2578. Piffle

“Why do they say we live on the Blue Planet when it’s grey and overcast most of the time, and the sea is grey and dull, and it’s so misty I can hardly drive the car on the grey highway amidst the grey landscape?”

Clearly the children’s teacher was in a bad mood. These days Ms Atholby was frequently in a bad mood. Her boyfriend had proposed marriage and she had said “No!” Why people still went for these old-fashioned, dated practices she had no idea. They had lived together for three years so why get married?

“And so children you’ve only got to look out the window to know that the climate has already changed. When I was younger it was sunny most days. Now it’s all drizzle and piffle.”

Most in the class didn’t know what “piffle” meant. Sophia thought it sounded like a swear word. Nicholas agreed. He had heard his mother use the word “piffle” quite often, especially when she was talking about his father’s sister, Aunty Autumn. “Piffle” and “Twaddle” – they were both swear words.

“You see class,” continued Ms Atholby, “a lot of people think that climate change is a load of twaddle, but that’s hogwash.”

This was proof enough for the young students. “Piffle”, “Twaddle” and now “Hogwash” were all swear words and to be whispered in the playground.

“You hear so much hogwash from climate change deniers these days.”

Naughty Dominic called out “TWADDLE!” and the whole class laughed.

Ms Atholby put the class on detention. How she wished she’d said yes to the marriage proposal.

2065. The saga of Twaddle the Duck

It happened just the other day. Sefton had finished writing his daily blog and had used the word “Twaddle”.

“What a brilliant name for a domestic duck,” thought Sefton. “If only I had a duck.” 

He knew a couple of people who had domestic ducks. Garth called his duck Jemima.

“How very unimaginative,” thought Sefton. “The next time I see Garth I’ll suggest he call his duck Twaddle.”

Chayce also had a domestic duck, and he called it Rembrandt. “What a stupid name for a duck,” thought Sefton. “The next time I see Chayce I’ll suggest the name Twaddle.”

Both Garth and Chayce thought the name of Twaddle was horrible. “I think the name of Twaddle is horrible for a domestic duck,” said Garth. Chayce said the same thing: “I think the name of Twaddle is horrible for a domestic duck.”

Sefton invited Garth and Chayce to dinner. Ï know, Gentle Reader, what you are thinking; you are thinking they had domestic duck for dinner. Can’t you read? I said at the outset that Sefton didn’t have a duck.

2062. Twaddle

Now and again it’s fun to have a guest blogger, so I have invited Scholastica to post something on my blog today. Scholastica is a pseudonym for Vonnie Blotchard. Scholastica is a name which has overtones of scholar and elastic. In other words, Vonnie is a flexible student of life. She is open to new ideas and ways of doing things and expanding and contracting thoughts.

Only the other day she posted on her own blog – which has subsequently been removed – a method of killing quivering moths that might come fluttering into your living quarters at night when you’ve left the light on. It is a merciless method intended to teach the moth a jolly good lesson and involves a pair of tweezers and a broomstick. Brilliant!

Also on her blog Scholastica sometimes lets her twin brother Benedict, who goes under the name of Imintofootball, post a blog on her blog which I must admit is very kind considering the nonsense he comes up with.

Scholastica on the other hand is thoughtful yet wildly inventive. That is why I invited her to do a posting on my blog. She has spent a lot of time thinking about it. She is a master – or rather a mistress (perhaps even neither one nor the other) – of Obscurantism. If you don’t know what Obscurantism is then you will know once you’ve read Scholastica’s wonderful contribution. Take it away, Scholastica!

Blabbercation on the windy trail of life.

Well done, Scholasica! See! I told you! If anyone has any comments about her contribution please leave them on this blog and not email or text Scholastica personally.

I said at the start that it was fun now and again to have a guest blogger. But it’s more than fun. Possibly for some of you more dreary readers it can be a life-changing experience. To have said “Blabbercation” rather than “Blobbercation” or even “Bloggeration” or “Buggeration” is a feat in itself and shows the altitude to which Scholastica these days flies about in. Elastic scholar indeed!

You will no doubt be disappointed that these guest bloggers on my blog are very rare. It’s getting harder and harder to find a good blogger these days. Too often bloggers post nothing but twaddle.