out for more than 10 years so, if I did, this would not be my first choice.
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I wonder when Rude Crude Food will become a national chain!
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I thought it was already there but known as “The Sub-something”.
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I think I have been in that cafe …………….
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They are about, and if the hosts don’t provide the chagrin sometimes the patrons do…
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The Inn of Chagrin…
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Chagrin and bear it…
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beary funny, ha ha…..
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Argh, I’m about to become a Rude Crude Blog Follower! So, ‘they’ve’ changed things again, and we have to learn how to navigate the Reader all over again. I can hear the rust falling off the neuronal connections …
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Yes, Yvonne! It’s &%?#*@! infuriating! And now they’ve not only made it more difficult to access the original site, but they are telling you how long a “read” each post is…..How do they know how long it takes me to read one of Bruce’s stories? What if I want to re-read it for all the nuances and arcane literary references it contains….what If I want to muse over it? Is this a speed reading contest? Disgusting.
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I just checked. Bruce’s story, above, is a 1-minute read. In case anyone was wondering.
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I most certainly hope you didn’t read it aloud, Cynthia. Neighbours! Just think of the neighbours!
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I can’t read it aloud. It might take more than a minute.
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Perish the thought!!!
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But…sniff, sniff, whine: they keep fixing stuff that ain’t broken…sniff
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Nothing mends a little whine more than a little wine.
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You can say that again…On second thought, don’t. I’ll just raise my glass toward the south and say “Salut!”
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Salut!
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There’s been a lot of *$@+-ing going on my computer this morning, Cynthia. I guess by this time next week we’ll be used to it. Sigh.
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There’s a lot of *$@+-ing going on at my computer as well, Yvonne, because I can’t find the thing you and Cynthia are talking about! I feel left out!!!!
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Have you used the Reader this morning, to check on the blogs you follow. That’s our gripe du jour! Don’t feel left out, we all love you! 🙂
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Thanks Yvonne – I still can’t see what the change is! Except I can do it in under a minute.
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OK – I see the changes. I can’t follower it – I have to click 8 more times to read something. As Cynthia says, It’s &%?#*@! infuriating!
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One of the blogs I follow has just posted a sonnet by Elizabeth Bishop: a 30 second read.
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You are:
I am in need of music that would flow
Over [your] fretful, feeling finger-tips.
That quotation is approximately 4 seconds.
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Elizabeth would be impressed. As am I. Goodnight.
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I never knew that something I wrote could be nuanced and have arcane literary references in it. How exciting! I’m going to look for them myself! 😀
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Taken with the changes made to the authoring/edit screens, It’s probably because they are convinced that (a) the vast majority of users access the site on a mobile phone, (b) the majority of users are young, and (c) those that don’t fit into he first two categories don’t really matter.
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You reckon!? 🙂 They might be in for a surprise, if all we seniors pull out. 🙂
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I have two premium accounts due for renewal in the next month or so, costing 220€ ($240). I am currently considering my options, the main one being self-hosting on the web space I already rent.
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Those with the money make the rules….
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But those who spend the money choose where to spend it.
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I think you’re right, Keith. Your 10 minute postings take me half an hour to assimilate. What’s the definition of a WordPress person who posts? Someone who impatiently paces up and down in front of the microwave!…
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Pretty f—in funny! Loved the trigger warning, so incredibly PC to offset the (**%*(&)&^%$!
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Thank you! The percentage and asterisk signs are certainly getting a good going over today!
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Sounds like a more extreme version of Fawlty Towers!
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LOL! I always thought of it as an uncensored version of Faulty!!!!
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Would you like chastise with that?
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My employer blocked your post. No more reading BG during work hours! &*@#!
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What a thrill! Although I would prefer to be banned rather than blocked! I am Charlie!
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First of all, I lost it on this line “You and your fucking toffee-nosed swanky friends can shove the fucking eggs up your fucking arseholes, you bitchtited snorting testicle-faced twot. Either eat the fucking stuff or piss off.” But that´s just me, a sucker for foul language. Also, the subtle twist at the end coupled with a happy ending was awesome. I really liked this.
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Thanks Ryan. I rather enjoyed saying it out loud… I mean typing it!
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Uhhhh huh……so YOU are the complainer! 😛
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F*** yeah!
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I’ll have the ‘Meat Lover’s breakfast’ with a side of degrading profanity.
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Would you like your eggs well and truly done?
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Absolutely well done. I do not do runny eggs!
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Well you’d better eat at another breakfast place as we aim to displease!
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Pero que huevos!
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Your Icelandic is impeccable!
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þakka þér, góður herra!
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Þú ert velkominn!
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