Tag Archives: violence

2186. Traditional fairy stories

Once upon a time there were two children – a brother and sister – and their wonderful father, who was a king and wore his crown even to the toilet, remarried – to a woman who was really a witch and cut off the children’s legs with a saw so they couldn’t wander into the forest.

She told their father that a bear had chased them and she saved them just as the bear had bitten off their legs. The king was so pleased with his wife saving his two children that he took his crown off and plopped it on his wife’s head.

“From now on,” said the king, “we shall co-rule the kingdom together.”

To celebrate her promotion the wicked stepmother cut off the head of the boy. She then wiped blood all over the ermine she was wearing to make it look like she had been in a tussle with a tiger in an effort to save the boy.

Next she hung the girl upside down from the stubs of her legs and drilled a hole in her head so that blood dripped out until she died. Then she went to the king and told him that she had tried to resuscitate the girl but she was too late to stop the Prime Minister from his murderous intent.

“If I had more of my kingdom to give,” said the grateful king, “I would bestow it upon thee.”

“You mean to say you are keeping half the kingdom for yourself, you selfish monarch?” declared the wicked stepmother. She pulled out a pistol and shot the king in the head dead.

“I am the sole ruler of this kingdom now,” declared the widowed woman.

When the Prime Minister heard what she had done he had her tied up and burned on a huge fire that had been lit to celebrate the Kingdom’s National Day. Just before she burned to death she threw a fabric she had woven over the Prime Minister. It had magic qualities and he turned into a bat and infected everyone with a fatal virus. Then the wicked woman’s ashes were scattered down the hole in the castle’s outhouse and everyone lived happily ever after.

1696. Bumping into people

Gary was the biggest bully this side of the Berlin Wall. Or he would have been if the Berlin Wall was still standing.

If some kid was walking along at school and eating something, like a bun or a piece of cake, Gary would accidentally bump into them so that the thing the kid was holding in his hand dropped onto the ground.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the victim would say.

“I’m sorry too,” Gary would say. “Real sorry.” And he would accidentally step on the dropped food and squashed it into the ground.

All the kids were scared of him.

One day, it was not at school but on the street, Gary bumped into a kid from school who was eating an ice cream. The ice cream fell to the ground. The kid from school had had enough. He bashed Gary up good and proper.

“We should learn not to be violent,” the principal said on Monday morning. The kid got “ten hours of community service”. Gary continues to bump into people. He’s such a friendly chap.