Tag Archives: wedding

1904. Marriage Enrichment Program

Lucia and Basil were a most annoying couple – and they weren’t even married. They had lived at the same address for eleven years. What was annoying about that? What riled Christian and Deliah was they had gone along to the Marriage Enrichment sessions only to discover in the end that the facilitators weren’t even married. They were full of advice as to what to do and what not to do. And they argued. In fact they spent most of the sessions spitting tacks at one another.

“It came as a shock to us,” said Rupert. “Molly and me went along to the Marriage Guidance sessions to enrich our marriage and we got lectured at by two people who have never taken the plunge. Their conduct was appalling.”

“I can’t believe it,” said Hilary of Plazaville. “Herman and I attended knowing that our marriage was headed for the rocks, and all we got was superficial advice from a couple of people who didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. In fact it was like looking in the mirror to hear Lucia and Basil have a shouting match for a good half hour.”

“Ferdinand and I were engaged to be married and we thought pre-nuptial sessions would not simply enrich the day but enrich our future as well,” said Katie. “It was hardly enriching to be told that the institution of marriage was antiquated. And we’d paid good money for the course. It made us wonder if we should get married immediately and not wait until we had paid off the mortgage.”

“I was glad, although it might seem mean, when Basil dropped dead in the middle of spouting about marriage when he’d never even been married,” said Hilda. “I couldn’t help but think that reality catches up with everyone. Seeing Lucia go into hysteria almost made the cost of the course worthwhile. At least she wasn’t screaming at Basil anymore.”

“That’ll learn ‘em is what I say,” said Fred. “All twelve of us on the course agreed before Basil kicked it, that him and Lucia needed to be taught a lesson. That’s why we applauded when Rupert handed Basil a can of Mountain Dew and said ‘Cheers! Drink this!’ And that was curtains for him.”

“We all concur,” added Molly, “that the whole incident has certainly enriched our marriages. Rupert and I are talking again, and I believe other couples have had similar experiences.”

The organizers of the Marriage Enrichment Program have advertised for a new couple to run the next group of sessions. The couple must be diffident in their relationship. And unmarried.

1763. Here comes the bride

Vonda had spent her high school years (well, a good part of them) scribbling a combination of names in the back of her notebooks:

Vonda and Warren
Vonda and Doug
Vonda and Graeme
Vonda and Sylvester

She wondered which name combination would eventuate. Who would she marry? Vonda and…

Vonda and Kurt
Vonda and Damian
Vonda and Kent
Vonda and Iain

She would keep her family name of course. It was the word combination of first names that mattered:

Vonda and Lawrence are cordially invited to…
Vonda and Herbie made it into the finals of…
Vonda and Luke are proud to announce…
Vonda and Simon are just back from…

As it so happened, she fell in love with a gentleman called Trevor. At first Vonda thought that “Vonda and Trevor” had a nice ring to it. Both names shared the letter “V”. But in the weeks leading up to the wedding she decided that that was much too formal. She settled on “Vonnie and Trev”. So much more informal; so much more accessible; so much more likeable; loveable even.

You are cordially invited to the wedding of Vonnie and Trev.

Unfortunately what a banana skin was doing sitting on the floor just inside the church door was anyone’s guess. As Vonda entered the church she slipped on the banana skin, hit her head on the corner of a nearby pew, split open her skull, and all the name combinations in the world couldn’t revive her.

1716. Marion hits the jackpot

Within a week, Marion knew she had married the wrong man.

Both had been married before, and Marion blamed herself for not learning a lesson the first time round. It had been love at first sight. It had been an overwhelming passion. It had been an all-embracing two weeks of unbounded appetite. Then came the engagement ring. Then came the wedding. And now, just one week later, Marion knew that Howard was not the one.

Howard bred cockatiels. How could Marion stay married for life to a man who thought that a pair of cockatiels was a cockatoo? Besides, Rowan, Howard’s best friend, was singularly attractive (Marion thought).

Rowan was so funny! So amusing! So quaint! He thought a zucchini and a courgette were two different things! Such mirth can be instantly attractive!

1693. Huberta and Hubert

As if having the name of Huberta wasn’t bad enough… She’d gone and fallen in love with a man whose name was Hubert. “Huberta and Hubert” sounded doubly bad. “You are cordially invited to the wedding of Huberta and Hubert”. And so on.

Huberta practiced writing out the combination in all sorts of situations. Mind you, she simply scribbled it in the back of a notebook. “Huberta and Hubert announce the birth of their first child”; “Huberta and Hubert are booked on a Mediterranean cruise”; “Huberta and Hubert celebrate their golden wedding anniversary.”

Huberta suddenly snapped out of her reverie when the bell rang. That was the end of Mathematics class.

Oh if only Hubert would notice her and ask her out!

1552. Everyone pardons the rain

(The closing sentence for this story was suggested by Uma of One grain amongst the storm. If you want to join in the fun of suggesting a future closing sentence for these stories, click here for a peek as to what’s what.)

Everyone pardons the rain. If it rains on a picnic it’s cooling down the oppressive heat. If it rains on the street it’s washing away the stifling dust. If it rains on a normal day it’s watering the garden. If it rains at a funeral it is tears of sorrow. If it rains on a wedding procession ah! it is a sign of wonderful fertility.

Bernice had no such worries for her wedding. It was planned for the dry season when each day for weeks on end would dawn warm and dry. The bridal party and guests would process brightly from the church to the place where the reception was to be held. It would be on foot, except for a cousin in a wheel chair; she would be pushed! The whole world could take part in the procession if they wished.

And indeed! The day dawned bright and cheerful. The wedding service in the church was so beautiful that even grandpa had to borrow grandma’s lace handkerchief to dab his eyes. And then the groom announced: “We invite everyone to join our procession from here to the place of reception!”

They set out. Drums and fifes led the way. It was the happiest of all happy processions! That was when the bomb went off.

Somewhere up there, the clouds murmured and groaned as fat drops of rain fell on the lifeless forms on the street.

1516: A surprisingly happy conclusion to a stressful experience

Anne had lost her wedding ring, but she knew exactly where it would be. Every day she made a loaf of bread. It had happened before. It would be in the baked loaf. It would have slipped off while she was doing the kneading. She was constantly telling herself to take the wedding ring off before make the bread. When would she ever learn?

She had just enough time to take the bread out of the oven before scurrying off in the family van to take her son and some of his friends to their hockey match. She would worry about the wedding ring later. And then on the way home she would pop into the supermarket to get a few things. Another parent was to drop the boys home.

Of course, when eventually she did get home the inevitable had happened: her son and his friends had scoffed down the entire loaf with heaps of butter.

“You make excellent bread, Mrs McElwey!” said Angelo Whatnotski.

“Did anyone find a wedding ring in the bread?” asked Anne.

No one had. Oh well, how stressful!

Later that day, just as she was peeling the potatoes for dinner, Anne spied her wedding ring on the bench next to the flour bin. She had taken it off after all! O happy day! O happy, happy day!

What a pleasure it is to behold a surprisingly happy conclusion to a stressful experience!

1505: Wedding anniversary

When Callista’s husband forgot their anniversary for a third year in a row, enough was enough. Callista planned a murder.

She read every book and article on “How to” that she could find. She even read Agatha Christie and Arthur Conan Doyle. This was to be a murder that was fool proof. What is more, she would do it on their anniversary – the fourth he would have forgotten.

In the end Callista thought shooting with a gun was the safest bet. She thoroughly researched the angle of entry a suicide victim’s bullet would enter the head. It was a question of getting into the right position and pulling the trigger before the victim realized what was going on.

The anniversary day dawned. The gun was loaded. Callista waited.

Before long, Peggy-Sue wandered up the garden path. Peggie-Sue came once a week to clean the house. As she entered the door, Callista pulled the trigger.

“You!” shouted Callista. “Your conniving sensuality is the cause of my husband’s infidelity.”

The coroner ruled “Suicide”. And although Callista and her husband didn’t really live happily ever after, Callista was well-pleased.

1450. The wedding’s off

Sian was in the foulest of moods. She had been asked to be matron-of-honour at her best friend’s wedding. Of course she said “yes!” Sian and Delia had been friends since way back. It was not at all surprising that Delia had asked Sian to be matron-of-honour. This was Delia’s second marriage. Sian had been bridesmaid at the first.

Sian and Delia had spent hours and hours selecting the dress for Sian to wear. Sian said she would pay for it. It was part of her wedding gift. And shoes to match the dress! And now the wedding wasn’t going to happen.

Sian was spitting tacks. After all that money she had spent on the dress and shoes. They weren’t exactly items of clothing that could be thrown on before one popped down to the local store to buy a tin of sweetened condensed milk. And Sian had arranged to have her hair done. And her nails. And now the wedding was off.

Did I mention the deposit on the horse and carriage? The bride was to arrive and leave the cathedral in a horse and carriage and Sian had made the booking. Do you think they would give the deposit back?

It was all money down the drain. And what will she do with the expensive wedding cake that was already made, iced, collected, and paid for? Sian was simply trying to do the best for her friend by organizing all these wedding things, and paying for most of them at the time even though she would get paid back later. And now the wedding was off.

What was she meant to do with the expensive cufflinks she had bought for the groom and best man to wear. Money, money, money squandered on a ridiculous non-event.

Why Delia’s fiancé had to drop dead two days before the wedding was anyone’s guess.

1413. Fifth marriage

Joffre’s fifth marriage was no straight forward affair. The thirteen children from his previous four marriages were still living with their respective mothers. He wanted his children there, but who would bring them and look after them at the wedding? The last thing he wanted was his four ex-wives blotting the landscape and making facetious comments about his blushing bride twenty-three years his junior.

Joffre conceived a plan. He would invite all four ex-wives. Three of them so detested him that they would not attend. The fourth, Mabel, would come – she had always been non-confrontational – and she could look after the thirteen children.

And there she was! In the front seat with the thirteen children! She looked wonderful in her peacock-hued dress with cap sleeve bodice and floral organza skirt. And she wore tinted contact lenses to match. So capable! So calm! So ravishingly perfect in every way! Such taste in fashion! And Joffre knew she would have made the outfit herself. He should never have left her. A reunification was surely a possibility.

Let’s hope the rumours were true, and that his bride was having an affair with one of the bridesmaids.

1363. Mary’s foul mood

It should have been the happiest day of her life – well, perhaps it should have been one of the four happiest days of her life because this was her fourth marriage – but Mary was in a foul mood. Nothing was going right for this wedding. Nothing had gone right during the preparations. And now (she had discovered this only during the wedding rehearsal the night before) she was infatuated by the best man.

He was so handsome, so masculine, so… so unlike the little weedy creature she was meant to get married to in a few hours. Dirk was Rupert’s best man. They had been life time friends. Mary had no idea why. They were so different. They had nothing in common. Rupert spent his free time reading and playing mah-jong on his computer. Dirk was into tennis and fishing and mountain climbing. And he had spent time in the army – not to mention the time he spent in the gym.

Oh! What to do? What to do? Should she call the wedding off? There was a toaster and a few other bits and pieces among the wedding gifts she liked. It would be churlish to call the wedding off.

Suddenly, Mary’s foul mood disappeared. She had a thought! She would go through with the wedding. Of course, the marriage would quickly crumble, but it would be a good way of getting to Dirk.