Tag Archives: writer

1372. Famous cat

You are such a lucky cat! said Leopold to his cat, Heidi.

Heidi was sitting on Leopold’s lap while Leopold typed.

You, said Leopold, will become a famous cat! You will be known all over the world as the cat that sat on my lap while I typed out my poetic masterpieces. You will be mentioned in every biography of me, and perhaps, if you’re lucky, there’ll be a photo. In fact, I shall take a photograph now of you on my lap. There! Perhaps such a photo might even grace the cover of my volume of poetry.

With a great deal of breathless anticipation, Leopold sent his collection of poems to a publisher. Perhaps, suggested Leopold, the cover could include a picture of my cat? The poems were rejected. Who buys poetry books these days, asked the publisher?

And then the cat got stuck up a tree and had to be rescued by the fire brigade. They hoisted a great big ladder in front of a huge assembled crowd. The press was there. Heidi’s photo was splashed all over the front page. It didn’t even say who the cat belonged to.

Selfish feline.

1371. Undercover

Everyone knew that Tommy wasn’t really an undercover agent, although he pretended to be. He would come into a room sometimes and say something enigmatic, like “The robin is on the bough” or “The curling rod is no good for a doctors’ conference”. He clearly intended these to sound like some secret code that only an anonymous agent in the room would understand. It was a bit silly but kind of fun! Most went along with it.

People would go up to Tommy and tell him all sorts of things. If they knew he was a real spy they would’ve made their facts up to put him off the scent. But since he wasn’t a real spy, but only a pretend, they frequently related who had stolen what and who avoided their income tax and where the best place was to get illegal drugs and so on.

That was why Tommy was in fact the most successful undercover agent in the country.

1370. Science friction

Jim White thought he might as well write a science fiction book. He did it, no trouble. It was published. The critics panned it. They said they’d never read anything so stupidly unscientific. If you’re going to write science fiction it still has to be based on scientific reality, they said.

Jim White laughed behind the palm of his hand. He was an undercover alien. He knew earthlings wouldn’t catch up with his science for another two and a half thousand years.

1368. A true story

Some people thought it funny, but Ray didn’t think it funny at all. In fact, he thought that John had been downright rude and asked Margaret to make him apologise.

Teresa didn’t think he should have to apologise at all and Robert agreed. Not that it mattered as Nyla and Douglas were the two that would care about such things and they were visiting their friend Gregory to congratulate him on his engagement to Denise. Lynda was there as well, and she was having an affair with Richard, everyone knew it, because Charles had whispered it one at a time, starting with Patrick. Juris had said that we shouldn’t engage in gossip and told Jason and Peter by way of illustration. After that, the whole world knew.

Well, at least Thomas, Graeme, Myra, Brent, Lorraine, Frances, Adrienne, Esme, Thomas (a different Thomas from the one previously mentioned), Hein, Jacob, Ruth, Paul, Julie, Patricia, Hubert, Sydney, Walter, Alastair, Kevin, Trevor, Marian, Ngaire, and Ronald knew.

So as you can see, it’s probably not funny at all.

1366. Thank you, darling

Hank was big time in a big company. The company supplied electricity to at least half the city. Despite his importance and huge salary, his wife, Kitty, owned and operated a small take-away food business. It had been Kitty’s life-time dream to operate such a place. And now they were rich enough for dreams to come true!

Oh but sadness of sadnesses! Kitty’s business was not going well. Not enough customers were calling to sample her delectable dinners.

But then a miracle happened! Half the city was plunged into darkness just before dinner time. The area around Kitty’s business had electricity. But you’ve no idea how many people flooded into Kitty’s shop to purchase dinner.

Thank you, darling.

1365. Glenda’s foul mood

Glenda worked for a prestigious law firm, but today she was in a foul mood. She would nearly always begin work in the early hours, and often stayed late. And, of course, the pay was good. It’s no fun being a solo parent if you’re a solo parent.

Because of her flexibility she worked in all branches of the large law firm – moving, in a day, from one legal department to another. In fact, her expertise was so recognized throughout the establishment that she was known as “Madam Indispensable”.

So it was a bit of a shock when she arrived at work one morning to be told that her services were no longer required. They had hired a professional company and they would be doing the cleaning from now on.

1362. Flora’s foul mood

Flora was having a bad day. She lived in a house set on a sharp corner of a busy road. She hadn’t slept a wink. All night, well at least until 3 o’clock, teenage hoons were hooning* with speeding, burnouts, doughnuts, and screeching tyres around the corner next to her house. After that she was so angry she couldn’t sleep.

When she did rise she discovered she was out of toothpaste and cleaned her teeth using salt. She burnt the toast at breakfast, tripped over the cat, and couldn’t find her reading glasses for a good ten minutes.

There was only one thing for it; she would do what she always did when in a foul mood: she would get out her book of recipes from The Australian Women’s Weekly and cook something wonderful that she had never tried before. Flora settled on making an Apricot Sour Cream Pie. She had all the ingredients in the house already, and it looked delicious.

First she made the base with crumbled cookie crumbs and melted butter. While that was cooling in the fridge she prepared the filling – with apricots, sugar, flour, eggs, sour cream and so on. She sprinkled the uncooked masterpiece lightly with nutmeg, and placed it in a moderate oven.

Thirty minutes later she removed the pie and sat it on top of the bench. The smell was glorious! Flora’s foul mood had disappeared.

That was when a hoon’s car left the road, flew through the air, and plunged onto Flora’s front lawn. Taking the pie, Flora scurried out to investigate. It was the most satisfying pie she had ever baked.

* Hoons and hooning are common Australian/New Zealand terms meaning teenage louts with cars!

1361. Tinted windows

Bebe disliked immensely those large limousines with tinted windows. Anything could be going on inside the car. Why should they have the right to stare at her, and she not be able to return the offence?

Whenever she walked past a parked limousine with tinted windows, Bebe would go up close to the car window and stick her tongue out. That should teach them a lesson.

Only once did the window come down. That was when Bebe got a bullet in the head.

1360. An ecological suggestion

Dear Editor

So there you have it! The first presidency of a woman as president has been completed. And what a marvellous “reign” it was!

There’s quite a groundswell to place her physiognomy on Mt Rushmore along with the other greats. And deservedly so!

I have a few misgivings, however. The shape of the terrain on the side of the mountain invites the carving (as well as a face) of voluptuous breasts. The just-finished president was flat chested. I really think we should wait to have a more buxom female president before rushing to carve further on Mt Rushmore. In this way we can preserve more of the landscape without desecrating Nature even further. I don’t want to be thought of as riding on the ecological bandwagon, but a full-figured presidential bosom might be the answer to one of the major modern-day concerns we liberal-minded progressives have.

Yours sincerely
(Name withheld – Editor)

1359. Life’s aim

He was bright as a button; as sharp as a pin; as keen as a knife!

The teacher asked the class what was their greatest aim in life.

“Me! Me! Ask me first! I want to become so famous that people will use my name as a swear word. Like Jesus Christ.”

“That’s an unusual idea,” said the teacher. “What made you think of that, Shita Brick?”