Tag Archives: teeth

1799. A full set of teeth

Bruno had lost most of his teeth. It wasn’t because he’d lost them in a fight or anything. Nor had he lost them through lack of care. He had two top teeth right in the front and very little else in his gums. When he smiled he looked like a rabbit; or at least a caricature of a rabbit.

He had brushed his teeth throughout life, and he had been to the dentist when it was deemed absolutely necessary. But his teeth had decided to go on the move and migrated into a bunch. The specialist pulled most of them out to make room and said “You need dentures”.

Getting dentures was easier said than done. They cost money, which Bruno didn’t have. And then he met Bianca. She was as rich as hell. She laughed at Bruno and called him “My little bunny rabbit.” He didn’t mind because they were in love and she paid for his dentures.

That was years ago. They divorced after a few months. Bianca claimed in court that Bruno married her only to get expensive dentures. The judge would have none of it. These days Bruno lives off the interest in the divorce settlement. He met Patsy-Lee on a recent Mediterranean island cruise. She fell in love with his smile.

Poem 65: Chagrin and bare it

(A nonsense poem!)

God blessed me with bad teeth,
a whole mouthful.
That the few left are good for chewing
is somewhat douthful.

Shut up and look at the camera!
Watch the birdie! Smile! Say cheese!

I shall chagrin and bare it.

I s’pose I could suck soup
up through a straw.
That way there will be no need
to gnaw at awl.

Shut up and look at the camera!
Watch the birdie! Smile! Say cheese!

I shall chagrin and bare it.

The thing about gaps in the gums –
One can’t eat steak,
but then again there ain’t
no toofs to ache.

Shut up and look at the birdie!
Watch the camera! Smile! Say cheese!

I shall chagrin and bare it.

1239. Two front teeth

Yvane had led a pretty hard life. He got his two top front teeth knocked out in a pub brawl. You know how expensive it is to get that fixed? Yvane simply didn’t have the money.

Yvane came up with a plan; the next burglary he did he made sure he got caught. The judge sent him to prison for a short time. While there, the government paid for him to have his teeth fixed.

1058. Desmond plays the piano

Desmond had recently had all his teeth pulled out. He awaited the arrival of brand new dentures after the customary settling of gums. He wasn’t one to hide his tarnishings under the carpet. If Desmond had a scar on his arm he would wear it uncovered and with pride. And so too his toothless gums. Why hide? If people didn’t like it, they could look elsewhere.

To show the world his daring abandonment to gumlessness, he decided to play the piano in the local mall at lunchtime. He played for an hour; Mozart, Haydn, Beethoven, Schubert. People gathered. Quite a crowd in fact. Young people too. Who said classical music wasn’t appreciated? See! He was popular himself – toothless and all! He was liked! What a success! Who cares about looking awful with a mouthful of nothing?

“What composer wrote that last piece?” asked a young person.

Desmond puffed out his chest.

“Well,” he said. And then he dribbled. It was the biggest slushiest dribble he’d ever done in his life. It was disgusting. The crowd drifted off.

924. The smile

924smile

David judged people by their teeth. He was a dentist after all. There could be coffee stains, or cavities from too much sugar, or plaque from lack of care. There was so much that could be told about a person just by looking at their teeth.

David was young, keen, vibrant, eager after his recent graduation as a dentist to climb up the othodontical ladder. Tooth decay, root canals, gum disease, crowns, were all part of…

And then he saw her! Just across the room! Long straight shining black hair. A face carved from the whitest marble! The most beautiful of eyes! He’d never seen a creature so wondrous. Their eyes met…

…and then she smiled.

698. Benji’s teeth

693dentures

Benj died. For years his false teeth had given him trouble.

People forgave him for his rude manner, his negativity, his brazen critique of everything good; his dentures were to blame; his dentures made his life hell; his dentures were his cross.

When he died, God met him personally at the gate. Did he have any special request? asked God.

“For God’s sake,” said Benji, “fix my bloody teeth.”

So Benji got his teeth back – in a flash, in a jiffy, a trice, a second!

“About time, you selfish git,” said Benji to God.

These days Benji spends his time in Hell, where he weeps and has a full mouth of teeth to gnash.

143. The teeth of the storm

143teeth

Mabel was crossing the strait in an inter-island ferry. She had been to visit her daughter who lived on a neighbouring island. It was a three hour crossing in the ferry. The strait was known to be one of the roughest in the world.

Today the wind was wild. The sea was wild. The water churned green. Mabel felt sea sick. She climbed up to the highest deck on the ferry to get air. She was next to the funnel. It was raining. Mabel’s clothes were wet. Mabel didn’t care. When sea sickness sets in, one does not abandon ship, but one abandons all care.

A small boy came cavorting up to the top deck.

“Isn’t it fun!” shouted the boy.

“No it’s not,” said Mabel. “Go away before I puke all over you.” With that, Mabel ran to the side of the deck and heaved her guts out. She wanted to die. If the boat sank she would thank God for small mercies.

Two hours later the ferry arrived at the terminal; quite the worst and longest two hours of Mabel’s life. Her husband was there to meet her.

“Where’s your false teeth?” he asked. But Mabel didn’t give a hoot that her teeth were somewhere at the bottom of the ocean. She was happy to be on land.