2184. Complications

When Eunice’s daughter, Hazel, from a previous marriage caught her stepfather in the kitchen having whoopee with the lady from next door, she was dismayed. Should she tell her mother? Should she simply get on with life as if nothing had happened? It was life-changing knowledge. She liked her high school. She liked her friends. She liked living in this house. All that would change if she spilt the beans to her mother.

Hazel decided to keep silent. But as the weeks went by she became more and more sullen. Her mother didn’t know what was wrong.

“What is it, Hazel? Is it boyfriends or something?”

“It’s nothing,” said Hazel.

And then Eunice announced to Hazel that her relationship with Hazel’s stepfather was over. He had been having an affair with the lady next door and was leaving.

Hazel had never been so damn relieved in her entire life.

1856. The fart cushion

Hilton was a little bit surprised when he opened his birthday present from Jude. Jude had been a life-long friend but lived far away. They still remembered each other’s birthdays and would send gifts through the mail. This year Jude had sent Hilton one of those trick fart cushions that you put on a chair and it sounds like someone farts loudly when they sit on it.

A fart cushion – or a whoopee cushion, whatever they’re called these days – was funny the first time; like back in 1842AD when Hilton saw (or rather heard) his first one. These days they were about as funny as a tetraplegic in a three-legged race. Why Jude had sent him one for his birthday was anyone’s guess.

Hilton wrote to Jude thanking him for his gift. Ha ha ha! said Hilton. It was great fun thank you. He fooled his three year old grandson who thought it was a scream. And so, Jude, it brought much joy on my birthday!

Hilton never worked out why Jude had sent him such a stale trick that was both useless and unfunny, and Jude never said. Which possibly explains why none of us, dear Reader, have the slightest clue either.