2462. Pollyanna comes to stay

Ok – a story to give a break from a week of music! I trust everyone had a lovely June Solstice – and to those in the Northern Hemisphere, no doubt your days have started drawing in as you plummet your way towards winter. Whereas we in the South…

What a pain in the bottom Pollyanna has become. My wife says it is age. Squawk! Squawk! Squawk all day! Nothing satisfies her. And as for food? No, I won’t eat this. No, I won’t eat that. Honestly, she’s driving my wife and me up the wall.

She’s due to return home in just over a week. We can’t wait. We’ll drive her there the minute that day dawns. Our home is rather small. In fact, it’s only a one-bedroom place, so Pollyanna has to sleep in the living room. Of course the living room is where we have the television, and Pollyanna retires early.

It pays to be nice to elderly relatives; especially great aunts with more than a couple of dollars in their bank account! Aunt Constantia for example. Just kidding! We’d have Pollyanna stay anyway, but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy every minute of it. And she comes to stay only for about a week a year when Aunt Constantia goes on vacation and has no one to look after Pollyanna her parrot.

1993. Body in the woodshed

When Dawn saw the dead body in her woodshed she didn’t know what to do next. Clearly the body had died several hours earlier. Rigor mortis had already begun to set in. Dawn had once worked as a nurse so she knew these things. Trying to revive the body was a waste of time. It was as dead as the wood in her woodshed.

Dawn was a practical woman to the hilt. She remained absolutely calm. She surveyed the situation as if she was in a fabric shop selecting a pattern for a proposed table runner. What to do with the body? She shut the woodshed door and went back into the house.

It wasn’t winter. It wasn’t cold. There would be no need for her to get firewood for a couple of months. She had bought an air ticket for her husband to go to Hawaii on a vacation for several months. They did that in their marriage once every decade or so. It cleared the air and they could start afresh. He had left yesterday, so the story would go. Dawn would simply leave the body in the woodshed until winter.

That way the coroner would have difficulty determining the cause of death of her husband. “But I thought he was having a great time in Hawaii.”

1653. Why did I answer the phone that morning?

(Thanks to Yvonne for the opening sentence).

Why did I answer the phone that morning? I had been vacuuming the house. When the phone rang I had to turn the vacuum cleaner off, and step over the vacuum cleaner’s cords and tubes to reach the phone.

Was I interested in doing a survey? It would only take a few minutes and I would go into the draw to win a trip for two to Hawaii.

Since I’d gone to all that trouble of turning off the vacuum cleaner and stepping over it, I thought I might as well. So several questions later (the questions were all about what brand of soft drink is imbibed in the household, so I told them a lie; coca cola I said because it was the only brand I could think of) I was in the draw to win a trip for two to Hawaii.

And win it I did! Wow! I had never won a thing before and now hubby and I were off to Hawaii!

That’s when the trouble started. Our son drove us to the airport, and on the way home (unbeknown to us) he crashed into a wall, wrote off his car, and broke both legs. Not long after take-off we were diverted. For two days we were stuck in a foreign airport. The airline people were most unhelpful. We had to pay for accommodation and meals instead of being in Hawaii all expenses paid. When eventually we did arrive in Hawaii the hotel was booked out. Since we hadn’t arrived on the appropriate day the hotel had presumed we were not going to turn up and booked other visitors into what was meant to be our room. The hotel wouldn’t give a refund because it was part of a promotion and no money had changed hands. So we had to pay for a further three days accommodation and food elsewhere.

We’re back home now from our all-expenses paid vacation. I’ve never been so happy to be doing housework. At present I’m vacuuming and…

Excuse me. That’ll be the phone.

809. Home sweet home

“Did you know,” said Norbert, “did you know that the full name for Bangkok is Krung Thep Mahanakhon amon Rattanakosin mahintara ayuthaya mahadilok phoP noppharat Ratchathani Burirom udomratchaniwet mahasathan amon piman awatan Sathit sakkathattiya witsanukam Prast?”

Norbert and Denise had just flown out of Bangkok on the final leg of their journey home. They had spent two months touring Europe on the trip of a lifetime. And now, travel-weary, they were looking forward to getting home.

“What I’m looking forward to,” said Denise, “is my own bed, and our own shower.”

They had loved their trip abroad, but home was home sweet home. One of the great things about being away is often the arrival back home.

“And our own food in our own kitchen,” said Norbert.

It was back to work on Monday. The life’s savings and credit card had taken a fair beating. It would be good to get the money flowing in again.

“And I’m looking forward,” said Denise, “to sitting down and going through our photos of memories, and the souvenirs.”

They hadn’t purchased many souvenirs. In fact, only two things: a large Waterford crystal vase from Ireland, and an unbelievably beautiful clock from Austria. It was better to have spent money on several things than on lots of junk they didn’t really want.

“The vase will look great on the table in the foyer,” said Denise.

“And the clock in the sitting room,” added Norbert.

They arrived!

“Home sweet home!” said Denise. But it wasn’t. One day earlier, during their flight from Bangkok, their house has burned down.

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